Crazy Cats and Grandmothers

The matriarch loves the cat.  She does not pet him, she does not attempt to feed him but she talks to him like he's her bosom buddy.  After this morning's drive, I could hear her talking to the animal about her ride to Angus and the visit to the guitar store and how she was going to have a Werther's.  Pumpkin, the cat, an orange tabby, who was a wild farm cat, doesn't seem to mind the company.  He sits with the matriarch for hours on end while she talks to him; she sits in her Lazyboy and he stares at her from her bed.  I have watched them from the doorway and they both seem quite content.  I used to think the matriarch was lonely and wanted to talk to me but she seems to prefer the cat.  She stops talking if I ask her if I may join her.  That's okay.  As long as my mother-in-law is happy, I am too.

The Blind Side

The matriarch's eyes have been failing for awhile now; I may make jokes about the inconveniences of it all, but she has been able to see half-way. This morning, we discussed that she is almost, wholly blind. The matriarch brought the subject up, in a way. She was complaining about the way my husband set up her Christmas decorations; she cannot see to plug the lights in. My husband set it up so all the matriarch would have to do would be to press a button on a power cord and her little figurines would light up and the music would play and she could have her own winter wonderland. The matriarch cannot see the button; she, apparently, also cannot feel it. So, naturally, it was my husband's fault. The matriarch pulled out the power cord to use as an alternative power switch but could not see to plug it back in. I defended my husband and then told the matriarch she would only have to let me know and I would turn her lights on. But, I did mention to her I could not do things immediately. This brought two points to the fore: the matriarch cannot see and she demands immediate action. The sight issue is hurting her. The matriarch has often remarked that she would live with what she has but I don't think she ever really expected to go blind and I think it scares her. It scares me.

My Husband Does Lunch

My mother-in-law and her son went for lunch today.  They went shopping.  They sought Christmas decorations because my mother-in-law is going to add to the stock she already has.  They went to the hardware store because she was looking for something (I don't know what).  And, they came home where my husband, patient man that he is, had to pull out all her Christmas decorations and try to find a non-existent second box of  jolly stuff.  I think I might have thrown it out.  In the midst of this, my husband came upon a toaster oven.  "Did you know my mother had a toaster oven up there?"

Of course, I did not know.  That would be a fire hazard.  My husband moved her in, you would think he might have noticed.  You would think I would have noticed after a year of cleaning her room; but, then, it is her room and I don't pry into closed cupboards or drawers.  It is her room, large enough to have a bedroom suite, a couple of lazy boy chairs (both bought new when the matriarch moved in), a television set and her own en suite.  It is her room and as much as I do for her, I can't forget she is another person with her own privacy and her own wants and likes.  I feel like an invader when I have to clean.  Of course, I did not know she had a toaster oven but the whole secret cheese pounds suddenly make sense.  My husband has had to tell his mother that she can't use the toaster oven in the bedroom, that she is not to keep bread and cheese hidden away and, if she wants anything, she is to let me know and I will get it for her.  I wanted to say, "Thank you very much."  He just added more to my work load, but, honestly, where does such a tiny woman put away all this food?  The matriarch told my husband she does not use the toaster oven but keeps it just in case...Just in case of what? 

I keep thinking about that 111 year old veteran.  It is not beyond the realm of possibility of my mother-in-law making, yet another, move.  Can you imagine: she could outlive us all.  And, I am not being facetious.  There is nothing we could do if she wanted to move...I hate this powerless feeling.

This is NOT a rant.....

Swiss Chalet is the matriarch's favourite restaurant.  The staff at the Barrie Mapleview restaurant are, without exception, incredible; they treat my mother-in-law like a Queen, celebrate her birthday with her, know her favourite meals and are probably the nicest group of people around.  If they were the standard, I could name a few stores I have dealt with lately that don't even come close to remotely acceptable behaviour.  I am allowed to complain about the matriarch; I am with her 24/7 and for the all the nonsense I know for a 98 year old lady she is incredible.  However, a cashier yawned in the matriarch's face today; it doesn't matter she couldn't see her, it was rude.  At another store, the cashier got bothered because my mother-in-law had to search through her purse for her envelope of money to pay for her Poppycock Sweets; the woman kept making asides to the bag boy and he was embarrassed.  Lastly, and I phoned to complain about this, my mother-in-law was refused service because she was very old and someone didn't want to deal with her.  All of these behaviours are unacceptable.  All of them were wrong and annoying.  And, I deeply resent people who fail to recognize that we all become seniors and we are all people worthy of polite consideration.  Not everyone has to be friendly, but all people in customer service, whatever kind, should be polite.  I know my mother-in-law is not the easiest person to deal with but there is no excuse for failing to recognize that this person before you has lived for a very long time and is entitled to some respect.  Aargh!  It was a very long day, and we weren't shopping for that long, but I swear we met every inconsiderate and rude person going today. 

Why Do I Argue???

My mother-in-law closed all the windows in her room, yesterday, because it was too sunny; it wasn't, we have had non-stop rain.  So, naturally, because I am an idiot, I disagreed with her, said it wasn't sunny and she became annoyed.  Why do I do such things?  Does it matter all that much?  Is it so important for me to be right?  She felt warmth on her face and closed the shutters because she thought it was too hot.  It's November, it was evening, it wasn't sunny.  I wonder why it matters to me so much...The matriarch also lied in a phone call to her sister-in-law about my house being decorated for Christmas; she said I had it lovely with lights and tree cut and decorated.  It's not.  It's still November.  I don't decorate till December; and I can't help but connect the two situations and wonder if my mother-in-law is trying to make the world over in her image, her wants.  I asked her if she really thought the house was decorated or was fibbing for a reason.  She looked at me and said, "It will be nice when it's done..."

Was that a dig at me?  I don't know.  The matriarch has asked me to take her to visit her husband's grave, my husband's father's.  Her sister-in-law went last Sunday; we go next Sunday.  She has never requested before that my husband or I take her to see the grave site.  I hate to think she is so easily influenced by her sister-in-law.  The sister-in-law also has her house already decorated; the woman has no children, is retired and has time on her hands.  Of course, the matriarch wonders why she doesn't come to see her and take for lunch (that's my dig).  It's sad to think, at her age, she is still so dissatisfied with a life she has chosen to live.  She told the sister-in-law she had her room lovely with Christmas lights and, it will look lovely, when she does decorate it.  But, she hasn't decorated, yet, and she hasn't even asked my husband to get her decorations out of the attic.  I wonder if we ever stop lying about the type of people we are verses the people we want to be.  It makes for confusion: is it the dementia talking or is the woman conscious of what she is saying? 

Time to count the minutes

My mother-in-law got it into her head that my husband wanted a pocket watch.  That idea, in and of itself, is true.  My husband has always preferred a pocket watch to a wrist watch and he broke his last pocket watch a few years ago.  My father-in-law worked for the railway and had an extremely elaborate time piece for the railway per their instructions; he has been dead for almost thirty years and my husband keeps that pocket watch in a safe deposit box.  Somehow, my mother-in-law conflated the two and asked my father to find a jeweler to make my husband a pocket watch for a thousand dollars.  Just to be on the safe side, my father checked with me.  I nearly had a heart attack: a thousand dollars for a watch!?  I don't think so.  But, then, I am prone to jump the gun on things; I double checked with my husband and...he nearly had a heart attack.  His first thought was if his mother wants to give him a thousand dollar watch, he'd prefer the cash.  So, today, in the midst of our drive about town, I asked my mother-in-law about said pocket watch.  At no point in the conversation did she mention she had spoken to my father, but she did allude to a watch she had seen at a garage sale for fifteen cents.  I don't know where this thousand dollar idea came from but, as of this writing, I think the matriarch hopes to buy my husband a watch at Zellers and that is fine.  I mentioned to my husband that maybe I should bring his mother to the doctor to change the medication on her dementia pills; there are degrees to dementia and medication to help with each level.  The matriarch's progression is slow but, maybe, it is time for an up-date.  I don't want her getting confused about something else and not catching it in time.

Babysitting and the 100 year old Woman

My oldest child is 14 but it is very rare I leave all three children alone in the house with my mother-in-law; it's not that I don't think she can't manage them, they are very good children, but I don't want them to worry about her dying.  It is not a nice thought.  But I don't want my children to be the ones to find the matriarch deceased.  It is a very real possibility and I don't want it to happen.  I also don't want my husband to find his mother dead; I don't want it to be me, either, but the reality is better me than anyone else.  So, I don't get out much and my husband and I very rarely get out together; my parents can cover but, then, the matriarch is aware and wonders why I don't leave the children with her.  And, that is an awkward conversation....

I went to the movies last night with some friends and my parents took the children to their evening activities and brought them home.  My mother-in-law wasn't happy.  She knows, for some reason, I won't leave the children alone with her at night.  I don't think it has occurred to her that she could die and that might not be pleasant for the children.  We anticipate dying but people don't actually think of the mechanics of their death; it can be a bit gross.  When I pre-paid for the mother-in-law's funeral last year, I realize I may have been jumping the gun, the lady I dealt with told me what to expect.  Most seniors my mother-in-law's age die in their sleep; it is a pleasant way to die but the body empties out and there is a smell and a person who has died in their sleep can mean the blood drains to the back and their colour is strange. We are not to call 911 if the matriarch dies; we are to call the police, they will call the coroner and the funeral home.  It is not an emergency.  I feel so prepared and, yet, I don't think the matriarch is going to die soon.  I mean she could, but I don't think she will, but I live as though she might.  Hence, no babysitting.  And, as a result of all this preparedness, I try very hard never to leave the children alone with the matriarch for extended periods of time.  It can be very draining...

When I heard the last Canadian veteran of the first World War was still alive at 111, I nearly cried; I don't want to live this way for another 13 years.  My husband and I may not get out again together till I am in my fifties!!  But, then, I think it's not so bad; it could be worse.  Everything could be worse.  If this is the way life is to be, I can still look in the mirror and not feel so badly.  My children are learning compassion and patience.  They will be decent people; of that, I am assured.  That makes it worthwhile.  Plus, my husband and I like each other; stress like this kills relationships and you either laugh or cry but struggle to endure.  Struggling together is a rare adventure people appreciate; if I have to do this, I am glad I have to do it with him.  Now, I need to end this on a happy note.  For all my talk of not leaving the children with the mother-in-law, I am about to sneak out to get milk before the children get up.  The matriarch has had breakfast and my husband is sleeping, so, technically, the children are not alone; I'll nip out and get the milk and not tell the matriarch.  I know she'd want to come with me because she is out of potato chips and Werther's caramels and, yesterday, when I took her for her drive, she wanted to pick up some chocolate bars....I don't think anyone believes me about the sugar...until they see her eat!

Ageing Gracefully ?

Lately, I have noticed the Matriarch doesn't spit out food all the time.  She didn't spit anything out at the wedding or when my parents took her for lunch; but, she has been gangbusters for it at lunch and dinner today.  I suggested to my husband that, maybe, she spits food out as retaliation; the weekend was lovely and busy and today, we're back in routine and the mother-in-law is not happy.  Obviously, this isn't an age thing; I mean it is but it is also a symptom of petulance.  The matriarch spent the entire day in her room; refused to come down for tea and muffins this evening and didn't want them brought to her room.  She did have her chocolates, her strawberries and the tea my husband brought to her after dinner but nothing else (unless there is more mystery cheese hidden about!).  I don't know.  I keep hoping a flash of maturity will suddenly hit.  My husband laughs and says to me, "If it hasn't happened yet, why are you eternally hopeful?"

Sometimes, I wonder what I will be like when I am old...I think I'd rather be dead than age in a world that has forgotten about me.  My mother-in-law sits in her room and does nothing unless asked.  I mean she is always willing to go shopping or for a drive or do lunch--without question, she will always do lunch.  But she will not incite or ask to do something; she doesn't even have to ask, she never seems to want to do anything.  It is as though the matriarch wants to be constantly invited back into the world.  That makes it tedious.  One is never sure of what the matriarch does want; she has the right to say "No" and has used it.  I think that is why she spits out food; she is not a rude woman and she must know I have to clean it up; so, I think maybe she is doing it on purpose and she does it when she is annoyed.  But, I can't dance attendance on her.  No one can.  If she was in a home, it would be no different.  Nurses and nursing assistants aren't paid to do lunch everyday and my mother-in-law, believe it or not, really doesn't like old people.  For some reason, she doesn't view herself as old; I don't understand it either but for the fact I look in the mirror and see myself as I was at 17 with all the anxieties and the immaturity.  Oh well.  I am off to read "Delphi Keep" to the children; the matriarch has shut the door because she doesn't like this book.  The next one will have to be another vampire story or a romance, maybe a spy thriller....

The Wedding....

It was a beautiful event for my friend; she looked beautiful and she and the groom are off to a Happy start.  The matriarch had a great time; though, I didn't have time to get her a new dress, I did get her hair done and she went to the spa for her manicure and pedicure.  It was a Catholic Wedding and the kneeling, standing and sitting nearly killed her; my husband told his mother she didn't have to participate, she could just sit and watch, but I don't know what got into my mother-in-law.  It was as if she was out to prove something at the Wedding.  She participated fully in the Mass; my parents took her out for lunch (1/4 chicken dinner and coconut cream pie); she came to the reception (appetizers, dinner, dessert, Wedding Cake) and stayed awake the whole day.  Even the children couldn't believe their Grandma...She didn't sleep the hour drive home and ate fruit and chocolate before she went to bed.  I think she had a good time and the matriarch thought the bride looked lovely.  My husband and I were able to dance together and the children were able to run around and have fun and people came over to the matriarch and told her how wonderful she was 98.  It was a lovely day.

Weddings and Dresses

This weekend, we go to my friend's wedding.  The children are in the wedding party and I am the maid of honour and my mother-in-law told the hair dresser yesterday she wanted a new dress.  I did not know.  She told my husband last night.  The matriarch told my husband in a curious way: she wondered why I didn't take her dress shopping to buy a new dress.  This wedding has been a bit of an odd situation; everyone is over 40 and it is a first marriage and there is very little direction and I, honestly, didn't even think about taking my mother-in-law out to get a new dress.  She has been invited because she lives with us and my friend is doing me a favour; my husband couldn't come if his mother hadn't been invited.  We can't leave her alone for extended periods of time.  Anyhow, the matriarch did not tell me she wanted a new dress and, now, I feel awful.  But to make matters worse, what can I do?  Money is an odd issue--the matriarch wants a new dress in the $5.00 range.  I guess it is part of the mild dementia but I don't know where to get a $5.00 dress--even the dresses at Goodwill are beyond that price.  So, the matriarch is wearing a royal blue and black outfit which is really quite nice but not new.  And, she keeps making digs about how the dress is not new.  I can take her shopping on Friday after the hairdressers for the children and barbers for my husband; but, right now, it seems no matter what I try to do I fail someone.  Plus, and this is like the cherry on the sundae, my mother-in-law is going on about her sight again.  It's not going to change, she reminds me, and I am left to agree with her.  It's not going to change and there is not a thing the doctor can do; so, if she did get a new dress, she would be relying on my opinion and it would be a set up.  There is no pleasing her.  I can't imagine what she wants because I can't make her see again, I can't choose a dress I know for sure she will like, I know this wedding is going to take a lot out of her and I can almost guarantee she is not going to enjoy it ( the food will be too tough, the desserts won't be enough, she won't like the music...) and I feel sometimes I try so hard only to disappoint.

Santa in the city and my Mother-in-law at home

Every year, I take the children to the Toronto Santa Claus Parade and it's a great time.  They are getting a little too old and I don't think they really believe in Santa anymore but it is a tradition.  And, it is a tradition I have kept up for my children since my oldest was born.  I know they come more to keep me company than to actually see the parade but I think it is important.  Maybe it's not but, right now, I still like doing it.  I'll probably go for as long as there is a parade--I love the Santa Claus parade.  Who knows how long the children will come with me...my husband used to come when we were dating...anyhow, my mother-in-law can't come.  The walk is too much, the distance to Toronto too far...boy, was she angry.  My husband kept her company while we were gone but he didn't take her for a drive and didn't take her for lunch--he did yesterday, but not today.  So, the matriarch has been sitting up in her room fuming and fuming at me in particular.  When we came home, I ordered pizza for the children's dinner and made my mother-in-law : potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots and turnip, leftover roast and gravy.  It was liked I slapped her in the face--she didn't get to go out and she didn't get to eat out and she wasn't happy.  She waited till the dinner was hot and on the table and then told me she wasn't hungry and wasn't eating; the matriarch did have room for dessert, however.  I understand the matriarch was royally peeved but the whole family's life can't stop just because she is too old old to participate.  She wasn't left alone and she wasn't left hungry.  But boy oh boy was she mad....and now she's off to bed an hour earlier than usual!

Saturday Night Dinner and an Evil Genius

My youngest child is my husband's nemesis.  Tonight, while trying to sort out, yet again, who was doing the dishes, the kid began to sing at the table "I'm an evil genius.  I'm an evil genius." 
And, avoided doing dishes by exasperating my husband.  His mother shook her head but stayed downstairs to watch or listen to the children's antics.  Sometimes, they drive my husband crazy...and, as much as he thinks he has control, my husband has no say in whatever is going on in the house. I begin to think power, in any sense, is a delusion when it comes to the young and the old.

My mother-in-law was furious at me today; the water heater went and the smaller car went and I had to take the van for my children's basketball and swimming.  No lunch out for her. The matriarch ignored my husband all morning and, when the children and I returned home, she ignored us, too.  You would think at 98 it wouldn't matter so much.  But, she counts on those Saturday luncheons and events were unavoidable.  Oh well.  I don't care.  She stayed downstairs with us after dinner and, I like to think, enjoyed our company.

The Case of the Found Cheese

My mother-in-law gave me a pound of old style cheddar cheese today.  I said, being the sort of person I am,
"Where did you get the cheese?"
"Well, you know..."
No, I don't know.  The matriarch no longer comes shopping with me unless she is short on chips or caramels.  So, I haven't a clue where she got this pound of cheese.  I have talked to her about having food in her room; there have been requests to not keep fruit beyond its mouldy date.  I thought everything was quite clear.  But, the mother-in-law told me she had eaten the first pound of cheese, didn't really like it and was giving me the second.  I have visions of this tiny, old lady sticking pounds of cheese in her rather large handbag as we wandered through a grocery store.

My husband is no help in this matter.
"What are you worried about?"
I don't know--bugs, smells, rotting food.  It scares me she ate a pound of cheese without me knowing.  For God's sake, we live in the same house!  I clean her washroom and vacuum her room.  I want my husband to go through her room and check for hidden food; she can have it, I don't care, but I want to be able to throw it out before it hits the decomposition due date.  Even my children think it's a little bit of an odd habit; they don't want the possible smell.  This is one of those weird arguments partners have: find out if your Mom is hiding food in her room.  My husband doesn't think it's a big deal; I, of course, think it is.  But, it is his mother.  Where did she get the cheese???

Spanish Flu

Well, the matriarch was alive during the Spanish Flu; she remembers Dresden, a small town in Southwestern Ontario, being put into quarantine.  Her family ran a farm near Christina, Ontario and they brought produce into Dresden; they stopped at the barricades, pushed food under the barriers and waited while someone got a new list of wanted items.  No one touched hands and no money was exchanged.  My mother-in-law remembers peering under the fence to look at the people who couldn't leave the town.  She doesn't remember how many times they went into town in this manner but she does have a distinct recollection of at least one visit.  Strange to think N1H1 doesn't scare her; she's probably had it already; but, the paranoia that is developing around the 'flu does threaten her.

My mother-in-law cannot go to her Doctor's; she doesn't need to see him, doesn't need a blood test or anything, but the fact she cannot visit her Doctor deeply worries her.  What if she got sick?  As two of my children are already in bed with colds, I understand her worry.  But, what?  Unless, the 'flu is really bad, there isn't much to be done; the situation is much better than 1918: better sanitation, indoor plumbing, central heating.  Strange how things I take for granted can make a world of difference to someone else.  The mother-in-law has been up in her room most of the day; I think she is trying to stay away from the children and not share their colds.  I don't know if it will help.  Colds and 'flues sound so threatening now--what with line-ups, fears, privileging of sports teams...Unless, the cold or 'flu is bad, it is still just a cold or 'flu; we can't get vaccinated, yet, and Doctors' offices are nightmares.  I guess staying in bed is the best thing.  I wonder if the matriarch will stay upstairs tomorrow, too?

Bridal Shower

On Sunday, my mother, the mother-in-law, my children and I went to a bridal shower.  The old lady was in her element: people made a fuss, she was a star because she had a history with 3 marriages; and no one would believe she got divorced 5 years ago.  Plus, while she didn't eat the lunch, she got right in there with the desserts; sometimes, I feel people don't believe me about the amount she eats, then they see her eat and change their minds.  My friend's grandmother lives with her parents, she's only 96, and she, too, eats sugar like it is going out of style.  I begin to think a healthy heart is maintained in old age by an ever increasing amount of sugar.