We sat in the Opthamologist's office for the matriarch's annual appointment. Nothing has changed in her eyes--not that I can see anyhow. She still wears her black sunglasses when we drive about town, window rolled down and her hair blowing in the wind. So, we begin our conversation:
He might give me drops, you know.
Why? Is your eye bothering you? The doctor took you off the drops last year because you developed an allergy to the drops but there was nothing wrong with your eye.
But I am old, you know.
The visit to the doctor lasted all of five minutes: he wished her a belated happy birthday and checked both her eyes, the blind one is still blind and the one that is almost blind is still almost blind. She sees what she can see. Then, he wished us a pleasant afternoon, asked us to make an appointment for next year and that was that. My mother-in-law was not happy; she was almost belligerent.
Why are you so angry? There is nothing wrong with your eyes.
He should given me something; he could have made me see better.
He told you last year there was nothing he could do.
He could have told me that again.
Why? You already know.
The woman was royally disappointed for the rest of the day.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
This Really Happened
The matriarch wanted to go to the Mandarin for lunch on Sunday; the service was closed when we arrived and supper was in preparation. As an alternative, I suggested we go back during the week for supper. Wednesday was decided upon and I made reservations Tuesday.
For six please, Wednesday night.
Okay, here is your confirmation number; any birthdays being celebrated?
No, but there is a senior coming: I would like to arrange for the discount.
It's 25% off for seniors but they must show their Provincial Senior Citizen card.
Okay, but my mother-in-law is 100--it is sort of self-evident she is old.
No problem...just bring the card and she will get the discount.
I swear to you they asked for the card when we got there. Really.
For six please, Wednesday night.
Okay, here is your confirmation number; any birthdays being celebrated?
No, but there is a senior coming: I would like to arrange for the discount.
It's 25% off for seniors but they must show their Provincial Senior Citizen card.
Okay, but my mother-in-law is 100--it is sort of self-evident she is old.
No problem...just bring the card and she will get the discount.
I swear to you they asked for the card when we got there. Really.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Being Quiet...
(There are things you really want to say but can't...I don't know why silence helps so much, at times, but if I spoke I swear I would scream.)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Key
Wait, I have a key...
My mother-in-law flourished a key at me this afternoon as we stood outside my front door after this afternoon's corn roast. The event happened at the library-cum-police-station-cum-fire-hall; I think I have mentioned before I live in a very small town. Anyhow, the girls locked up our house while I drove the matriarch down to the corn roast and, then, they followed us down; the library is at the end of the street and around the corner. It shouldn't have taken a long time for the return walk home; unfortunately, my daughters take after me and chatted to neighbours along the way and, basically, had us awkwardly waiting for them on the doorstep. Until, of course, the matriarch brought out the key. I know this sounds stupid but my first thought was: why do you have a key to MY house?
The matriarch started talking about how my husband had given her a key in case she was ever locked out of the house. I was silent. The matriarch only ever goes out with me; though, case in point, I did not have a key because my children did not have keys and needed to have mine...I know this is all very confusing in a way and immensely insecure but you have to know the feeling, for a moment at least, of me resenting the matriarch having a key and me not having one. For a minute, no longer, I was really, really angry at my husband.
I know I tend to be a bit flaky but I deeply resented my husband being so familiar with that element of my character that he knew to act against it--if only it hadn't been his mother.
She stood there waving the key at me. Of course, the woman did not give it to me; she showed it to me and then tried to put it in the lock. I have mentioned before the matriarch is blind, well, not quite, there are times she sees nothing and times she sees less than that but we pretend not to notice. So, I had to stand locked outside of my own house while my mother-in-law who cannot see showed her independence by trying to open the door.
My youngest daughter came up; she did not have the house key but she grabbed the matriarch's key out of her grandmother's hand; no patience is in those who have to go to the washroom. And, the key did not fit.
The matriarch was surprised. No, actually, I believe she was indignant. Why would her son give her a key that did not work? Of course, I felt better and calmed my emotions; though, I was still a little angry at my husband. But the matriarch became royally infuriated at the absent man. My oldest daughter came along and told me my middle child had the house key and she was talking to neighbours about what was happening to the old school house next door to the library-cum-police-station-cum-fire-hall. Apparently, they are trying to put a new restaurant in the century old school; does anyone else see the irony in this? So, four of us stood now waiting on the door step. And, the matriarch began to talk...about my husband, about keys, about how she thought my husband trusted her more than me. And, my youngest danced around the porch trying to stall washroom needs.
When my middle child finally got home, she let us all into the house and the matriarch continued to talk about her son. She was obviously dismayed at my husband's behaviour...so much so she began to annoy me, again. When my husband finally came into the picture, the matriarch began to discuss with him the fact the key to the house did not work. I sat there looking at him.
And, he looked back at me knowing his mother could not see his face. And, knowing that whatever he said, he was going to be in hot water with someone. You could almost see him trying to balance contexts and see whose fury would be worse.
The fact that he allowed the matriarch to think he trusted her more than me bothered me more than anything. I don't know why it is such a big deal; but, call it residue insecurity, these things lately really annoy me. A lot. My husband told his mother he would get her a new key to the house and grimaced at me; I know he was just keeping her quiet; I know he would just give her another key that likely wouldn't work. The whole key debacle was happening because we are getting a new front door and didn't want to make any new keys. What I don't think he knew, and what I anticipated, was the reality she would try any new key he would give her. So, when he eventually gave her the new key, he tried his own key in the lock and with a little magic enabled by her blindness, everything righted itself. Except, of course, my anger.
A son is always a son--an only son and only child, more so. Sometimes, it takes a while to come to this realization. But there are few ways to confront this drama...I don't for a moment believe my husband would put his mother ahead of us but I do know, in order to avoid confrontation, he would do anything to silence his mother. Is it possible to still be afraid of a parent even when one is over 50 and the parent is 100? Is it possible to debate one's wife when dealing with one's mother? Why is it so necessary for my mother-in-law to have a key to the house? Why do I have such anxiety?
The debate within myself ceased for part of the evening. A key to the door is no big deal, really. It is, after all, just a key. But, then, my husband asked for strawberries and sugar...
My mother-in-law flourished a key at me this afternoon as we stood outside my front door after this afternoon's corn roast. The event happened at the library-cum-police-station-cum-fire-hall; I think I have mentioned before I live in a very small town. Anyhow, the girls locked up our house while I drove the matriarch down to the corn roast and, then, they followed us down; the library is at the end of the street and around the corner. It shouldn't have taken a long time for the return walk home; unfortunately, my daughters take after me and chatted to neighbours along the way and, basically, had us awkwardly waiting for them on the doorstep. Until, of course, the matriarch brought out the key. I know this sounds stupid but my first thought was: why do you have a key to MY house?
The matriarch started talking about how my husband had given her a key in case she was ever locked out of the house. I was silent. The matriarch only ever goes out with me; though, case in point, I did not have a key because my children did not have keys and needed to have mine...I know this is all very confusing in a way and immensely insecure but you have to know the feeling, for a moment at least, of me resenting the matriarch having a key and me not having one. For a minute, no longer, I was really, really angry at my husband.
I know I tend to be a bit flaky but I deeply resented my husband being so familiar with that element of my character that he knew to act against it--if only it hadn't been his mother.
She stood there waving the key at me. Of course, the woman did not give it to me; she showed it to me and then tried to put it in the lock. I have mentioned before the matriarch is blind, well, not quite, there are times she sees nothing and times she sees less than that but we pretend not to notice. So, I had to stand locked outside of my own house while my mother-in-law who cannot see showed her independence by trying to open the door.
My youngest daughter came up; she did not have the house key but she grabbed the matriarch's key out of her grandmother's hand; no patience is in those who have to go to the washroom. And, the key did not fit.
The matriarch was surprised. No, actually, I believe she was indignant. Why would her son give her a key that did not work? Of course, I felt better and calmed my emotions; though, I was still a little angry at my husband. But the matriarch became royally infuriated at the absent man. My oldest daughter came along and told me my middle child had the house key and she was talking to neighbours about what was happening to the old school house next door to the library-cum-police-station-cum-fire-hall. Apparently, they are trying to put a new restaurant in the century old school; does anyone else see the irony in this? So, four of us stood now waiting on the door step. And, the matriarch began to talk...about my husband, about keys, about how she thought my husband trusted her more than me. And, my youngest danced around the porch trying to stall washroom needs.
When my middle child finally got home, she let us all into the house and the matriarch continued to talk about her son. She was obviously dismayed at my husband's behaviour...so much so she began to annoy me, again. When my husband finally came into the picture, the matriarch began to discuss with him the fact the key to the house did not work. I sat there looking at him.
And, he looked back at me knowing his mother could not see his face. And, knowing that whatever he said, he was going to be in hot water with someone. You could almost see him trying to balance contexts and see whose fury would be worse.
The fact that he allowed the matriarch to think he trusted her more than me bothered me more than anything. I don't know why it is such a big deal; but, call it residue insecurity, these things lately really annoy me. A lot. My husband told his mother he would get her a new key to the house and grimaced at me; I know he was just keeping her quiet; I know he would just give her another key that likely wouldn't work. The whole key debacle was happening because we are getting a new front door and didn't want to make any new keys. What I don't think he knew, and what I anticipated, was the reality she would try any new key he would give her. So, when he eventually gave her the new key, he tried his own key in the lock and with a little magic enabled by her blindness, everything righted itself. Except, of course, my anger.
A son is always a son--an only son and only child, more so. Sometimes, it takes a while to come to this realization. But there are few ways to confront this drama...I don't for a moment believe my husband would put his mother ahead of us but I do know, in order to avoid confrontation, he would do anything to silence his mother. Is it possible to still be afraid of a parent even when one is over 50 and the parent is 100? Is it possible to debate one's wife when dealing with one's mother? Why is it so necessary for my mother-in-law to have a key to the house? Why do I have such anxiety?
The debate within myself ceased for part of the evening. A key to the door is no big deal, really. It is, after all, just a key. But, then, my husband asked for strawberries and sugar...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
My Husband wants to go to St. Jacobs
St. Jacobs is a little town near Kitchener-Waterloo in Southwestern Ontario; it is in Mennonite country and there all kinds of farms selling their wares on market day. It is about an hour and a half from here but it may as well be a million miles....
My mother-in-law cannot stay on her own for an extended time; it's been that way for years but this year, it seems especially difficult. My oldest daughter went to Italy for her sixteenth birthday; my younger daughters participated in a sailing camp run by the city of Barrie; we always try to get the girls some time away from here. My husband and I have not had a holiday in 3 years; 6 years, if one counts whole family holidays--either my husband or I must always stay with the matriarch...really, it's been a long time. It certainly feels that way.
The matriarch wants to come for the drive to St. Jacobs. That's okay but neither my husband or I want to drive to St. Jacob's, have lunch and come home; we want a day of it. My mother-in-law cannot walk for extended periods of time--she just wants the drive and a meal; we, obviously, want more. In fact, we'd rather skip the meal and bring a picnic. So, the idea has been to find someone to stay with the matriarch.
The sister-in-law has said she won't do it; the matriarch is too hard a guest. My mother-in-law does not want to go to my parents' house; she doesn't want a stranger staying with her. Her nieces can do some time but the matriarch doesn't realize she cannot be left alone. Why not? She wanders about the house and has turned things on and off, sometimes just on; it is not pleasant to realize she cannot be trusted. But it also means we are limited in what we can do as a family. It is also sad to say one gets in the habit of not doing anything; my husband, in particular, is having a hard time of it because he has always been the one to stay with his mother. I think he has only begun to realize how little time he has had out with his daughters. I wonder about our sense of duty---is there ever a reverse sense of obligation? For example, should a senior ever have to compromise on their desires? Am I being unreasonable?
My friend's mother is 94; the woman is incredible but my friend says for all her health, the woman is still her mother and can still drive her crazy. Age is irrelevant in the greater scheme of things. The same can be said about the matriarch; despite it all, the woman is my mother-in-law first then a very old woman; hence, I have these resentful feelings and the incredible guilt. Tomorrow, we have a corn roast in town and the only anticipation I have is the sweet relief of not having to go to Swiss Chalet; and, sadly, I feel a terrible guilt. My daughters don't want their grandmother to go to the corn roast; I'm bringing a knife to cut the cobs of corn but it is still not pretty with a toothless granny eating. Can you believe I would rather clean up at the corn roast than go to a restaurant? There is something wrong with priorities, here. My friend says you do what you can and hope for the best...
My husband says to wait till September or October for the trip to St. Jacobs; life may change. I doubt it. It is also a dreadful kind of thinking....
My mother-in-law cannot stay on her own for an extended time; it's been that way for years but this year, it seems especially difficult. My oldest daughter went to Italy for her sixteenth birthday; my younger daughters participated in a sailing camp run by the city of Barrie; we always try to get the girls some time away from here. My husband and I have not had a holiday in 3 years; 6 years, if one counts whole family holidays--either my husband or I must always stay with the matriarch...really, it's been a long time. It certainly feels that way.
The matriarch wants to come for the drive to St. Jacobs. That's okay but neither my husband or I want to drive to St. Jacob's, have lunch and come home; we want a day of it. My mother-in-law cannot walk for extended periods of time--she just wants the drive and a meal; we, obviously, want more. In fact, we'd rather skip the meal and bring a picnic. So, the idea has been to find someone to stay with the matriarch.
The sister-in-law has said she won't do it; the matriarch is too hard a guest. My mother-in-law does not want to go to my parents' house; she doesn't want a stranger staying with her. Her nieces can do some time but the matriarch doesn't realize she cannot be left alone. Why not? She wanders about the house and has turned things on and off, sometimes just on; it is not pleasant to realize she cannot be trusted. But it also means we are limited in what we can do as a family. It is also sad to say one gets in the habit of not doing anything; my husband, in particular, is having a hard time of it because he has always been the one to stay with his mother. I think he has only begun to realize how little time he has had out with his daughters. I wonder about our sense of duty---is there ever a reverse sense of obligation? For example, should a senior ever have to compromise on their desires? Am I being unreasonable?
My friend's mother is 94; the woman is incredible but my friend says for all her health, the woman is still her mother and can still drive her crazy. Age is irrelevant in the greater scheme of things. The same can be said about the matriarch; despite it all, the woman is my mother-in-law first then a very old woman; hence, I have these resentful feelings and the incredible guilt. Tomorrow, we have a corn roast in town and the only anticipation I have is the sweet relief of not having to go to Swiss Chalet; and, sadly, I feel a terrible guilt. My daughters don't want their grandmother to go to the corn roast; I'm bringing a knife to cut the cobs of corn but it is still not pretty with a toothless granny eating. Can you believe I would rather clean up at the corn roast than go to a restaurant? There is something wrong with priorities, here. My friend says you do what you can and hope for the best...
My husband says to wait till September or October for the trip to St. Jacobs; life may change. I doubt it. It is also a dreadful kind of thinking....
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Does Anyone Remember Lucille Ball?
Today would have been the comedienne's birthday; Lucille Ball would have been 100 today. You know the matriarch is incredible when a) she is older than Lucille Ball would have been and b) there is no sign of anything stopping her.
I believe we will go out for lunch today simply because we can.
I believe we will go out for lunch today simply because we can.
Friday, August 5, 2011
What Are You Doing Today?
What are your plans for the day?
My housework, the girls' camp.
Are you going out today?
You mean for a drive? No.
Oh.
Do you want to come with me when I go to pick up the children?
Is it a far drive?
No..but you could come for the ride, anyhow.
Would I have to walk around?
No, you could wait in the car, the windows could be open, we'll be down by the beach.
The air conditioning won't be on?
No, I told you we have to bring the van into the mechanics.
So, no air conditioning.
But, we'll be down by the beach. There is a nice breeze.
I don't really like going for a drive if there is no air conditioning.
I told you the car has to be fixed.
When are you going to get it fixed?
I don't know--the car is old, it may not be worth it.
To get the air conditioning fixed?
We haven't had it all summer. My husband's car has air conditioning. As long as there is a breeze, you don't seem to miss it.
I like air conditioning, you know, when I go for my drive.
I don't have air conditioning. Are you still coming?
Where?
To the beach--to pick up the girls.
I don't know.
Okay, I'm not going till long after lunch.
Can't you try to fix the air conditioning?
No, I can't. I am not a mechanic. The breeze will still be nice.
It's not the same. Okay, I will stay home.
No problem. What do you want for lunch?
Are we going out?
My housework, the girls' camp.
Are you going out today?
You mean for a drive? No.
Oh.
Do you want to come with me when I go to pick up the children?
Is it a far drive?
No..but you could come for the ride, anyhow.
Would I have to walk around?
No, you could wait in the car, the windows could be open, we'll be down by the beach.
The air conditioning won't be on?
No, I told you we have to bring the van into the mechanics.
So, no air conditioning.
But, we'll be down by the beach. There is a nice breeze.
I don't really like going for a drive if there is no air conditioning.
I told you the car has to be fixed.
When are you going to get it fixed?
I don't know--the car is old, it may not be worth it.
To get the air conditioning fixed?
We haven't had it all summer. My husband's car has air conditioning. As long as there is a breeze, you don't seem to miss it.
I like air conditioning, you know, when I go for my drive.
I don't have air conditioning. Are you still coming?
Where?
To the beach--to pick up the girls.
I don't know.
Okay, I'm not going till long after lunch.
Can't you try to fix the air conditioning?
No, I can't. I am not a mechanic. The breeze will still be nice.
It's not the same. Okay, I will stay home.
No problem. What do you want for lunch?
Are we going out?
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