Herpes and Cold Sores and Doctor's Offices, Again

The matriarch has an awful cold sore on the upper portion of her lip. She's had it for a few days and, rather than look at it closely, I thought she was trying to put lipstick on and missing. This morning, I realized it was actually a cold sore and asked her if it hurt. There is no pain but it is quite a size. So, I went to the drug sore to get some cream for it and the pharmacist told me I should take the matriarch to the doctor to make sure it wasn't impetigo. I am so scared because the herpes virus took the sight in her right eye and it is the season for chicken pox and I haven't a clue how she picked up this bug. The matriarch is not the type of woman to put things to her mouth or her face. It feels strange to be so worried about this woman who gives my life constant drama; actually, she gives me constant complaint and I obsess on the criticism with a constant dramatic flair. Of all things one worries about, I didn't imagine herpes could be so serious for seniors who have never had chicken pox.

My Husband, his Mother and the Sugar

Yesterday, for whatever reasons, my mother-in-law chose to skip lunch and stay in her room all day. It drove me crazy. I knew something was wrong. We had a snowstorm so none of us went out, the matriarch was annoyed about that; I couldn't do the shopping, so the matriarch is out of chips and I couldn't do anything about that; but, I hadn't a clue why she was so insistent on staying in her room. My husband said not to worry about it. Now, the previous day, I had made the matriarch cream of wheat for breakfast and had poured on a quarter cup of sugar--to say, she ate the whole bowl in record time would be an understatement. Yesterday, I made the same breakfast, but my child offered the sugar and only put on a couple of teaspoons. The children couldn't believe their grandma would get angry over the shortage of sugar. But, the matriarch did--she got up from the table and went to her room and stayed there. The mother-in-law has been here for almost 2 years and sometimes I cannot believe the things that annoy her.

The sugar factor is the only thing I can figure irritated the matriarch; nothing else was done with her or to annoy her. Not that I can figure out, anyhow. So last night, my children made cupcakes and grandma had a couple after supper; then, she watched the news and her television shows and waited for my husband to do her eye drops and bring up her fruit. He brought her two more cupcakes and no fruit. She was angry again. When I said good night, I saw her fruit and sugar deprivation and brought some up to her. I have told my husband his mother likes a bowl of frozen fruit covered with sugar going to bed every night; she likes the syrup and fruit to mix and eats it throughout the night. She never asks for it; she expects it. Sometimes I wonder if people listen to me when I say the woman will eat anything and twice as much if there is sugar on top of it. But I am left wondering about the matriarch. She doesn't ask for sugar or for more sugar; she just becomes angry or annoyed if her sugar requirement doesn't appear. That's not age. But, what do you do?

A New Day, A New Attitude

A woman I talked to today was inspirational; she has had her mother living with her family for four years. It is very hard but they are all still talking to one another and surviving. Mind, the lady's mother is almost 20 years younger than the matriarch but it was reassuring to know other people also try to do the best for their parents regardless of the difficulty. Sometimes, I think we, the middle aged set (I was going to write "young") forget we are headed in the same direction as our parents and we will, one day, replace them on this journey and will have our children take care of us. I want my kids to put me on an island and periodically send in food.

I don't want to be a burden; I don't think the matriarch wants to be a burden. I don't know how one prevents the selfishness that develops and leads to being a burden. At least, I think that is what causes my mother-in-law to want to do nothing and to have every desire appeased. I hate to think she is consciously choosing to live this way. No, correct that; the matriarch cannot live any other way; this habit of being selfish developed long before I came along. There are people I have met in worse shape than the matriarch who are just happy. They just seem pleased to be alive. And, my poor mother-in-law still feels as though she is missing out on something; okay, I think she feels that way. My husband would argue, cynically, she would be happy if she could have a brownie everyday followed by a chaser of pie.

The Dinner Table and All Out War--well, not really, but close, really close....

So the matriarch came flat out and told me my dinner was awful; obviously, the visit with her sister-in-law did not go well. My youngest child stepped up to the plate and said my food was delicious. I think the children are beginning to take sides much to my husband's chagrin...and mine. I know it is immature to feel so angry about my mother-in-law.

Anyhow, the visit with the sister-in-law and her husband went like this: they came and the matriarch remained upstairs in her room; they waited downstairs and did not go up. I sent my middle child up to get the mother-in-law; 10 (!!!!) minutes later, the matriarch came down to greet her guests. Then, they came into my family room to have tea; I did not invite them, I figured the matriarch wanted them upstairs. They loved talking to the children and we served cake with blueberries my youngest had made and tea. The matriarch rocked in a lazy-boy and said nothing. I chatted, too, but I knew the matriarch was not happy. I think her sister-in-law knew, too, and did not care. The matriarch refused cake and tea and an hour and half later said she had to go upstairs to go the washroom and would her sister-in-law and her husband like to come up, too? The matriarch refused dessert so the children knew she wasn't happy; the in-laws stayed upstairs for all of 20 minutes and then they left. The matriarch is under the impression they will be back soon and will take her out for lunch.

The in-laws are taking a weekend trip to somewhere in Michigan and the matriarch is not invited. Her sister-in-law also did not invite the matriarch to come and stay with her. I know the breast cancer scared the woman so I imagine she is putting time in with her husband; one never knows. I do know the time is not going to the matriarch and she is angry. At almost 99, she is jealous of an 80 year old senior who travels and does lunch. Sometimes, it is so hard to explain to people that all the matriarch really wants to do is have a meal out; she would eat out every single day; that doesn't sound like a trial but, trust me, it is. It REALLY, REALLY is.

Held Hostage by my Mother-in-Law

Every second Sunday, the children and I go into the city for a club to which they belong; this has been going on for years. The matriarch came downstairs today and told me her sister-in-law was coming for tea on Sunday. Thus, I have to stay home. My husband is working and is unavailable. I don't mind missing the trip down to the city and the kids don't mind missing their club; however, I resent the fact the matriarch took it for granted I would stay home, serve tea and make a cake. Yes, this visit is not a simple visit. The matriarch is so pleased her sister-in-law is coming for tea and already anticipates the possible dates when she can go to stay with her in-laws. It is terrible to feel so conflicted about a nice thing but it is worse to be taken for granted. I am not the matriarch's servant but as her blindness gets worse and she relies on me more and more I begin to feel taken for granted. And, yet, I know she is not incapable; the woman will get what she wants and needs when I am not around. But, similar to my children when they were babies, I almost know what she wants all the time and she has tended to stop asking me to do or get things; it is as though she knows that I know already what she wants. Uncomfortable as my husband is with this reality, he has noticed it, too. However, he defends her actions with the idea she won't be around forever. The matriarch has been here almost 2 years, the woman is approaching 99; it strikes me this anxiety is not going to go away. To make matters worse, I feel guilty for having the anxiety precisely because the matriarch is almost 99 and going blind and deaf.

The Indignity of Being Old

The matriarch gets asked out a lot for lunch; people phone me to see if I need a break and volunteer to take her out. It is very generous towards me and terribly rude towards the matriarch. But for her sister-in-law, not once has someone phoned the matriarch and invited her to lunch. When I relay invitations, the matriarch always says no. She does not need to be babysat; she resents the fact people assume I am her guardian; she is an individual deserving of some respect. I think people who have never dealt with old people as individuals fail to see that their identity remains intact despite what happens to their body. It is awful watching an old lady age before my eyes, each day I see her body shrink a little bit more but I know every comment and opinion my mother-in-law offers to me is a reminder there is still a person in that very old, withered body. Sometimes I wish that when people are kind to me, they would be kinder to her.

Easily Pleased

Every Saturday, my husband takes his mother out for fish and chips. She begins the day with anticipation, has a shower and does her hair. Around 1, the matriarch comes downstairs and puts on her boots, coat and makes sure she has money in her purse. Then, she sits on the bench to wait for my husband. No matter how fast the man tries to be, she is always ready to go first.

They do lunch.

Then, they come home and the first thing the matriarch says to me is "I won't be needing supper, I just had a lovely lunch. Maybe some peanut butter and jam on toast."
Then, she falls asleep in her chair for most of the afternoon. The event is the highlight of her week.

Age is What

Honestly, it is my impression my mother-in-law does not think she is old. I know she knows she is 98 approaching 99 but I don't think she "knows" how old she is. The other day, the matriarch told me I shouldn't be asking my husband to do so much because he is almost 60. My mother-in-law told me her son was getting old. My husband, according to the matriarch, her son, is old. I think she expects to outlive us all. What is she if my husband is old? In this world, where youth is worshiped, I cannot but wonder what she is thinking.

In Cuba, there is documented proof of an 125 year old woman still alive. She can still walk and lives with her family. My husband echoed the television when the lady was interviewed; "Think you're going to live that long?"

It has given the matriarch food for thought. I have friends who, like the matriarch, started their families late and I have friends the same age as me who have grand-children. I look in the mirror and think I am not old but there are times when I feel aged. Maybe responsibility ages one? And, being free of burdens lightens the load life can bring? I don't know. I certainly don't think of my husband as old and, yet, I know he should retire; I know I don't think of myself as particularly young but I really should go out to work. And, I do think of the matriarch as old.

Battle of the Spitoons

My mother-in-law spits out her food; it is gross and she does it more often when she is mad at me. But there is a kind of grace to it, too. She knows what she is doing and targets her hand or brings a spoon to her mouth to expel whatever food she doesn't want. She has no teeth so, usually, the food is not really chewed up and expelled. It is not like a mass of mushy projectiles shooting across the kitchen table. Most of the times, the food is left to the side of her plate or on a side dish; rarely, is it left on the table. Now my husband was discussing this with a colleague. As an aside, I would love to know how this came up in general conversation. However, the fellow worker told my husband, she hates going to eat with her mother in a home because of the rain shower of expelled food. I cannot imagine letting a family member face this everyday. We don't talk about the fact my mother-in-law spits out food; it is like the elephant in the room everyone walks around rather than admit is there. But we all know the matriarch does it and, when we go out, the matriarch has been known to use a napkin and, once, embarrassingly, to have dropped something on the floor.

My husband has, once or twice, given his mother a paper napkin to use. But no one has ever come right out and said to her, "Please use a napkin." It is not like putting a bib around a baby; my mother-in-law is fully aware of what she is doing. Which makes me wonder about the home... Assuming most of the residents do not have Alzheimer's, what is with the spitting out of food? I associate it with anger, displeasure and, generally, my mother-in-law's contempt; despite what she says about my cooking, most of the food I make her is softer for her to chew; she eats a lot of soups and stews. Do not ask me how she gets chips down her but she does not spit out food in her room--whatever kind of food it is. I deal with her garbage so I know. I wonder about seniors generally. Although I have heard this whole sugar thing is not as uncommon as I thought.

Life and Death

My mother-in-law is planning a visit to her sister-in-law's. I am resigned to be quiet and let her wait it out. The sister-in-law never actually gave a date for the visit and my mother-in-law knows this. This anticipation is purely within the matriarch's control. Not a thing I can do to prevent her disappointment...That sounds so negative but the matriarch's fury will not have me as a target. My husband tried to explain to his mother that his aunt would call with a date for a visit; the matriarch accepted this and continued with her plans. This isn't dementia or confusion; this is what happens when a person becomes terribly bored with their environment. I cannot entertain my mother-in-law everyday, all day. I don't know if she forgets or chooses to ignore the fact she lives in a house with 5 other people all of whom need some form of attention. I also wonder if she cares that she does have company around and music and life that continues to happen while she retreats into her room. I don't understand her kind of life. After 2 years here and 9 years as her caregiver in her old house, one would think I would be used to the way she lives. I am not; I see it as a kind of slow death.

Swimming

What a caption.
The matriarch's sister-in-law has gone back to swimming after the recuperation period for her breast cancer. She phoned to tell the matriarch. And, the woman invited my mother-in-law over. Now, I don't know who is more cruel: her or me. The matriarch is absolutely delighted to be going for a visit; although, her sister-in-law did tell her it would have to be when the snow is not a worry. It's February. I construed that to mean the matriarch would go for a visit in the spring. The matriarch interpreted it to mean her sister-in-law is back swimming, everything is normal, the visit could be anytime--like this Friday. Is the sister-in-law being cruel offering the hope of a visit or am I being cruel to mention its delay?

Either way, the matriarch is mad at me. Her sister-in-law is going swimming and is obviously out and about and the matriarch would like to be doing things, too. I don't know what she wants to be doing but I don't want to go out for lunch everyday. My husband is sick of fish and chips; the children are tired of lunch out all the time; we are sick of eating out. The matriarch doesn't seem to want to do anything else and when she goes out with me, she has to go where I want to go: she doesn't want to go shopping or to the mall or the recreation centre or to seniors' clubs. I don't know what the woman wants. And, to make matters worse, the doctor has not phoned back to discuss the matriarch's situation with blood thinners. He was supposed to talk to the eye specialist about, perhaps, renewing the medication; I thought the decision was going to be made in June and, really, we weren't going to worry about it till then. The matriarch is worried; she doesn't want her heart to stop. She kept telling me she knows there is nothing they can do--obviously, even though she knows she is almost 100, the matriarch is expecting the medical establishment to keep her alive. For all her talk about wanting to die, the matriarch wants to go on. I swear it is because her sister-in-law is out swimming. The matriarch wants to swim, too, I guess.

Where's the Fish???

The matriarch usually eats fish and chips with my husband on Saturdays. To my husband's chagrin, they are now known as regulars at a fish and chip restaurant in a small town East of here. The wife of the shop owner loves the matriarch and every time the matriarch goes to the establishment makes a fuss over her. My husband now knows what Swiss Chalet feels like. On Saturday past, the wife suggested they use the matriarch in a commercial; she could be like Clara Peller in the Wendy's commercial, "Where's the Beef?" Only, she would have to say, "Where's the Fish?"
The matriarch was delighted.

My husband has taken the matriarch out for fish and chips on a Saturday for years. Well before she moved in with us, the matriarch and my husband had a regular luncheon date. It wasn't always Saturday but it has always been once a week. Once, he took us, the children and me sans mother-in-law, to the fish and chip place owned by our neighbours and we all got to talking about this little old lady who could eat anything; the owner's wife found it unbelievable this tiny old lady could eat fish, chips, coleslaw, slice of bread and dessert. She'd obviously not realized to whom she was speaking. My husband was mortified; he got our take-out and left. What do you say? It is incredible how much the matriarch eats and it is extremely strange to know one's almost 100 year old mother is infamous.

Funny How Things Seem...

My mother-in-law was ill last year and I arranged her funeral at my husband's request. He was scared because he honestly thought, and so did I and so did the doctors in the hospital, that she would die. She didn't. Although I am cavalier about her presence here, the matriarch is part of the family and I would do anything for her the same way I would do anything for my children. She is not prioritized ahead of my children or my husband but she does require care and patience. The longer she is here the more I realize how much other people do for their parents; our situation is hardly unique--except for the character of the matriarch--and there are lots of people providing needed care for lots of beloved family members. Some of those caretakers do it at great personal cost.

Our family is not against institutions per se but there is a quid pro quo in every situation that must be considered. Would my mother-in-law benefit if she was in a retirement home? I don't know. We take her out almost daily, lunches out regularly, shopping weekly and company at all meals; I don't think a home could do that. Is my mother-in-law happy? That, too, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if she has ever been happy but that does not mean I think she is unhappy here. I believe she would be no different in another situation. If she becomes ill again, we'll consider the doctor's advice and make our choices then. My full-time job is the role of a mother; so, depending on how I feel, I will make the decision as to how much care I am able to provide should the matriarch need more. Currently, my husband works full-time with overtime hours; although, come March, he will be reducing his hours to assist with his mother. My husband used to say he fell in love with me for my vast earning potential; unfortunately, none of my work is financially compensated and my husband may be the only one who truly values my labour. Does it matter? Well, I have to be able to look in the mirror and know I tried my best, if not always successfully, to provide care for my family. And, really, if I cannot be satisfied with my own opinion, no one else's matters. Lastly, and I kid you not, the grocery list for this week includes more sugar, brown and white, Werther's caramels, both kinds long and round, and the decision to buy four bags of chips every week from now on. I have no idea where the woman puts it all but she gets it in there....

More Talk About Death

The matriarch has forgotten she has lived with an irregular heart beat for forty years; they used to send her for sonograms and to specialists until she hit seventy and then the doctor in charge stopped the activity. Obviously, my mother-in-law has a good, strong heart. We are always dreading the inevitable because she is so BORED not because she is ill; I wish the woman would make an effort to do something rather than relying on me all the time. After yesterday's sympathy, today, I am exasperated.

The matriarch has decided she wants to be cremated; apparently, this was decided years ago when she made her will and made her decision legally binding. Did I mention last time the matriarch was ill, I prepaid her funeral? Have I mentioned we own a burial site? My husband bought it when his father died. Have I mentioned the matriarch knew this when she changed her will and neglected to tell me? This is why families go crazy. When she does die, I will have to arrange her cremation despite owning a burial site. The matriarch has offered to change her will but she really would prefer to be cremated. What an awkward discussion. It lead to her worries about her heart and then to the realization she will live until she dies. Obviously.

My husband asked me to arrange everything because he anticipates not taking her death well; and, now, I feel caught up in situations with which I do not want to deal. But, worse, there is this surreal undercurrent that is similar to planning a party. The matriarch doesn't care if certain members of her family, some nieces and nephews, come to her funeral and she wants her death publicized in some papers and not others. I have actually discussed catering the reception after her death with her. She cares in a an absentee host sort of way. What a weird discussion.

Wind Out of Her Sails

In retrospect, yesterday's visit to the doctor's did not go well. My mother-in-law has been off today and wandering around with vaseline on her nose. My husband tried to tell her that the pinkness to her skin is not constant and is affected by her mood but to no avail. I expect she thinks cancer will kill her rather than old age. We took her to lunch today and she ate very well but no dessert; I always worry when the matriarch doesn't eat dessert. Not that the worry lessens but she did have a chocolate milk as well as her tea. I imagine she is thinking too much; possibly the matriarch is worried about the blood thinners and the possibility of having weekly blood tests. My mother-in-law hates blood tests.

It is not like people live forever; I don't understand why the doctor thought it his duty to look for something to be wrong with the matriarch. At 98, shouldn't it be expected for the body to begin to be falling apart? The woman is healthy, steady on her feet, eats well and is not dehydrated--what more should be expected at her age? What should the medical system be looking for? I begin to think society, as a culture, is afraid of death. It has become something of a foreign experience we all must go through and, yet, hide from. The doctor cannot prevent her death; he is not enabling her life either. The matriarch takes a mild blood pressure pill, digoxin, and vitamins...nothing else. The two pills are preventative. I have no idea why she takes folic acid and vitamin D. I do know that the suggestion of skin cancer scared her and because she cannot clearly see her own face, she is worried sick. That stress alone could kill her. Sometimes we live in a world governed by idiots.

A Visit to the Doctor's

Right now, the results of the visit are ambiguous; the Doctor thought my mother-in-law's rosea (light pink skin rash) on her nose and forehead was skin cancer. I had to tell him it comes and goes with her moods; he offered her prescription creams for it, she declined. He wanted to put her back on blood thinners which she had stopped when her eye became infected last year; it was decided he would wait until after the next visit to the eye specialist in April. The matriarch would really prefer not to have to take blood thinners and endure the concomitant weekly or bi-weekly blood tests and quarterly visits to the doctor. He argued everything now was about quality of life; then why did he ask her about skin cancer? Even if it was skin cancer? What could they do for a ninety-eight year old? Put her through tests and discomfort? If everything is about quality of life, why discuss anything that could scare the dickens out of her?

My husband and I don't want my mother-in-law to go back on blood thinners; we certainly don't want her to have a stroke but, with blood thinners, every move is more dangerous than the last. A simple fall could be catastrophic; she did have one last year and was able to just pick herself up again. Blood thinners make such an act less likely and every hard move, slight bang against her hand for example, leaves a bruise. I know she likes to go out but every visit to a medical clinic is a chance encounter with colds, pneumonia, germs. If the matriarch has a stroke, we'll have to deal with it. Being completely honest, it has never occurred to me that she could have a stroke; she hasn't had one yet, so why be really worried? My husband was more surprised by her regular blood pressure what with her routine diet of breakfast, chips, Werthers' caramels, lunch, chips, Werthers' caramels, and dinner, chips, Werthers' caramels, dessert, fruit, and who knows what else the woman eats in the middle of the night. One would think she would be diabetic or suffering from high blood pressure--not the matriarch. As for the memory pills, we'll skip that discussion...

Something that may need to be said...

As I write this blog, it occurs to me that people may not realize old age is not an illness; it is not a disease from which one may recuperate. The only changes that will happen in my mother-in-law's life,except for actual illness or accident,is her own death. There is no escape from old age and it is not pleasant. I am not waiting for her to die but there is no other plan for the future. She cannot travel because the insurance cost is prohibitive; she cannot socialize because most of her friends are dead; she cannot read, knit, crochet or watch television because she is half blind. I do not know how much the matriarch can see but it is less than a lot and more than a little. Sometimes I think she is also half deaf but then I am surprised by what she hears. The matriarch is on medication for mild dementia which is similar to waves of confusion periodically interfering with her life. If it was something controllable, we could have a more steady existence. Our family maintains a very steady routine of which the highlights for the matriarch are outings for lunch or dinner. Mostly lunch and mostly Swiss Chalet.

I also cannot make the matriarch do things; for all her age and fragility, she is an adult, a very old, self-centred adult. Sometimes I think a lot of people I encounter forget that piece of information. The matriarch is an adult with thoughts, opinions, and feelings. When the old are institutionalized, it is very easy to see them as beings in need of care and concern but due very little respect. It is easy to forget that, at one time, they were the decision makers and the action takers. Of course, my mother-in-law drives me crazy; we are two adult females sharing a single home in which one has control (me) and the other has lost her independent status (her). It is like that adage two women cannot maintain one kitchen; someone is always going to resent their status; I get tired of constantly taking care of the matriarch and she gets tired of always relying on me. But we are both stuck in a situation that despite it all we don't want to end. For all the trouble, I don't want to see my husband's mother die; I truly don't think, despite what she says, she wants to die either. I think people are too used to hiding the old away with the pretense that old age is not happening; it happens to all of us and simply not facing the fact doesn't make it go away.