Old, Blind and Alone

Not a nice description of the matriarch is it? How does one make life better for such a person?
Ultimately, life is about living, I think, and not being entertained, so no matter how many times we go out for lunch, the spa, the hairdressers, there are only so many activities I can encourage the matriarch to do, there is only so much entertainment I can offer. There is a reality to the fact, all individuals live most alone in their heads; they can easily choose to participate in the world or not,but life is governed by how we, individuals, choose to see the world and how we choose to participate in it. An old, blind senior is most responsible for how they see the world--though, I might be responsible for almost everything else from hygiene on, the matriarch is the one with the world view.

Two things happened recently that have motivated me to think about how things work in this world. We went to Easter Dinner at my parents' house; they gave the matriarch a basket with chocolates. A lovely thought. Both before and after the meal, the matriarch discussed her desire for Werthers' caramels (No surprise) as a gift from my parents. So, obviously, she was disappointed. My point is the matriarch expressed no desire to share Easter with her son, grandchildren, or my parents--it's a given, I don't count; she didn't ask me to buy cards or chocolates, no mention of anything at all. But, the matriarch was very focused on what she would get--like a child at Christmas. And, I think it is very easy to write this kind of thought off as the activity of a self-centred senior; perhaps, I should have reminded her of the holidays. But, the matriarch knew it was the holidays; she knew it was Easter, she knew to expect candy. When my mother-in-law complained to me about no one buying her her specific type of candies, I remarked she had made no thought for anyone else over the holidays.

The matriarch was smart enough to reply by saying she was old and no longer thought of anyone else. What do you say to that? Is it true?

The second event involves my girlfriend's grandmother in a home after a stroke has left her unable to communicate. The woman understands everything but responds with a gibberish that is heartbreaking. And, she gets very angry, almost violent, when she realizes no one can understand her. Yet, her grand-daughter, my friend's daughter, has visited the woman once a week, every week for the past eight years. I think that is so admirable. But, then of the 7 days in a week, the woman only has a visitor 1 day. Other than that, she sits in her room, unable to communicate and with no one with whom to visit. Can I criticize the situation?

So, the matriarch is a selfish old so-and-so; but I try my best; the old lady in the home is alone in her misery but her grand-daughter tries her best. Do old people also have a responsibility to temper their anger at their individual situations? Growing old is not for the weak of heart.

Live to be 100

An interesting article from the Guardian about centenarians; 1 in 4 children under the age of 16 have a likelihood of living to be 100 years of age. It is an interesting article and while it discusses the material concerns of the aged it fails to discuss the social ones. I cannot help but think of seniors who live their lives without concern for others and then need help...You know what goes around comes around and I keep having this concern for how people who put their children in daycare are surprised when their children put them in seniorcare. The matriarch drives me crazy and, sometimes, I feel like I am in this unending spiral of not doing enough for her and living with the guilt of it all, but, really, isn't it better for her here than elsewhere? I tell myself that everyday and bring her cookies to eat at night....

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/apr/19/live-to-be-100-one-in-four-britons

It's Not Fair Living With a 100 yr. old Susan Lucci

This is not "All My Children," but the wiles of a 100 year old living her own soap opera is enough to drive anyone crazy. It's age, it's senility, it's dementia--no one ever comes out and says "Sometimes, she is just plain mean." No one ever says that and I am asked by my husband and daughters to just bite my tongue and forget, things cannot possibly go on forever. That all depends on perspective and from where I am sitting, I think "Yes, it could so possibly."

The matriarch told her niece in Southwestern Ontario I wasn't putting on a party for her 100th birthday because I needed the money to send my children to school.

I said no such thing I told her.

Well, that's the reason, really.

No, it is not. I asked you about a reception; I asked my husband; I was just going to put one on but my daughters said you wouldn't like it. We are going to the Keg at your request. Did you tell your niece you've invited all your nieces from Barrie? That my husband is paying for them to have dinner? Did you say anything about that?

Well, no, but really a reception would have been too expensive.

A reception would have been a heck of a lot cheaper than dinner for 14 at the Keg and accommodations for your in-laws. Did you say your sister-in-law is coming into town for the dinner? Did you tell your niece we are arranging for a bed and breakfast? Did you invite your niece? (Yes, I know I got a little hot under the collar!)

Well, no, I didn't do that. I was a little upset about my nephew. (The nephew in Chatham, ON has just been diagnosed with terminal leukemia. The matriarch just found out and I do feel sorry for her; yet another of the third generation is dying.)

But you weren't upset enough not to make up a lie about my children.

The matriarch then tried to tell me I didn't understand; all I could think of was the daring to use my daughters as an excuse, to outright lie about them.

You know, my husband would never begrudge you anything...if you wanted a party, you would have one. But to tell everyone, I will not throw you one and then tell my husband, You don't want one. Well, that is just not fair.

Please note at no time during this discussion did the matriarch apologize. I feel awful and regret just not putting on a reception. Had the matriarch not first explicitly told my husband she didn't want anything big for 100th birthday, it probably would have happened. But I have already invited her Barrie nieces to dinner at the Keg; I cannot afford both a dinner and a reception. It didn't even occur to me to invite the family in Chatham; it's not like they check in the way the family in Barrie does.

But it seems to me the matriarch wanted the drama--suffering from boredom, perhaps? I don't know. But it is terrible to know I am the one to have to face people knowing what the matriarch has said about me and my family. Once, my mother asked me if I thought the matriarch was scared of me. The question bothered me to no end; I kept thinking in my head about everything we do and I honestly don't think she could be frightened. But, now, I am beginning to realize the power of a 100 year old woman over my life; and, I am very scared.

Book Review

Susan Jacoby was on "The Current" one morning this week; in her book, "Never Say Die," she writes about the realities of aging and the deceptions with which we currently live. It is not that she argues one cannot have a healthy old age, but that the body ages despite any attempt to thwart nature. I think she articulates a lot of what I am watching my mother-in-law go through and how people react to her and how I react to people who worry about aging. Anyhow, I anticipate Jacoby's book because of the reviews. It is reassuring to have someone share the same view.

Review: http://www.cbc.ca/books/2011/04/dont-believe-the-hype-susan-jacoby-tells-the-truth-about-aging.html#socialcomments

It is hard to write about the Old

Nothing happens when one lives with a very elderly, old person. I know that sounds trite, but, really, what can be done?

Aside from going out for lunch which, God knows, our family and my husband, in particular, have done to extremes, there is nothing else to be done. The matriarch wants for nothing, the doctor does not need to see her--she is not sick, on pills, or anything else, we do the blood tests at his request, but really, does the lady even have to be on blood thinners--we do the spa, the hairstylist, routine trips to my parents' house, the odd visit by the matriarch's sister-in-law who, despite expectations, is coming for her birthday, and the constant, never-ending purchases of Werther's candies and potato chips. I believe I am becoming bored with my own routine. And, I live it. Is it wrong to say I am tired of waiting for her to die?

It has been 3 years here and 10 years on a weekly routine at the matriarch's own house. Am I judging her life? Am I allowed? What else is the matriarch supposed to do? It is inhibiting and, yet, I am sure it is worse for her; can you imagine her life? Especially if the children and I didn't make the effort? I cannot imagine what it is like in an old age home...all those seniors living beyond their best-before dates. It must, at times, be dreadful. And, yet, I sit here wondering what else the matriarch could do to make her life more meaningful...my husband corrects me..who am I to say her life has no meaning?

This afternoon, I caught her eating pepper out of the pepper shaker in her room. You know you watch someone and wonder do they know what they are doing? And, she sneezed and twisted the lid back on the shaker tight. I stood in the doorway so she couldn't see my shadow until she turned directly.

Everything okay?

Yep. Just getting myself some pepper.

So, the matriarch knew what she was doing; yes, it was an odd thing to do...and, yet, is it really crazy if she knows what she is doing and accepts the consequences? So, am I being judgemental or beginning to accept I am living in a madhouse? It is one, right? That can't possibly be normal behaviour...it can't possibly be normal to accept it. I wish I knew what the definition of normal is because, lately, I can honestly say I feel as though I am grasping at straws in an attempt to find it.

A New Movie

Some might find this interesting:

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/howtoliveforever/

Don't understand how people who strive to live forever can be anything but selfish....

It's my Birthday

Yesterday, at the hair salon, the stylist asked the matriarch what she was doing for her birthday.

Nothing....no, I think they're taking me to The Keg.

The stylist looked at me and shook her head. I know it is the matriarch's 100th birthday; I know I should be planning a reception at a local restaurant or a hall; I know all these things. Of course, when I discuss the situation with the matriarch she doesn't want anything. She doesn't want a reception. She doesn't want a party. My husband is making her go to The Keg. With the children, my parents, her nieces and their husbands, her sister-in-law and her husband--if, after last visit, they show up.

At dinner last night, I again asked the matriarch, in front of my husband and children, if she would like to have a reception at the local Lions' Hall; it's an old one room school house, not very big but would be a nice place for a reception. We could serve sandwiches and tea, the children could make a cake.

I told you I want nothing.

My oldest daughter looks and me and asks why I keep going on about grandma's birthday? The woman has told us more than once she wants nothing.

Later, my husband talks to me after dinner, when the children aren't around and the matriarch is upstairs.

You do realize all of her friends are dead? No one she knows is around anymore.

I say, even if it is just family, it would be a nice thing to do.

My mother wants to go The Keg with all of us, that's enough. That's what she wants.

Then, why does she keep telling everyone I am doing nothing for her birthday?