My oldest child can really cook well and, on Saturday night, prepared a beautiful dinner: orange-fennel pork chops, mashed potatoes, carrots and turnips; the appetizer was roast red peppers garnished with olive oil and garlic; and dessert was Hagen Daz Ice Cream. The pork chops are a specialty and really, really good and the peppers were new. To be honest, no one liked them except me, because I like everything my children cook, and the matriarch. She ate them on top of her mashed potatoes--as an alternative to the chops because, after all, she cannot chew. The woman ate half a platter of them.
There are times, my husband and I argue over the matriarch. He's at work so, half the time, he doesn't really believe me about some of the things I tell him about his mother. We've gotten over the whole sugar thing because he has come to realize his mother will eat us out of house and home for the sugar. But, the matriarch does eat, too, and not just sugar. Sugar is merely the coating for everything. My husband didn't really expect his mother to want a snack after dinner Saturday night; she ate everything on her plate, plus all the peppers, and the ice cream which she really doesn't like but ate anyhow. He had also brought her a bowl of popcorn which we had made for family movie night. (Don't ask me how she eats it, you don't want to know) The matriarch also likes butter which I won't even discuss because the sheer amounts almost nauseate me and my youngest child takes it as quite an offense that no matter how much butter there is on the popcorn, more must always be added for grandma. Anyhow, on weekends, it is my husband's turn to bring his mother her water, snack and do her eye drops; I do the chores Sunday to Thursday, he does Friday and Saturday.
He went to her room without the snack.
What were you thinking? I asked when I found him in the kitchen putting sugar on her strawberries--he now does the quarter cup thing, too.
She ate so much at dinner and the popcorn. I really didn't think she'd be hungry.
When has your mother not been hungry?
I figure the matriarch uses so much energy going up and down the stairs for every meal, she probably really is hungry. She is using up her energy (calories). For this really old lady, who is shrinking before my eyes, her diet is immense. Plus, as she very rarely eats any type of meat anymore, the matriarch really stocks up on her vegetables (except for carrots, she despises carrots), her fruit and her sugar. And, the butter which we won't talk about suffice it to say, we also go through pounds of it, too.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Crime by the Elderly
An example of what I wonder about:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/nov/21/pensioner-crimewave-saga-lout
The Baby Boom generation had its problems, they went away as the boomers aged and became more prosperous, but now, they've returned as pensions, wealth and all kinds of worries have returned. These criminals, old though they are, are not new to crime and are indicative of a concern I have with ageing: character does not change just because one is old, if anything, old habits or habits developed when one was young are more likely to be entrenched. I think about this in terms of how the young have been treated and wonder why people are so surprised when the young, in turn, treat the old with the same kind of callousness with which they were treated. In clearer terms, if children are put in substandard daycare, fed improperly, and not given any kind of respect, why is society so suprised when this is exactly how they treat their elderly parents?
I have written enough about the grief my mother-in-law gives me but she must have done something right for my husband to choose to have her here, to argue it is better for her here, than to have put in her some kind of institution. The matriarch was there for my husband throughout his childhood and his teens. I know not everyone can afford the option, but some people are able to make it work, let their children know they work for them (and I don't mean a miniature ATV, television set, computer or cell-phone) and not for some dream of a bigger house or better car. Of course, it is difficult. But, I think, and I am being really opinionated now, our society values the things people have and doesn't respect the things people do until its members are forced to confront the realities of a particular group. Like these old people in the article above--no one minded them until they started stealing.
My mother-in-law is the way she has always been. This is not to say she is incapable of change. Actually, I constantly hope for some degree of change. But, the nature of her character does not want change and so she is difficult; I wonder about my own character and selfishness. I hope I die before I end up like this. Anyhow, the old who steal were once the young who steal; it is not often we fall into bad habits we did not have when we were young.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2010/nov/21/pensioner-crimewave-saga-lout
The Baby Boom generation had its problems, they went away as the boomers aged and became more prosperous, but now, they've returned as pensions, wealth and all kinds of worries have returned. These criminals, old though they are, are not new to crime and are indicative of a concern I have with ageing: character does not change just because one is old, if anything, old habits or habits developed when one was young are more likely to be entrenched. I think about this in terms of how the young have been treated and wonder why people are so surprised when the young, in turn, treat the old with the same kind of callousness with which they were treated. In clearer terms, if children are put in substandard daycare, fed improperly, and not given any kind of respect, why is society so suprised when this is exactly how they treat their elderly parents?
I have written enough about the grief my mother-in-law gives me but she must have done something right for my husband to choose to have her here, to argue it is better for her here, than to have put in her some kind of institution. The matriarch was there for my husband throughout his childhood and his teens. I know not everyone can afford the option, but some people are able to make it work, let their children know they work for them (and I don't mean a miniature ATV, television set, computer or cell-phone) and not for some dream of a bigger house or better car. Of course, it is difficult. But, I think, and I am being really opinionated now, our society values the things people have and doesn't respect the things people do until its members are forced to confront the realities of a particular group. Like these old people in the article above--no one minded them until they started stealing.
My mother-in-law is the way she has always been. This is not to say she is incapable of change. Actually, I constantly hope for some degree of change. But, the nature of her character does not want change and so she is difficult; I wonder about my own character and selfishness. I hope I die before I end up like this. Anyhow, the old who steal were once the young who steal; it is not often we fall into bad habits we did not have when we were young.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Fish and Chips, Again
My husband hates Saturdays; this outing every week for fish and chips is killing him. I wonder at what point did my mother-in-law's old age become synonymous with dictatorship? There is this border at which the old forsake their independence and need to be cared for but I do not think there is ever a time the old forsake their own desires. Is it such a big deal to go out for fish and chips every week? Do you think you could do it, asks the writer, whose husband is well past 104 trips to the local fish and chip shop? We've had to cut back on the weekly jaunts to the Swiss Chalet because my mother-in-law no longer wanted to pay for the children (well, they're teens, now) and it was getting expensive; she made a point of telling me she would take me but not the children. So, we do not go unless I pay which, trust me, I cannot afford on a weekly basis. Good food and all, but I cannot afford it. There is a strange feeling of having to acquiesce to all the matriarch's wants and, yet, resenting the fact she is selfish. Is it wrong for me to wonder why she hasn't clued in that going to the fish and chip shop is not the best for my husband? I have told her it is not good for his health; she did miss one Saturday and, then, she asked to go back again. Why doesn't he say, "No?" I was quite clear about the Swiss Chalet. It is this particular aspect of old age with which I find it difficult to live: I do not believe seniority gives one the right to be selfish. I don't think selfishness develops as part of old age; I tend to think one has always been selfish and it can either become more entrenched or one can try to change it. I think this way of thinking explains loneliness, too.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Another note about blood thinners.
Here is a note about Warfarin from the Thrombosis Society of Canada:
For most indications for OVKAs, the optimal INR range is 2-3; the INR range for patients with a mechanical mitral valve is generally 2.5-3.5. Lower intensity warfarin (INR 1.5-2.0) has shown benefit over no anticoagulation in the prevention of venous thromboembolism in patients receiving chemotherapy for stage III-IV breast cancer, and , when compared with no treatment, for the prevention of recurrent venous thrombosis. However, when long-term anticoagulation with a target INR range of 1.5-2.0 was compared with the range of 2-3, the latter was more effective and as safe as the lower range.
Please note the inverse relationship between dosage and age--as one gets older, the dosage amounts usually go down because old people tend to have thicker blood, I guess. Not the matriarch. Her current INR range is 1.6-1.9, thus her dosage of Warfarin has to increase contrary to expectations; she is 99 and she takes the same dosage as someone in their fifties. I think the woman is healthy. Stroke really isn't a concern and yet, we must go to weekly blood clinics.
For most indications for OVKAs, the optimal INR range is 2-3; the INR range for patients with a mechanical mitral valve is generally 2.5-3.5. Lower intensity warfarin (INR 1.5-2.0) has shown benefit over no anticoagulation in the prevention of venous thromboembolism in patients receiving chemotherapy for stage III-IV breast cancer, and , when compared with no treatment, for the prevention of recurrent venous thrombosis. However, when long-term anticoagulation with a target INR range of 1.5-2.0 was compared with the range of 2-3, the latter was more effective and as safe as the lower range.
Please note the inverse relationship between dosage and age--as one gets older, the dosage amounts usually go down because old people tend to have thicker blood, I guess. Not the matriarch. Her current INR range is 1.6-1.9, thus her dosage of Warfarin has to increase contrary to expectations; she is 99 and she takes the same dosage as someone in their fifties. I think the woman is healthy. Stroke really isn't a concern and yet, we must go to weekly blood clinics.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Warfarin--for Doctors afraid to let nature take its course
The matriarch is 99--she will die of natural causes or of an accident. She is at home; she is loved; she has all her wants met. Naturally, the doctor has called to change her dosage on Warfarin, upping it, asking for weekly blood tests and justifying the new regime with the notion of stroke prevention. It is terrible taking the matriarch to the blood clinic at any time, but now, it is to be, again, a weekly event with all the concomitant issues of taking a 99 year old woman out in winter, with ice, and she handicapped by a failure to admit she is blind. The woman is healthy; I believe her body is adapting, acclimatizing almost, to the blood thinners and stroke is not a worry. The doctor cannot seem to understand he is making her life uncomfortable, he is not prolonging it--at this rate, he is shortening it by tempting fate. Sometimes I wonder if these health professionals have any common sense at all. My mother-in-law listens to her doctor even when he speaks through me; so, we must go to the clinic, endure the line-up, she must be poked and prodded, and blood taken and, then, we can be free for another week. But is this life? Am I complaining because I think it all so pointless? What happens if the matriarch dies? An autopsy? She's 99--she could die of natural causes at any time, at the blood clinic. Yes, she could have a stroke; she could also be hit by a car; she could also fall and bleed out because she is on blood thinners. And, I know I sound like I am complaining but I am not; I have taken care of the matriarch for far too long to begin to complain now; I know I am a bit of a shrew about it all but I still do it. And, my mother-in-law does not like being on blood thinners and blood tests. She would love to see her doctor but she is not sick; I get the phone calls about new schedules and dosages; she is not allowed to socialize on medicare's dime. I can get all kinds of assistance for illness but not for loneliness...
post script:
I brought my mother-in-law her strawberries with their half cup of sugar and a glass of water for her evening snack; she is sitting up in her room eating potato chips and Werther caramels. She cannot possibly be like any other 99 year old. If I were to list her diet for today alone, no one would believe me.
post script:
I brought my mother-in-law her strawberries with their half cup of sugar and a glass of water for her evening snack; she is sitting up in her room eating potato chips and Werther caramels. She cannot possibly be like any other 99 year old. If I were to list her diet for today alone, no one would believe me.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Computers for the Old
An interesting article I just found about an 96 year old and his ipad:
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/features/2010/1116/1224283402103.html
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/features/2010/1116/1224283402103.html
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Not that I Told You So....
A link to an article written by Margaret Wente in today's Globe and Mail about the extra costs of seniors and their visits to emergency rooms:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/time-to-lead/healthcare/little-old-ladies-are-crashing-the-system/article1794232/
One of the biggest benefits of my mother-in-law living here is that she doesn't get scared anymore. If there is something bothering her physically, I am here to give her an opinion and, if necessary, take her to the doctor. The matriarch does not worry about anything anymore because all her health concerns can be figured out by me or by a quick phone call to a health-line. Previously, I have taken the matriarch to the hospital at 2 o'clock in the morning because she worried herself silly, then phoned me, then waited to go the hospital. And, really, if I am to be totally honest, the event was a social call with nurses and doctors being impressed with a 96 year old still walking around quite normally. But, as Ms Wente observes, there is no cure for old age and, really, a desire to made comfortable or, in the matriarch's case, to have company is the true desire. I wish more doctors made housecalls.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/time-to-lead/healthcare/little-old-ladies-are-crashing-the-system/article1794232/
One of the biggest benefits of my mother-in-law living here is that she doesn't get scared anymore. If there is something bothering her physically, I am here to give her an opinion and, if necessary, take her to the doctor. The matriarch does not worry about anything anymore because all her health concerns can be figured out by me or by a quick phone call to a health-line. Previously, I have taken the matriarch to the hospital at 2 o'clock in the morning because she worried herself silly, then phoned me, then waited to go the hospital. And, really, if I am to be totally honest, the event was a social call with nurses and doctors being impressed with a 96 year old still walking around quite normally. But, as Ms Wente observes, there is no cure for old age and, really, a desire to made comfortable or, in the matriarch's case, to have company is the true desire. I wish more doctors made housecalls.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Small Conflict
We went to the doctor's today--for the 'flu shot at my mother-in-law's insistence. It was pleasant enough, the nurse was very nice, the waiting room was full but pleasant, we were in and out in no time and the matriarch was miserable.
"You aren't sick," I told her. "There was no actual doctor's appointment."
The matriarch forgets that one of the benefits of living here is me; I am not a nurse nor caregiver in the paid sense, but I am someone who sees her daily and will take her to the clinic if she gets sick. "Sick" being the operative word--fever, only. What else can the doctors or the magicians in the hospital do? Unless there is actually something making the matriarch uncomfortable, there is nothing they will do. Last time the matriarch got physically ill, caused by dehydration and leading the doctor to encourage her to move in here, the matriarch had an anxiety attack which she, not the clinicians or anyone else, linked to anasthesia. At the matriarch's request, she will not have anathesia again; my husband and I debated the issue with her at the time but the result was this nothingness--as in, there is nothing to be done for the matriarch should she become ill again. At the time, she was healthy with almost tri-monthly appointments with the doctor. All this visiting and almost socializing has ended. The matriarch is regulated on the blood thinners, I give her her medication, she goes for her blood tests--what else is there to do? What else can be done? Amazing as my almost 100 year old mother-in-law is, she is at the point where medical science will not extend her life--at her own request. Thus, the doctor need only see her at annual check-ups unless she becomes ill with fever--which being here shouldn't be that often. And, the woman is healthy. But, more to the point, she is 99 and death should not be that unexpected.
Lately, I have read books by Father Henri Nouwen and Viktor Frankl; they discuss the meaning of life and the anxieties caused by the sense of impending death. I found both books moving; but, I was, in a sense, lost in Father Nouwen's idea of the aged having a self-awareness about their own mortality. He makes the point a caregiver must be able to accept their own mortality in order to accept the death of an elder, to be able to live with that impending doom. I can understand that; for private reasons, I have lived with my own sense of mortality for a long time. Maybe that is why I am fixated on the matriarch's death? It is not that I want her to die; I want her to understand that we all die. I can sympathize with that. I have a greater difficulty with her ignorance. My husband points out I cannot make his mother be introspective; she does not care about life when she is not here; she does care about strawberries and sugar. Speaking of which, the matriarch recently complained to my husband that he does not put enough sugar on her strawberries.
"How much do you put on?"
"A quarter cup a night. Did you think I was joking?"
But, in the car, on the way home from the clinic, I could see my mother-in-law's fury. Maybe I am extrapolating too much but I think she was expecting the big fuss over a 99 year old woman...I am sorry to say she is too healthy for that. With everything the way it is in the medical world, there is no time to admire the healthy aged; I am not even sure it should be expected. But the matriarch is no longer the star of attention. I wonder at the meaning of her life sometimes; if the matriarch will eventually clue in that there is a world outside her room in which she can still participate. Father Nouwen talks so much about compassion and sharing a spiritual poverty but he does not say how to sympathize with the individual who wants it all and offers nothing in return. How much responsibility and compassion are the elderly entitled when they choose to make their own situations? Remember, my mother-in-law is not ill, she is unhappy or, maybe, I give her too much credit and she is happy to do nothing in her room. I don't know. I get depressed not knowing what to do.
The one thing I do know is that I am more cerebral and social than my mother-in-law and I believe I have an intimacy with my children that I have worked hard to cultivate. I hope to God that will prevent me from sitting alone in my room with a whole world outside. I feel for my husband; he does not know what to do or if to do anything and he constantly plans these Saturday lunches for his mother. He tried to stop them recently and the matriarch asked him on her most recent drive with him when they were going again. He hates fish and chips. Can this be the meaning of the matriarch's life--Saturday lunches with my husband and strawberries and sugar with me?
"You aren't sick," I told her. "There was no actual doctor's appointment."
The matriarch forgets that one of the benefits of living here is me; I am not a nurse nor caregiver in the paid sense, but I am someone who sees her daily and will take her to the clinic if she gets sick. "Sick" being the operative word--fever, only. What else can the doctors or the magicians in the hospital do? Unless there is actually something making the matriarch uncomfortable, there is nothing they will do. Last time the matriarch got physically ill, caused by dehydration and leading the doctor to encourage her to move in here, the matriarch had an anxiety attack which she, not the clinicians or anyone else, linked to anasthesia. At the matriarch's request, she will not have anathesia again; my husband and I debated the issue with her at the time but the result was this nothingness--as in, there is nothing to be done for the matriarch should she become ill again. At the time, she was healthy with almost tri-monthly appointments with the doctor. All this visiting and almost socializing has ended. The matriarch is regulated on the blood thinners, I give her her medication, she goes for her blood tests--what else is there to do? What else can be done? Amazing as my almost 100 year old mother-in-law is, she is at the point where medical science will not extend her life--at her own request. Thus, the doctor need only see her at annual check-ups unless she becomes ill with fever--which being here shouldn't be that often. And, the woman is healthy. But, more to the point, she is 99 and death should not be that unexpected.
Lately, I have read books by Father Henri Nouwen and Viktor Frankl; they discuss the meaning of life and the anxieties caused by the sense of impending death. I found both books moving; but, I was, in a sense, lost in Father Nouwen's idea of the aged having a self-awareness about their own mortality. He makes the point a caregiver must be able to accept their own mortality in order to accept the death of an elder, to be able to live with that impending doom. I can understand that; for private reasons, I have lived with my own sense of mortality for a long time. Maybe that is why I am fixated on the matriarch's death? It is not that I want her to die; I want her to understand that we all die. I can sympathize with that. I have a greater difficulty with her ignorance. My husband points out I cannot make his mother be introspective; she does not care about life when she is not here; she does care about strawberries and sugar. Speaking of which, the matriarch recently complained to my husband that he does not put enough sugar on her strawberries.
"How much do you put on?"
"A quarter cup a night. Did you think I was joking?"
But, in the car, on the way home from the clinic, I could see my mother-in-law's fury. Maybe I am extrapolating too much but I think she was expecting the big fuss over a 99 year old woman...I am sorry to say she is too healthy for that. With everything the way it is in the medical world, there is no time to admire the healthy aged; I am not even sure it should be expected. But the matriarch is no longer the star of attention. I wonder at the meaning of her life sometimes; if the matriarch will eventually clue in that there is a world outside her room in which she can still participate. Father Nouwen talks so much about compassion and sharing a spiritual poverty but he does not say how to sympathize with the individual who wants it all and offers nothing in return. How much responsibility and compassion are the elderly entitled when they choose to make their own situations? Remember, my mother-in-law is not ill, she is unhappy or, maybe, I give her too much credit and she is happy to do nothing in her room. I don't know. I get depressed not knowing what to do.
The one thing I do know is that I am more cerebral and social than my mother-in-law and I believe I have an intimacy with my children that I have worked hard to cultivate. I hope to God that will prevent me from sitting alone in my room with a whole world outside. I feel for my husband; he does not know what to do or if to do anything and he constantly plans these Saturday lunches for his mother. He tried to stop them recently and the matriarch asked him on her most recent drive with him when they were going again. He hates fish and chips. Can this be the meaning of the matriarch's life--Saturday lunches with my husband and strawberries and sugar with me?
Monday, November 8, 2010
To be 95 Again...
Here is a link to an essay in today's Globe and Mail about elderly twins; they are 95, she lives at home with 24 hour help and he lives in an old age home having been put there after a stroke:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/my-father-and-his-twin-sister-are-turning-95/article1787853/
The matriarch, still not admitting she is blind, still makes the stairs on steady feet, walks without a cane and eats sugar like it is going out of style.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/my-father-and-his-twin-sister-are-turning-95/article1787853/
The matriarch, still not admitting she is blind, still makes the stairs on steady feet, walks without a cane and eats sugar like it is going out of style.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
How to Live Forever and ever and ever and ever and....
Suzanne Somers does a lot of work with bio--I forget what it is called and alternative cancer treatments and holistic living and she takes 20 vitamins a day and rubs estrogen on her face for two weeks one session, then rubs progesterone on her face for the next two weeks and wants to live till she is 120. "Why?" I ask if it takes that much effort.
My mother-in-law will be 100 on her next birthday and I figure she is preserved; the only thing she seems to eat in any kind of habitual way is sugar. A friend told me her neighbour suggested a shot of vodka with a clove of garlic every morning; the garlic must soak in the vodka. I have heard of exercises and diets and hormone therapies all to increase longevity. Why? It makes absolutely no sense to me that people pursue the idea of immortality and won't invest the time to know their neighbour. My husband figures the best way for people to stay alive is to just avoid illness and, in most cases, that is just dumb luck. People ultimately stay alive because they just don't die--sounds silly, doesn't it? But is there any way around that can prevent death that doesn't in some way also prevent life? I listen to Suzanne Somers and admire the focus with which she aims to live a long time; what if she gets hit by a car? All that time she invested in herself will have been for nought.
Socrates talks about the unexamined life not worth living; I don't know if I completely agree. With the matriarch here and child-raising, my life is swallowed by others' concerns. In as much as I have time to examine my life, this blog is it. In my moral world, I don't think there is much time to waste on myself--there is so much to do for others--I don't even think I would bother. Is that a different type of selfishness? Some times I feel lost wondering about these issues. My husband just came in and said ginseng supposedly helps with aging; I'm allergic to it.
My mother-in-law will be 100 on her next birthday and I figure she is preserved; the only thing she seems to eat in any kind of habitual way is sugar. A friend told me her neighbour suggested a shot of vodka with a clove of garlic every morning; the garlic must soak in the vodka. I have heard of exercises and diets and hormone therapies all to increase longevity. Why? It makes absolutely no sense to me that people pursue the idea of immortality and won't invest the time to know their neighbour. My husband figures the best way for people to stay alive is to just avoid illness and, in most cases, that is just dumb luck. People ultimately stay alive because they just don't die--sounds silly, doesn't it? But is there any way around that can prevent death that doesn't in some way also prevent life? I listen to Suzanne Somers and admire the focus with which she aims to live a long time; what if she gets hit by a car? All that time she invested in herself will have been for nought.
Socrates talks about the unexamined life not worth living; I don't know if I completely agree. With the matriarch here and child-raising, my life is swallowed by others' concerns. In as much as I have time to examine my life, this blog is it. In my moral world, I don't think there is much time to waste on myself--there is so much to do for others--I don't even think I would bother. Is that a different type of selfishness? Some times I feel lost wondering about these issues. My husband just came in and said ginseng supposedly helps with aging; I'm allergic to it.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Being Old is not like Having a Pet
Here are some pictures of the elderly in China courtesy of the Globe and Mail in Toronto:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/asia-pacific/chinas-growing-elderly-population/article1786391/
Of course, in this blog, I complain about taking care of my mother-in-law; it is hard, it is never ending and the woman doesn't like me. Let's focus on the last part of that statement: "the woman doesn't like me." Forget about the implications towards me, think about my mother-in-law's role in the sentence. The "woman" has an opinion, feelings, prejudices, something she "dislikes." Do you think it matters?
It is so easy to forget that my mother-in-law's opinions do matter; whatever I am feeling, at 99, she has earned the right to be mean, critical or happy and generous; in fact, except for her age, she is just like you and me. A friend sent me an email suggesting I put the matriarch in a respite centre for a weekend and have a break. Like putting a dog in a kennel for a weekend away? Like she wouldn't know? Like her opinion wouldn't matter? For all my griping, I do believe it is important for an old person to be with their family rather than warehoused in an institution, even a lovely one, to wait to die. There is something terrible about doing the best for the elderly without their consultation--is it the best if it is not what they want? Is it more important to satisfy a health need than an emotional one? It is ugly what I feel at times, but more importantly, much of the matriarch's misery is of her own making; twenty years, I have known the woman and she never called a person to just say "Hi" and, now, everyone is dead, and she cannot know and she is immensely lonely. I don't which is worse thinking you are neglected or knowing you are alone.
I cannot just put the matriarch in a place for a weekend and have time with my family and exclude her--that seems like an oxymoron. And, yes, this situation just seems to be going on forever--who would have thought their mother-in-law would live till 99; it is hysterical with the eye specialist...it is almost as though he cannot believe the matriarch is still alive and coming to see him. He isn't a very nice man and there is something peculiarly ironic going to see him. Anyhow, I can't just shut the matriarch away and forget she is a human being with feelings. At some point, I am afraid I could be 99 and end up like her and I wouldn't want my family not to bring me strawberries and 10 pounds of sugar at night.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/asia-pacific/chinas-growing-elderly-population/article1786391/
Of course, in this blog, I complain about taking care of my mother-in-law; it is hard, it is never ending and the woman doesn't like me. Let's focus on the last part of that statement: "the woman doesn't like me." Forget about the implications towards me, think about my mother-in-law's role in the sentence. The "woman" has an opinion, feelings, prejudices, something she "dislikes." Do you think it matters?
It is so easy to forget that my mother-in-law's opinions do matter; whatever I am feeling, at 99, she has earned the right to be mean, critical or happy and generous; in fact, except for her age, she is just like you and me. A friend sent me an email suggesting I put the matriarch in a respite centre for a weekend and have a break. Like putting a dog in a kennel for a weekend away? Like she wouldn't know? Like her opinion wouldn't matter? For all my griping, I do believe it is important for an old person to be with their family rather than warehoused in an institution, even a lovely one, to wait to die. There is something terrible about doing the best for the elderly without their consultation--is it the best if it is not what they want? Is it more important to satisfy a health need than an emotional one? It is ugly what I feel at times, but more importantly, much of the matriarch's misery is of her own making; twenty years, I have known the woman and she never called a person to just say "Hi" and, now, everyone is dead, and she cannot know and she is immensely lonely. I don't which is worse thinking you are neglected or knowing you are alone.
I cannot just put the matriarch in a place for a weekend and have time with my family and exclude her--that seems like an oxymoron. And, yes, this situation just seems to be going on forever--who would have thought their mother-in-law would live till 99; it is hysterical with the eye specialist...it is almost as though he cannot believe the matriarch is still alive and coming to see him. He isn't a very nice man and there is something peculiarly ironic going to see him. Anyhow, I can't just shut the matriarch away and forget she is a human being with feelings. At some point, I am afraid I could be 99 and end up like her and I wouldn't want my family not to bring me strawberries and 10 pounds of sugar at night.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The thing about Age...
It occurs to me, now and then, my mother-in-law is unaware of how old she is...I have been sick the past few days and she has been scared. She hates flu's and colds and any type of discomfort. And, I know I am being unfair...
My mother-in-law asked me if I had the Hong Kong 'flu. She had had it when my husband was a teenager and her husband had not been the most sympathetic of caretakers; because I am nasty, I asked who had taken care of her son while she was sick. The woman had to pause. I don't even think she had thought about her son while she was ill; he's been taking care of my children while I am in bed. But the thing is, despite her comments to the contrary, my mother-in-law does not want to die. I guess we never really want to succumb to our own deaths--even at almost 100. And, yet, is it so unreasonable to wonder why the woman would expect to continue living? First off, the matriarch is not sick--so, it's not even an issue in a sense; but, then again, she could die at any moment and one would think she would have reconciled herself to that possibility. I guess as humans we don't--I certainly never anticipate my own death and it is just as easy to die in a car crash as to fall asleep and never wake up; when one is due, one is dead. But, the matriarch just expects to keep on living--I don't know how she does it. My husband figures as long as his mother has something to hope for, she will continue to hope for it. She is looking forward to the Keg for his 60th in December. I didn't even know that was where he wanted to go--actually, neither did he, but that is where the matriarch plans to take him. So, she has plans for after Christmas which means she will be around for Christmas.
When one is sick and tired and the children are coming down with the 'flu, there is nothing like a cranky, 99 year old not wanting you near but still expecting the same daily treatments. My husband told her I was too tired to drive. She is not ill and we cannot get respite care; and her sister-in-law is out for the balance of the winter---oh well...life does continue.
My mother-in-law asked me if I had the Hong Kong 'flu. She had had it when my husband was a teenager and her husband had not been the most sympathetic of caretakers; because I am nasty, I asked who had taken care of her son while she was sick. The woman had to pause. I don't even think she had thought about her son while she was ill; he's been taking care of my children while I am in bed. But the thing is, despite her comments to the contrary, my mother-in-law does not want to die. I guess we never really want to succumb to our own deaths--even at almost 100. And, yet, is it so unreasonable to wonder why the woman would expect to continue living? First off, the matriarch is not sick--so, it's not even an issue in a sense; but, then again, she could die at any moment and one would think she would have reconciled herself to that possibility. I guess as humans we don't--I certainly never anticipate my own death and it is just as easy to die in a car crash as to fall asleep and never wake up; when one is due, one is dead. But, the matriarch just expects to keep on living--I don't know how she does it. My husband figures as long as his mother has something to hope for, she will continue to hope for it. She is looking forward to the Keg for his 60th in December. I didn't even know that was where he wanted to go--actually, neither did he, but that is where the matriarch plans to take him. So, she has plans for after Christmas which means she will be around for Christmas.
When one is sick and tired and the children are coming down with the 'flu, there is nothing like a cranky, 99 year old not wanting you near but still expecting the same daily treatments. My husband told her I was too tired to drive. She is not ill and we cannot get respite care; and her sister-in-law is out for the balance of the winter---oh well...life does continue.
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