Two days after the matriarch turned 100, we went to Swiss Chalet. The staff had asked me to bring her in to celebrate her birthday.
They were absolutely lovely. The manager did up a special table with cloth, flowers and balloons; they treated us for lunch and they brought in a cake. It was, without question, absolutely delightful. The matriarch was so surprised, very surprised, and it was so nice. We took pictures and the matriarch was delighted to participate in a second party. I think she likes this turning 100 thing. I know restaurants are there to make money and business and all that, but this was so beyond regular ideas of customer service and it mattered so much to my mother-in-law....
Although...it wouldn't be my mother-in-law without a comment on her lack of food presents--Swiss Chalet excepted. On her birthday, she noticed she received flowers and chocolates but no Werthers Caramels and no chips. So, after this beautiful lunch, we went shopping for her candies and her snacks. Because, God knows, what is life without Werthers Caramels and Chips and if, at 100, one cannot have what one wants, when can you?
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
100th Birthday
Yesterday was the matriarch's 100 birthday. 15 of us went to The Keg and the restaurant was lovely and the party was lovely and the Matriarch ate 2 (!!!!) racks of baby back ribs. My husband stopped eating to watch her. I swear his mother constantly impresses him.
The matriarch seemed happy. I hope so.
The matriarch seemed happy. I hope so.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A Bit of News
The matriarch's sister-in-law has cancer again. They called her this morning and are taking her in for emergency surgery the day after the matriarch's birthday. The matriarch took it in with one sentence:
Well, I guess she's not coming to my birthday.
Personally, I think the absence is to be expected; it is sad on so many levels. For the sister-in-law, it is obviously a concern; her husband has the start of Alzheimers and I am sure the stress will compound the situation, not to mention the man will be worried about his wife. And, of course, the party the matriarch didn't want to have, turned out to be glad she was having, is now shrinking in numbers. The distant nephew who was coming has also cancelled. I don't want to be the one to tell the matriarch; so, I am leaving it to my husband to relay the news. None of this is funny, but there is a certain irony here...the woman didn't want to have a party in the first place and, maybe, I should have listened. She will now be disappointed at the fewer numbers. The matriarch's expectations will have been met. I am trying not to laugh at myself but, sometimes, it is all so defeating. Life is just one long, melodramatic soap opera.
Well, I guess she's not coming to my birthday.
Personally, I think the absence is to be expected; it is sad on so many levels. For the sister-in-law, it is obviously a concern; her husband has the start of Alzheimers and I am sure the stress will compound the situation, not to mention the man will be worried about his wife. And, of course, the party the matriarch didn't want to have, turned out to be glad she was having, is now shrinking in numbers. The distant nephew who was coming has also cancelled. I don't want to be the one to tell the matriarch; so, I am leaving it to my husband to relay the news. None of this is funny, but there is a certain irony here...the woman didn't want to have a party in the first place and, maybe, I should have listened. She will now be disappointed at the fewer numbers. The matriarch's expectations will have been met. I am trying not to laugh at myself but, sometimes, it is all so defeating. Life is just one long, melodramatic soap opera.
My Husband spends the day with his Mother
My daughter had to referee a number of soccer games on Saturday and, because it was far away, my other children came and my husband was left alone with his mother. I should note he also had work obligations--so, he was around to give her lunch and dinner but not to socialize. Apparently, the day did not go well. She was not happy. She did not go out for lunch. She sat in her room and griped. Okay, I think she did. I just know the matriarch was in bed when I got home late at night and we had to go for lunch on Sunday. Swiss Chalet is lovely; the staff is great; the food is wonderful; but, even they are beginning to wonder why we eat there so much...
Can an old person dictate a family's lifestyle? Am I giving in too much to the matriarch? Can this really go on forever?
I have been reading about quality of care in some of the homes in England and Ireland and there is an outcry over the abuse; mind, the homes are more for the intellectually and physically challenged rather than the old. But, does it matter? Would I be able to live with myself if I knew the matriarch (who let's admit is slowly driving me crazy) was being abused? What if it wasn't so much abuse as left alone, isolated, one of a number in a warehouse? If nothing else, I do try; much like my cooking, however, from the matriarch's perspective, I fail miserably.
My husband, who I really admire, says, in a nice way, I am a control freak and I must let things go. His mother chooses to live her life her way; she doesn't have to remind me I don't quite cook to her taste but she chooses to rather than be quiet, offer suggestions to cook differently, buy me a new cookbook. He likes my cooking, anyhow.
I wish I could empathize differently; I wish I knew how. I can't spend the day in the house with the matriarch without encouraging her to do something, go somewhere, go out for lunch. My husband has told me I am as dictatorial with the children as his mother is with me. My middle child, who for the sake of argument I'll suggest is the opinionated one, tried to get her grandmother to try a new restaurant on Sunday; the girls are all tired of Swiss Chalet. But, I interfered and said, Grandma is paying, so we go where she wants....
My girlfriend's family took care of her grandmother for twenty years. They brought a hospital bed into the home. They were good and decent people and it cost them dearly as a family. My friend's parents lost their middle age to the care of their mother; I admire them so much but the cost is so high. Why must it be so???
Can an old person dictate a family's lifestyle? Am I giving in too much to the matriarch? Can this really go on forever?
I have been reading about quality of care in some of the homes in England and Ireland and there is an outcry over the abuse; mind, the homes are more for the intellectually and physically challenged rather than the old. But, does it matter? Would I be able to live with myself if I knew the matriarch (who let's admit is slowly driving me crazy) was being abused? What if it wasn't so much abuse as left alone, isolated, one of a number in a warehouse? If nothing else, I do try; much like my cooking, however, from the matriarch's perspective, I fail miserably.
My husband, who I really admire, says, in a nice way, I am a control freak and I must let things go. His mother chooses to live her life her way; she doesn't have to remind me I don't quite cook to her taste but she chooses to rather than be quiet, offer suggestions to cook differently, buy me a new cookbook. He likes my cooking, anyhow.
I wish I could empathize differently; I wish I knew how. I can't spend the day in the house with the matriarch without encouraging her to do something, go somewhere, go out for lunch. My husband has told me I am as dictatorial with the children as his mother is with me. My middle child, who for the sake of argument I'll suggest is the opinionated one, tried to get her grandmother to try a new restaurant on Sunday; the girls are all tired of Swiss Chalet. But, I interfered and said, Grandma is paying, so we go where she wants....
My girlfriend's family took care of her grandmother for twenty years. They brought a hospital bed into the home. They were good and decent people and it cost them dearly as a family. My friend's parents lost their middle age to the care of their mother; I admire them so much but the cost is so high. Why must it be so???
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
And You Want Me to do What?
The other day, the matriarch and I went to the local Re-Store to drop off a donation of a toilet. I had gotten it from my father, it was new and I didn't need it--may as well give it away...The matriarch came with me for the drive and the workers at the Re-Store couldn't believe I had an 100 year old lady in the van. One fellow, while I was in the shop looking for the person in charge of donations, had come up to the van and asked the matriarch what she wanted done. The window was open and the two got talking; he was very nice, patient with my mother-in-law, and suitably impressed such an old lady had come for a drive. They were all very nice. Of course, they couldn't believe I was taking the matriarch out for a drive while I did my errands.
I have been told I shouldn't demand so much from my mother-in-law. It didn't occur to me that I was demanding a lot from her; the matriarch likes going for drives; gas is too expensive to just drive around; so, I take her with me when I have to pop over to the bank, the gas station, drop videos off at the store; it gets her out of the house and the matriarch wants to come. But, I have been told, it is inappropriate for me to take the matriarch out, to take her round to all the stores I must visit, errands I must do. Such an old woman should stay in her room.
Maybe I am wrong to offer the rides to the matriarch...I don't force her to come. I offer her the opportunity of going for a drive and she has the option of saying, "No."
She doesn't.
And, I don't take her shopping or leave her alone in the van for extended periods of time; she comes along to keep me company. I feel defensive because I have been told it is wrong. I shouldn't be taking the matriarch out so much; she could die; she could have an accident; I could have an accident. The point is what? At 99, 11 months and 13 days, the matriarch could die anyhow. The woman can be in her room or she can be out driving around in the world. It isn't wrong to let the old see the world. It makes me more comfortable when the matriarch wants to be out and about; it's better than going for lunch all the time. It is less draining than seeing her sit in her room waiting for visitors that never come--except her family, my parents, the children, my husband and me. It is just weird how used to isolating the elderly society has become; it is as though people don't want to see the inevitable, as though we are denying one day all of us become old.
On Saturday, I listened to "The Age of Persuasion" by Terry O'Reilly and Mike Tennant. They discussed how advertisers are currently governed by account managers in their thirties; thus, advertising is mostly youthful. But, the strongest market is actually the baby boomers and they are in their forties, fifties and sixties. Maybe account managers also play on an anxiety baby boomers have about aging? I wonder. Old Age homes have become so prominent and we are so used to thinking the final steps in life involve a warehouse waiting to die, we don't consider the merits or morals of such a choice. The old do tend to be shuttered away to live out the last of their days. The matriarch drives me crazy. Is it because she is old or because she is a demanding mother-in-law? Is it wrong for me to take for a drive? Or is it better to let her sit in her room?
I have been told I shouldn't demand so much from my mother-in-law. It didn't occur to me that I was demanding a lot from her; the matriarch likes going for drives; gas is too expensive to just drive around; so, I take her with me when I have to pop over to the bank, the gas station, drop videos off at the store; it gets her out of the house and the matriarch wants to come. But, I have been told, it is inappropriate for me to take the matriarch out, to take her round to all the stores I must visit, errands I must do. Such an old woman should stay in her room.
Maybe I am wrong to offer the rides to the matriarch...I don't force her to come. I offer her the opportunity of going for a drive and she has the option of saying, "No."
She doesn't.
And, I don't take her shopping or leave her alone in the van for extended periods of time; she comes along to keep me company. I feel defensive because I have been told it is wrong. I shouldn't be taking the matriarch out so much; she could die; she could have an accident; I could have an accident. The point is what? At 99, 11 months and 13 days, the matriarch could die anyhow. The woman can be in her room or she can be out driving around in the world. It isn't wrong to let the old see the world. It makes me more comfortable when the matriarch wants to be out and about; it's better than going for lunch all the time. It is less draining than seeing her sit in her room waiting for visitors that never come--except her family, my parents, the children, my husband and me. It is just weird how used to isolating the elderly society has become; it is as though people don't want to see the inevitable, as though we are denying one day all of us become old.
On Saturday, I listened to "The Age of Persuasion" by Terry O'Reilly and Mike Tennant. They discussed how advertisers are currently governed by account managers in their thirties; thus, advertising is mostly youthful. But, the strongest market is actually the baby boomers and they are in their forties, fifties and sixties. Maybe account managers also play on an anxiety baby boomers have about aging? I wonder. Old Age homes have become so prominent and we are so used to thinking the final steps in life involve a warehouse waiting to die, we don't consider the merits or morals of such a choice. The old do tend to be shuttered away to live out the last of their days. The matriarch drives me crazy. Is it because she is old or because she is a demanding mother-in-law? Is it wrong for me to take for a drive? Or is it better to let her sit in her room?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tragedy of Tragedies
The fish'n'chip shop is moving. The matriarch is devastated; the world as she knows it has succumbed and we, all of us, are burdened with change, difference, adaptation.
The matriarch practically yelled the news at me at supper this evening. She shook her head, she raised her arms, she did not know what she was going to do.
My husband clarified the situation by indicating the shop was only moving up the road aways.
But, you never know who the new people will be...said in a hushed whisper. I could not believe how emotional the matriarch was over this sequence of events.
The place is not for sale. Its lease is up. They are moving.
What's that you say? The matriarch cannot hear my husband when she is upset. Truly, she cannot hear anybody. The world is silenced by events affecting her, alone.
The restaurant is moving. It is not for sale. My husband has spoken louder. For, generally a quiet kind of guy, he sounds a bit angry and the children are watching him. I am quiet because this has nothing to do with me. Nothing. And, the matriarch knows it. I don't go to the fish'n'chip place. She knows this without a doubt and I am free and clear from blame. Yes, I know there is no blame, no accusation, but it is a good feeling knowing I am uninvolved. Isn't that terrible? My husband is the scapegoat in this situation and I feel relief?
How do you know there aren't going to be new people?
Of course, there will be new people; the place will be in a new building. That's why they told you where they were moving....You're a regular; they won't forget about you. There is a frustration in my husband's voice as he tries to explain the change in the fish'n'chip restaurant to his mother. I think he is trying to keep his voice loud but not intimidating; he keeps looking at the girls as he speaks. I don't think they care but are worried about the tenor of his voice. Who knows but they don't excuse themselves from the table.
I don't want to go to a new place to eat fish'n'chips.
It's not a new place. It's the old place in a new location. My husband is trying very hard to be patient. When the children were little, he had endless patience with them and I am watching him struggle to have the same attitude with his mother and fail miserably. It is not that the matriarch doesn't understand what is going on--she knows the restaurant is only changing locations, but she doesn't like the idea of change, the role of newness or difference in any way. She shudders.
I don't want to go back there. Is there anywhere else to eat?
My husband thinks fast--faster than I would have.
There's a new place near the old fish'n'chip place. I hear it is pretty good.
You sure? It's a pity they're moving. They had nice waitresses. They always got my hot chocolate with my lunch.
I imagine the new place will be just as good. My husband is relieved, the children are impressed, and I think he has saved the day. The matriarch is satisfied. When she goes to bed, my husband says to me,
I think I am going to take her to a new restaurant; I am sick of fish'n'chips. May as well as make the most of the opportunity.
Change is so difficult for the old; routine is safe. But, goodness, is it boring.
The matriarch practically yelled the news at me at supper this evening. She shook her head, she raised her arms, she did not know what she was going to do.
My husband clarified the situation by indicating the shop was only moving up the road aways.
But, you never know who the new people will be...said in a hushed whisper. I could not believe how emotional the matriarch was over this sequence of events.
The place is not for sale. Its lease is up. They are moving.
What's that you say? The matriarch cannot hear my husband when she is upset. Truly, she cannot hear anybody. The world is silenced by events affecting her, alone.
The restaurant is moving. It is not for sale. My husband has spoken louder. For, generally a quiet kind of guy, he sounds a bit angry and the children are watching him. I am quiet because this has nothing to do with me. Nothing. And, the matriarch knows it. I don't go to the fish'n'chip place. She knows this without a doubt and I am free and clear from blame. Yes, I know there is no blame, no accusation, but it is a good feeling knowing I am uninvolved. Isn't that terrible? My husband is the scapegoat in this situation and I feel relief?
How do you know there aren't going to be new people?
Of course, there will be new people; the place will be in a new building. That's why they told you where they were moving....You're a regular; they won't forget about you. There is a frustration in my husband's voice as he tries to explain the change in the fish'n'chip restaurant to his mother. I think he is trying to keep his voice loud but not intimidating; he keeps looking at the girls as he speaks. I don't think they care but are worried about the tenor of his voice. Who knows but they don't excuse themselves from the table.
I don't want to go to a new place to eat fish'n'chips.
It's not a new place. It's the old place in a new location. My husband is trying very hard to be patient. When the children were little, he had endless patience with them and I am watching him struggle to have the same attitude with his mother and fail miserably. It is not that the matriarch doesn't understand what is going on--she knows the restaurant is only changing locations, but she doesn't like the idea of change, the role of newness or difference in any way. She shudders.
I don't want to go back there. Is there anywhere else to eat?
My husband thinks fast--faster than I would have.
There's a new place near the old fish'n'chip place. I hear it is pretty good.
You sure? It's a pity they're moving. They had nice waitresses. They always got my hot chocolate with my lunch.
I imagine the new place will be just as good. My husband is relieved, the children are impressed, and I think he has saved the day. The matriarch is satisfied. When she goes to bed, my husband says to me,
I think I am going to take her to a new restaurant; I am sick of fish'n'chips. May as well as make the most of the opportunity.
Change is so difficult for the old; routine is safe. But, goodness, is it boring.
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