So, here's the thing...the matriarch did not want to go to the spa this month. Not a big deal, I thought to myself, then I walked in on her cutting her own nails while sitting in her rocking chair. And, I looked at her and thought a number of things but said, aloud, "Don't you think we should take a visit for a manicure?"
"Nah, it costs too much..."
"But you can't cut your own nails."
"I do well enough." I guess so if one doesn't mind jagged, pointed, half-cut, knives at the end of one's fingers. The spa, for a once a month treatment, including pedicure, is not that expensive. It's a nice place; the people who run it are a Chinese family who make a big deal out of the matriarch's visits and usually give her a discount. Everything is done properly and the ladies usually paint flowers on the matriarch's nails. It is quite nice. I don't know what has gotten into the matriarch that she doesn't want to visit. For a side comment, I am not going to participate in my mother-in-law's grooming and she doesn't want me to do as much. But, we are back to the reality that my mother-in-law doesn't want to go to the spa.
It is her choice.
As much as I want the woman to go to the spa, I cannot force her; I can conjole, encourage, suggest but I cannot make her go if she does not want to go. And, this is the problem, if that's what one wants to call it, of aging. Do we ever admit that we are incapable of making choices on our own? Can one just make a decision for another person despite their wishes?
I am just talking about a spa and the matriarch doesn't have any money per se, but the same principles apply to parents who lend money to irresponsible children or who refuse to admit a house may be too big for them or a situation unacceptable. I know in my mirror I see myself and sometimes I cannot believe I am 42; I imagine the matriarch must half-look in the mirror and wonder, disbelievingly, that she will be 100 this year. I cannot imagine what she thinks. But I do know she can do whatever she wants...if she wanted to leave neither my husband or I could stop her, if she wanted to get married again, she could. And, while you may think, that such things would never happen, this is a woman who got married post 85 and then divorced 6 years later.
There are these conflicts in my mind; I know there are older people who are just fine, I also know there are older people who aren't but the problem exists with the older people who think they are fine, but are not. Do we ever admit we need assistance? And, does needing assistance mean relinquishing independence? And, then, which is what I struggle with most of all, does providing assistance automatically mean the assistant is supposed to be on call 24/7? It is all so confusing and there is no set rule for a general practice. I am not supposed to resent the matriarch but I absolutely do when she just expects certain things until she doesn't and then gets mad at me for not knowing. The key, of course being, how do I know if she doesn't tell me? What obligations are there, in old age, to tell people what one wants and needs as opposed to expecting them to know? And, the crux of the problem, I think, are these questions really connected to old age or are they hold overs from the characters we develop when we are younger?
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I used to think vain people would carelessly go to any extreme to save face. Now I know they are not careless, just self absorbed. I used to think they, to achieve their goals, would sacrifice their lives and the lives of their children. But now I think they do not consider anyone at these times. So I now think they cannot be faulted for being ignorant. I used to think them capable of ignoring dangers to themselves and their loved ones, again just to prove a point; but now I see them as needy obsessive people not capable of putting others first, except when they also share in the limelight. That they would put others in peril, just so they could personally boost about some accomplishment, was vexing, I thought. But on re-examining this opinion, I can now understand their compulsive needs. That they could ignore their duty and responsibility over and over again, may have been abhorrent to me, but now I know these people are who they are and cannot change and so exist only when they shine in the eyes of strangers.
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