St. Jacobs is a little town near Kitchener-Waterloo in Southwestern Ontario; it is in Mennonite country and there all kinds of farms selling their wares on market day. It is about an hour and a half from here but it may as well be a million miles....
My mother-in-law cannot stay on her own for an extended time; it's been that way for years but this year, it seems especially difficult. My oldest daughter went to Italy for her sixteenth birthday; my younger daughters participated in a sailing camp run by the city of Barrie; we always try to get the girls some time away from here. My husband and I have not had a holiday in 3 years; 6 years, if one counts whole family holidays--either my husband or I must always stay with the matriarch...really, it's been a long time. It certainly feels that way.
The matriarch wants to come for the drive to St. Jacobs. That's okay but neither my husband or I want to drive to St. Jacob's, have lunch and come home; we want a day of it. My mother-in-law cannot walk for extended periods of time--she just wants the drive and a meal; we, obviously, want more. In fact, we'd rather skip the meal and bring a picnic. So, the idea has been to find someone to stay with the matriarch.
The sister-in-law has said she won't do it; the matriarch is too hard a guest. My mother-in-law does not want to go to my parents' house; she doesn't want a stranger staying with her. Her nieces can do some time but the matriarch doesn't realize she cannot be left alone. Why not? She wanders about the house and has turned things on and off, sometimes just on; it is not pleasant to realize she cannot be trusted. But it also means we are limited in what we can do as a family. It is also sad to say one gets in the habit of not doing anything; my husband, in particular, is having a hard time of it because he has always been the one to stay with his mother. I think he has only begun to realize how little time he has had out with his daughters. I wonder about our sense of duty---is there ever a reverse sense of obligation? For example, should a senior ever have to compromise on their desires? Am I being unreasonable?
My friend's mother is 94; the woman is incredible but my friend says for all her health, the woman is still her mother and can still drive her crazy. Age is irrelevant in the greater scheme of things. The same can be said about the matriarch; despite it all, the woman is my mother-in-law first then a very old woman; hence, I have these resentful feelings and the incredible guilt. Tomorrow, we have a corn roast in town and the only anticipation I have is the sweet relief of not having to go to Swiss Chalet; and, sadly, I feel a terrible guilt. My daughters don't want their grandmother to go to the corn roast; I'm bringing a knife to cut the cobs of corn but it is still not pretty with a toothless granny eating. Can you believe I would rather clean up at the corn roast than go to a restaurant? There is something wrong with priorities, here. My friend says you do what you can and hope for the best...
My husband says to wait till September or October for the trip to St. Jacobs; life may change. I doubt it. It is also a dreadful kind of thinking....
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It is a pity there are people who are not far-sighted enough to know what the benefits there are to be had in of having close family ties. They live in the moment and don't look ahead to see what the future holds for them. They, unfortunately, later realise there are repercussions when they discourages close family ties with both sides of their families. Husbands and wives who isolate their families, for whatever the reasons, prevent their loved ones from reaping the benefits found in having close family ties. Unfortunately, they usually dominate their children's lives too, and so , when they are old, are at the mercy of their adult children.
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