Sometimes nothing changes and we go on day after day. I don't know what I expect; I hate this sort of waiting and, yet, I don't want anything to change.
My husband made my mother-in-law corn-on-the-cob for supper; he cut the kernels off the cob and served it in a bowl. There was lots of butter and salt on it. And, it looked really good; she didn't eat it. He doesn't like to admit his mother refuses to eat like a senior or an old person; I always serve corn on the cob on a plate and wait till she asks me to cut the kernels off. Sometimes, she tries to do it herself and it is a mess. I am a servant. I clean it all up. It could be a power thing. I don't know.
When the children were little, I just knew what they wanted. Call it maternal telepathy. Now, I have daughter-in-law telepathy; though, of course, there are times I am wrong and my husband so enjoys those moments--rare, though, they are. But, to be clear, when I am wrong it is always in public and the children are around. Sometimes, I think the matriarch is competing for attention. I have been told to treat the matriarch like a recalcitrant two year old..only one with adult opinions and wants. Life just drives me crazy.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Indestructible and Independent
Well, my mother-in-law seems fine. The fall didn't do anything but shake her up-a bit.
There is a reality with my mother-in-law I have to confront and some people do not understand: my mother-in-law is 98, she has minor dementia--she is not incapable of independent decisions. The little things I may complain about are the habits she has developed over the course of her ninety-eight years. Some of them would be annoying whatever her age and some of them are a consequence of choices she has made. For example, my mother-in-law has no teeth; she chose to have them pulled out when she was in her late seventies. I haven't a clue why she chose to have them pulled out but I do know she hates spitting food out, resents the fact nothing is tender enough for her and will not admit she can not eat solid food comfortably. I think a ninety-eight year old woman still has an ego and she might regret having removed her teeth; I don't know. But it is not like I can feed her soft foods like oatmeal and soup all the time--she doesn't like it. This morning I asked the matriarch if she would like oatmeal; it is a winter breakfast; she was having none of it. Old people are old but still people and I think it is arrogant for me to think I can just arrange her life so she can be more comfortable. My mother-in-law knows I could do that. The most difficult thing to cope with is the paradox of the situation: the matriarch wants to be more comfortable but she doesn't want to lose her independence and the right to make choices. Maybe that is at the heart of her decision to come here; things are never so one-sided; my mother-in-law has not given up the right to have an opinion, to change her mind, to comment on the food, to want to go out, to eat the kind of food she likes; to still have dreams to go to Alaska....
There is a reality with my mother-in-law I have to confront and some people do not understand: my mother-in-law is 98, she has minor dementia--she is not incapable of independent decisions. The little things I may complain about are the habits she has developed over the course of her ninety-eight years. Some of them would be annoying whatever her age and some of them are a consequence of choices she has made. For example, my mother-in-law has no teeth; she chose to have them pulled out when she was in her late seventies. I haven't a clue why she chose to have them pulled out but I do know she hates spitting food out, resents the fact nothing is tender enough for her and will not admit she can not eat solid food comfortably. I think a ninety-eight year old woman still has an ego and she might regret having removed her teeth; I don't know. But it is not like I can feed her soft foods like oatmeal and soup all the time--she doesn't like it. This morning I asked the matriarch if she would like oatmeal; it is a winter breakfast; she was having none of it. Old people are old but still people and I think it is arrogant for me to think I can just arrange her life so she can be more comfortable. My mother-in-law knows I could do that. The most difficult thing to cope with is the paradox of the situation: the matriarch wants to be more comfortable but she doesn't want to lose her independence and the right to make choices. Maybe that is at the heart of her decision to come here; things are never so one-sided; my mother-in-law has not given up the right to have an opinion, to change her mind, to comment on the food, to want to go out, to eat the kind of food she likes; to still have dreams to go to Alaska....
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Fall
My mother-in-law fell today. She did not fall down the house stairs or the porch but lost her balance trying to get in the van. The matriarch landed on her backside, rolled herself over and got up without help. I was panicked and she refused my help. There was no blood, no bruises, and she still wanted to go for her drive. So, I took her. All day, I have been consumed with guilt; I should have parked the van better; I should hold her arm when she walks; I should make sure there is nothing, ever, in her way. There are all these things I should be doing better and I am so scared. Right now, she is up in her room watching Jeopardy per usual and I think I am annoying her with the constant checking. My husband wants to know what I am looking for...If the shock was too much, she dies; if the shock was not, she lives; if it's time for her to die, she will. I think he's a bit callous considering this woman is his mother; but, he is also very realistic, it was only a fall, not a broken bone, not a sprain, not a dizzy spell, not one of any number of things that people, not just seniors, face everyday.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Meaning of Life
The proper caramels are in the bowl and the matriarch is well and happy with life.
The afternoon was spent in search of the right kind of cheesies; like the caramels, I didn't think junk food was such a big deal. Apparently, it is. Today, we bought chips, cheesies, 4 packs of caramels and toothpaste. It would be ironic except it is 100 per cent true. Further, an hour was spent in the grocery store trying to find the right bag of cheesies. I have never really thought of myself as patient but going through shelf after shelf, product after product, in search of just the right kind of cheesie was an effort in self-control. For those who care, and I fear not many, there are not that many kinds of cheesies: four in our local store. But, the matriarch wanted to know what else was available as she sought her most desired, most wanted junk food. It is at times like these, I think to myself, my mother-in-law is blind: lie. Once, I got into a debate with her over the directions to a store. I was driving; her instructions were, and I quote, "Drive this way and then go that way." Not turn right or left, not follow a particular direction, not give me the name of the store. And, I, like the idiot I truly can be, argued with her as if she could see what I was doing. There are advantages to my mother-in-law being half-blind; one would think I would use them.
The afternoon was spent in search of the right kind of cheesies; like the caramels, I didn't think junk food was such a big deal. Apparently, it is. Today, we bought chips, cheesies, 4 packs of caramels and toothpaste. It would be ironic except it is 100 per cent true. Further, an hour was spent in the grocery store trying to find the right bag of cheesies. I have never really thought of myself as patient but going through shelf after shelf, product after product, in search of just the right kind of cheesie was an effort in self-control. For those who care, and I fear not many, there are not that many kinds of cheesies: four in our local store. But, the matriarch wanted to know what else was available as she sought her most desired, most wanted junk food. It is at times like these, I think to myself, my mother-in-law is blind: lie. Once, I got into a debate with her over the directions to a store. I was driving; her instructions were, and I quote, "Drive this way and then go that way." Not turn right or left, not follow a particular direction, not give me the name of the store. And, I, like the idiot I truly can be, argued with her as if she could see what I was doing. There are advantages to my mother-in-law being half-blind; one would think I would use them.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Three Little Issues
My child woke up a vomiting volcano this morning; it was messy, it was inconvenient, it was a distraction. My mother-in-law followed me around asking how the child in question was? Had the child stopped vomiting? When was breakfast? Unfortunately, I am one of those mothers who gets really, really angry if someone gets between me and my children in a time of need; sometimes, even in a crisis, I need to just open my mouth and insert my foot before words escape. They can never be retracted.
We, my mother-in-law and I, went to the grocery store today in search of Werthers' Caramels; the company makes round hard candies, round hard candies with caramel in their centres and rectangular caramels. I honestly didn't think such a difference was important and bought the wrong caramels. My poor mother-in-law spent the better part of the afternoon wondering why the grocery store no longer sold the caramels she wanted; I had to explain three times the store still sold her caramels but I had bought the wrong ones. Worse, I couldn't go back and buy the right ones; see above. The guilt for such a silly mistake has been overwhelming.
This final issue is more of a child verses Grandma issue and I want to side with Grandma and cannot. We are currently reading a really stupid novel, "The Book of Three." Just for starters, there is a quest for an oracle pig within the plot. I am falling asleep reading this book aloud to my children. For some strange reason which I honestly cannot fathom, my youngest child loves the book. Grandma, on the other hand, does not and is now closing her door when I read. She has asked my youngest to choose another book, any book, and the child refuses. The matriarch has asked me to intervene and, though, I want to agree, this is one of those"we always finish what we start" moments. It is that important to my youngest. So, now I have to read aloud to the children during the day trying to get the book finished out of my mother-in-law's earshot. So, I spend more time with the silly book than ever...no good deed ever goes unpunished.
We, my mother-in-law and I, went to the grocery store today in search of Werthers' Caramels; the company makes round hard candies, round hard candies with caramel in their centres and rectangular caramels. I honestly didn't think such a difference was important and bought the wrong caramels. My poor mother-in-law spent the better part of the afternoon wondering why the grocery store no longer sold the caramels she wanted; I had to explain three times the store still sold her caramels but I had bought the wrong ones. Worse, I couldn't go back and buy the right ones; see above. The guilt for such a silly mistake has been overwhelming.
This final issue is more of a child verses Grandma issue and I want to side with Grandma and cannot. We are currently reading a really stupid novel, "The Book of Three." Just for starters, there is a quest for an oracle pig within the plot. I am falling asleep reading this book aloud to my children. For some strange reason which I honestly cannot fathom, my youngest child loves the book. Grandma, on the other hand, does not and is now closing her door when I read. She has asked my youngest to choose another book, any book, and the child refuses. The matriarch has asked me to intervene and, though, I want to agree, this is one of those"we always finish what we start" moments. It is that important to my youngest. So, now I have to read aloud to the children during the day trying to get the book finished out of my mother-in-law's earshot. So, I spend more time with the silly book than ever...no good deed ever goes unpunished.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
How to Share, or Thanks but no Thanks, but I'll Eat it Anyhow
We took my mother-in-law over to my parents' house this afternoon. Now, my parents are seniors, too, but about 30 years younger than my mother-in-law or 5 years older than my husband or...well, you get the picture. My mother is the kind of person to put on a spread: fruit, crackers, cheese, muffins and tea. My mother offered the matriarch a muffin and a cup of tea; so far, no problem. But, because my mother knows my mother-in-law is half blind and has no teeth, she cut the muffin up into bits and buttered each of them. It really wasn't necessary but on the whole, helpful. While this was arguably beneficial, the matriarch hates being reminded that she is incapable of certain methods of eating. She may need to eat like a three year old but do not tell her she eats like a three year old. I am not being disrespectful; it is her reality and she hates it. To say, the matriarch resented the cut up muffin all the way home is an understatement; however, her anger did not prevent her from eating and enjoying the muffin. This sort of situation illustrates the paradox with which my husband and I live. And, to which I struggle to accommodate with the meals I cook. It also illustrates the frustration my mother-in-law feels.
I keep thinking a person never really gets used to being old; in the mind, one is always that seventeen year old on the verge of doing great things. My mother-in-law still makes plans, has hopes, and she dreams. The matriarch dreams a lot; she has plans for Christmas, she still wishes she could go to Alaska, she would like to fall in love again. I don't know what I figured my mother-in-law would be like when she came here; previously, she had only been ill when she had needed to be here. It was a pain but we could handle it. But the longer, she is here, the more I realize that whole 'life' she had on her own, that 'life' that went on when I didn't take her to the doctor's or shopping or out to lunch, was a very important part of her identity--even if it was a life restricted to her own house. It was her house and her garden and her kitchen. She sits, now, in her room because it is her private space, her place. Maybe I am thinking about this too much but my mother-in-law is not just an old lady waiting to die and I have been looking at her that way.
I keep thinking a person never really gets used to being old; in the mind, one is always that seventeen year old on the verge of doing great things. My mother-in-law still makes plans, has hopes, and she dreams. The matriarch dreams a lot; she has plans for Christmas, she still wishes she could go to Alaska, she would like to fall in love again. I don't know what I figured my mother-in-law would be like when she came here; previously, she had only been ill when she had needed to be here. It was a pain but we could handle it. But the longer, she is here, the more I realize that whole 'life' she had on her own, that 'life' that went on when I didn't take her to the doctor's or shopping or out to lunch, was a very important part of her identity--even if it was a life restricted to her own house. It was her house and her garden and her kitchen. She sits, now, in her room because it is her private space, her place. Maybe I am thinking about this too much but my mother-in-law is not just an old lady waiting to die and I have been looking at her that way.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sex and the Single Senior
Setting: lawyer's office, 10 years ago.
Characters: my mother-in-law, my husband and me. And, the lawyer. First three characters are
anxious, nervous, one is fidgety. The lawyer is a stereotype for a small city sort of lawyer in a Canadian
province.
Plot: A divorce consultation.
Dialogue:
Lawyer: Are there any grounds we can use to say this wedding was out of the ordinary?
Husband cringes, mother-in-law looks from lawyer to son.
Mother-in-law: What do you mean?
Lawyer: I mean are there extraordinary grounds to say this marriage could be nullified?
Mother-in-law: What do you mean nullified?
Lawyer (finally getting awkward): Was this marriage consummated?
Husband looks away, a deep shade of red.
Mother-in-law: Well, I don't know. We were married in the normal kind of way, but he wasn't very sexy.
Lawyer momentarily looks relieved: So, we could process this easily with non-consummation.
Mother-in-law (continuing to speak despite lawyer): Do you mean did we have sex? Cause we did have sex,
he just couldn't a lot, you know....
light fades as she continues to speak and husband gets redder and redder....
Seniors have sex and despite her age, my mother-in-law would love to have a boyfriend, a companion. I don't know if she would still have sex, if she would still be capable. I do know when she got married sixteen years ago, she had something of a sex life. I know more than I like to know. However, when I took her for her drive yesterday, we got to talking about her lack of a social life. It never occurred to me she would miss male companionship. Till she moved here, my mother-in-law went to regular card nights and socialized. It may not have been important to her, at the time, but the routine of those nights with people her own age and with the opposite sex are something she misses. She has told me of a number of men she encountered while at cards; most of them were impressed with her cooking. One man asked her out and when he realized she was 10 or 15 years older than him, he chose not to go out with her. My husband, albeit embarrassed, is completely rational about his mother and social situations. Any man who may be interested would lose interest once he realized how old she was; it wouldn't be personal, just a precaution against becoming intimate on any level with someone who could die at any moment. My mother-in-law has actually outlived 2 companions since her divorce: 1 died of a heart attack and the other in a car accident. But I guess sitting in her room, choosing not to participate with us, isn't necessarily a sign she doesn't want something. Everyone at all ages, I guess, truly wants a friend.
Characters: my mother-in-law, my husband and me. And, the lawyer. First three characters are
anxious, nervous, one is fidgety. The lawyer is a stereotype for a small city sort of lawyer in a Canadian
province.
Plot: A divorce consultation.
Dialogue:
Lawyer: Are there any grounds we can use to say this wedding was out of the ordinary?
Husband cringes, mother-in-law looks from lawyer to son.
Mother-in-law: What do you mean?
Lawyer: I mean are there extraordinary grounds to say this marriage could be nullified?
Mother-in-law: What do you mean nullified?
Lawyer (finally getting awkward): Was this marriage consummated?
Husband looks away, a deep shade of red.
Mother-in-law: Well, I don't know. We were married in the normal kind of way, but he wasn't very sexy.
Lawyer momentarily looks relieved: So, we could process this easily with non-consummation.
Mother-in-law (continuing to speak despite lawyer): Do you mean did we have sex? Cause we did have sex,
he just couldn't a lot, you know....
light fades as she continues to speak and husband gets redder and redder....
Seniors have sex and despite her age, my mother-in-law would love to have a boyfriend, a companion. I don't know if she would still have sex, if she would still be capable. I do know when she got married sixteen years ago, she had something of a sex life. I know more than I like to know. However, when I took her for her drive yesterday, we got to talking about her lack of a social life. It never occurred to me she would miss male companionship. Till she moved here, my mother-in-law went to regular card nights and socialized. It may not have been important to her, at the time, but the routine of those nights with people her own age and with the opposite sex are something she misses. She has told me of a number of men she encountered while at cards; most of them were impressed with her cooking. One man asked her out and when he realized she was 10 or 15 years older than him, he chose not to go out with her. My husband, albeit embarrassed, is completely rational about his mother and social situations. Any man who may be interested would lose interest once he realized how old she was; it wouldn't be personal, just a precaution against becoming intimate on any level with someone who could die at any moment. My mother-in-law has actually outlived 2 companions since her divorce: 1 died of a heart attack and the other in a car accident. But I guess sitting in her room, choosing not to participate with us, isn't necessarily a sign she doesn't want something. Everyone at all ages, I guess, truly wants a friend.
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