Sleep

My mother-in-law has begun to sleep a lot, more than usual, and my husband is edgy.  I wonder if there is a connection between them that the children and I cannot reach.  Nothing has changed and, yet, all of us sense a difference.  I wonder if this is what it means to know death is coming.  Of course, I could be wrong.  But something has changed in the air of the house.

Thank you, it needs to be said

So, this is a horrible post: my mother-in-law does not use the word "thank you."  At first, I used to think it was her treatment of me and my family, but then I realized it was her.  And, it wasn't an age related thing.  It gets very easy to excuse certain behaviours with the adage "she is old."  Manners are a lifelong way of behaving; selfishness is a lifelong habit.  No one wants to say a very old woman is selfish or self-centred.  Sometimes it happens because a senior has been left too long to their own devices and forgets there is a wide world beyond their front door.  It can happen because family forgets to visit and a senior focuses solely on their own concerns and, often, it is an element of character.  I forget sometimes my mother-in-law has been an adult, a senior almost, since the day I was born and there is no excuse for her lack of manners.  I don't get mad and right now I am getting even.  Childish, eh!?  But, at her age, there is no way she is going to change.

On a tangential note: a woman, I know, recently had to go back to New Brunswick to deal with her mother who has severe dementia; there are other siblings, all residents of NB.  The mother had bedsores so badly infected they had to be operated upon; the siblings had allowed this to occur.  Now whatever flaws I may find in other people, in my mother-in-law, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. 

Shopping for Birthday Cards

There is a card store in a plaza not too far from our home and thinking of my eldest child's birthday this Saturday, I took my mother-in-law and my other children card shopping.  My mother-in-law wanted a thoughtful, pretty card; so for an hour and a bit, the children and I read cards aloud to her until we found the right one.  The sales ladies were extremely helpful; they stayed away.  I think they were uncomfortable with a blind customer.  Maybe they were afraid?  When I took her money from her envelope, a wallet is for identification purposes not money, I had to show her the twenty dollar bill and then tell her the change.  She is as quick as whip when it comes to her money and is always aware of what she has.  The sales lady was very patient as my mother-in-law slowly put the bills back into her envelope and the change into her change purse; then, I had to take my mother-in-law out to the car to wait while the children, extremely patient while she did her shopping, got the time to find their cards and little knick knacks. A quick trip to the card shoppe took almost 2 hours and I haven't got a clue how to make the time move faster.  It fills her day to go out for a bit and, while the weather is nice, it is only fair.

Lunch Out

Today, we ate out.  The thing about my healthy 98 year old mother-in-law is: she can eat.  Most seniors seem to slow down as they age.  I don't know why, but they do.  My mother-in-law is no different than my children and they eat a LOT.  At the Chinese buffet today, my elderly, tiny, skinny mother-in-law ate roast chicken, two helpings of ribs (I have mentioned she loves ribs), fried rice, cole slaw, fried chicken, coconut cream pie, rice crispy squares and macaroons.  Sometimes, it is a marvel to just to watch her.  She has no teeth but she gets it all down.  And, she follows it up with a cup of tea at the end of her meal.  When I think of why people live for a long time, I cannot help but look at her and think: they eat.  Her whole life is a matter of what to eat, when to eat and how to get what has been eaten out of the system.  Further, except for the forays out to restaurants, my mother-in-law eats really good food: nothing processed, not much meat and tons and tons of fruit, coated with sugar, and vegetables, dripping in butter.  I don't think it is a planned diet--more a continuation of how she has always eaten.  The children watch her eat and we pretty much eat the same diet with more meat and less sugar and butter.  I think the kids take her behaviour for granted and are surprised when they encounter other seniors who don't eat quite as much.  All of the children cook and they know their grandmother will eat anything they bake anytime of day.  She has favourites: peanut butter cookies, butter tarts, homemade ice cream; but, she turns nothing down if sugar is involved.  It does make her a pleasant house guest as she will eat anything if it comes with dessert.

Routine

The day begins...With cat duties and waking children and making breakfast.  My mother-in-law sleeps upstairs and comes down when she thinks everyone is up.  Sometimes, she is right and sometimes she is wrong; often, my husband and I will be having our morning chat and I will hear her slippers on the stairs and get up immediately to make her breakfast.  She is not that demanding but I do feel that obliging, and so does my husband.  If the children are awake, breakfast is done all at once with a family meal; if no one is awake, sometimes there can be three different serving times and it drives me crazy.  My friend thinks the stairs are too much for my mother-in-law--but, we have no bathroom on the main floor, or in the basement, and it was easy to give her our room and private bath.  My husband and I sleep in the basement in our own bed in a room that will be the family room one day.  After breakfast, the day begins; my mother-in-law pretty much sleeps till lunchtime and the children and I can do what we want.  I have to be home for lunch.  Afternoons are a gamble.  If the children and I are lucky, we spend the time in the yard, with friends, at the library, doing whatever we want.  If not, we can go batty trying to find things to occupy a semi-blind 98 year old.  Several times a week, I take my mother-in-law for a drive.  She loves to go for a drive.  She has always been governed by other people's willingness to take her places; when necessity demanded, she walked; ignorance prevented her reliance on public transit.
Every Wednesday, we do lunch and every Saturday, she does lunch with my husband.  And, every few months, the children, my parents, my mother-in-law, my husband and I go to dinner.  Things could be a tad expensive but she pays.  She figures meals out are the one thing she never, ever, did her whole life; so now, she is making up for lost time.  She goes through phases: months on end at Swiss Chalet, then weeks at the local fish and chip shop, then The Mandarin for Chinese.  Her preference for dinner is The Keg as she loves ribs (I know it is a steakhouse but she loves their ribs).  We don't eat out unless she is with us because we are all sick of it.  I am not even a good cook and the children would prefer to eat at home than go out, order in or "have a treat."
My mother-in-law goes to the spa to have a manicure and pedicure done every two weeks and once a month, she gets her hair styled at a very young, very chic salon.  Most of the staff are amazed she shows up so regularly, but they treat her like a queen.  And, to be fair, they get a lot of cache out of the knowledge their oldest customer is 98.  Since, she lost her sight, my mother-in-law can't crochet or play cards and they were her regular activities when she lived alone.  Having people make a fuss of her is her new form of socialization; don't ask me how many times she has gotten a free dessert simply for being really, really old.
Sundays are the worst days.  My mother-in-law won't go to a Church except for a spaghetti dinner; she hates the fact golf is the only thing on television; and she resents the fact, there is really nothing to do.  It's not like she does a lot during the week, but Sunday really seems to bug her.  It is the only day, she consistently listens to the children practise their music in the family room; every other day, she says she listens from her room.  The routine is limiting; God knows, sometimes it becomes really exasperating.  However, when she first moved in, my mother-in-law had a debate with my husband over Stephen Harper's friendship with Salvador Dali.  We didn't quite know what to make of it.  My husband didn't know what to be more surprised about: his mother's awareness of Stephen Harper or of Salvador Dali.  Anyhow, once she got settled into the routine, she became more lucid and quite clear in her thinking and when she has an opinion, now, she means it. 

The Health Situation

Originally, the idea was to blog sporadically: keep an update on living with the aged.  However, it has dawned on me that the constant worry of my mother-in-law dying would probably be a good thing to discuss.  It is a fear and inevitable reality.  The matriarch will die and she will die soon, be it this year or next.  But, then, not one of us knows our expiration date and we all have one.  It is an odd situation.  We make plans for lunch at The Mandarin on Wednesday, but none of the children wake her in the morning.  In case...
My mother-in-law's worse health concern is her blindness in one eye.  She had herpes of the eye this past spring and, to be extremely clear, it is a painful condition and I thought she would die of the pain.  At one point, she gave up eating and drinking and I practically had a nervous breakdown discussing the situation with a tele-health nurse.  To everyone's amazement, most of all the doctor's, my mother-in-law recovered her health but lost the sight in the right eye.  So, every morning and evening, there are drops to keep the eye moist and prevent calcium build-up.  Really, it is not that bad.
There is a more aesthetic health concern with my mother-in-law's teeth; she has none.  Eating with her can be an experience.  Worse, she loves corn and it is not pleasant.  But at 98, what, really, can the family suggest?  The middle child sits across from her and refuses to change places with any siblings; this way only one person has to appreciate Grandma's culinary appetites.  The mother-in-law also spits out food, usually into her hand, and then she puts the remnants onto her plate.  Sadly, this seems to be a familiar situation with the elderly; although, I think my mother-in-law has sensitive gums and is too proud to give up eating solids.  One forgets that even at 98, there is a self with an ego; if no one ages in their own thoughts, it must be horrible to be as old as she is and still feel, in her head, that she is only 17.

Here Goes....

Life with a 98 year old mother-in-law....Here is the story: there is a cat, 3 kids, 1 husband and the matriarch of the family living in one house.  I live here, too, but I can't decide quite what my role is--slave sounds so much more cynical than I feel but the word is apt.  More details: my mother-in-law had a menopause baby who grew up and fell in love with a woman 18 years his junior--that's me.  Family history (of which I am extremely proud): my mother-in-law is the youngest of 14 and there were 22 years between her and her oldest sister and 25 years between her and her oldest brother; this means my husband's Uncle, his direct blood-line Uncle, was born in 1888.  Think about it.  My husband's Grandfather, immigrant from Cornwall, came overseas in a ship that pre-dated the Titanic.  He was probably born around 1867, if not earlier.  My mother-in-law had brothers who fought in the Great War and were adults.  She also remembers the Depression like it was yesterday and the Electric Car the first time around.  This is a blog about living with someone who is old, not senile, not demented, not in poor health, just old.  And, this is a blog about living with an old person rather than warehousing them in an institution or a hospice or any other euphemistically named place to wait to die. At 98, my mother-in-law went to a spa for the first time; our family's philosophy is one is never too old to try something new...