Just because she's old doesn't mean she's dependent...

The matriarch is old, that's it. She is not sick, she is not disabled (though one could argue blindness is a disability, the matriarch refuses to use a cane and hasn't fallen), she has mild, very mild, dementia. Some could argue the dementia is more like occasional forgetfulness--she does become confused when stressed but I could argue I have encountered younger people who have similar problems when they are stressed. It is called dementia when one is old.

Here is today's blog:

The matriarch's sister-in-law called to see how she was doing. The woman is spending Thanksgiving with some friends and popping over to St. Jacob's Market to do some shopping; she lives in Orangeville and the plans are to have a nice drive, lunch and some shopping. No, the matriarch is not going. She wasn't invited. We don't live close to either St. Jacob's or to Orangeville; it's the sister-in-law's social event; we do a Thanksgiving Dinner here with my parents; so, the matriarch told the sister-in-law she had cancer.

I beg your pardon? I said to the matriarch. You don't have cancer.

But, I did.

But, they cut it out and now, you don't.

But, the doctor said it was still there.

No, he did not. He said no such thing. You had colon cancer 8 years ago, they cut out a few inches of your colon and you are fine.

But, the doctor said it could come back.

Yes, he did. Are you in pain? Are you bleeding when you go to the bathroom?

No.

Well, then, chances are you don't have cancer. You shouldn't be telling people you have cancer when you don't.

But (name of sister-in-law) said she would come take me out for lunch. She said she is no longer tired since her operation. (The sister-in-law did have a lump removed and chemotherapy on her breast. She is 82 and doing fine.)

That has nothing do with the fact you don't have cancer and you can't tell people that you do.

Is this confusion or selfishness? The matriarch's sister-in-law is far more blunt; she told the matriarch, flat out, she wasn't coming to bring her to her house for a visit--she is too demanding a guest. And, while she would like to come up here to take the matriarch out to lunch, or out for a meal, she thinks the drive is too far right now. I know the woman is obsfucating; she doesn't want to go out with her sister-in-law; she is, at least, being polite about it. But the whole situation makes me wonder.

I heard this great radio program on CBC's "The Current" about a couple taking in the wife's elderly parents when the father had a stroke; the mother was already suffering from severe dementia. It was tragic and I admire the woman, her husband and her brother so much for what they did; but, the situation provoked me to consider the matriarch's situation. Illness changes the control issues. My mother-in-law is really, really old. She is not ill and the sympathy I have for her, at times, is overwhelmed by the fact a lot of her misery is of her own making. You cannot tell that to people. One must sow seeds when one is young--not just in terms of friendship but also in how one views the world. Maybe most people see the world in terms of themselves--but, then, they die so their perspective doesn't matter; but what about people who keep on living? My children cannot mention an activity they do that their grandmother hasn't already done or would never do; my parents, really, especially my mother, bend over backwards for the matriarch and she really doesn't appreciate it; and my poor husband, well, he gave up trying to please his mother years ago. I sometimes wonder at the matriarch and her sitting up in her room; she is a fully functional adult always looking to be entertained and I am this sycophant constantly failing to make her happy. Do we all become like this? I imagine it is this type of thinking that enables families to leave their parents in old age homes. But, then, I also wonder would the matriarch be happier to be neglected in a bureaucratic way? I like to think I try to do my best but, ultimately, I can only please the person in the mirror...and, trust me, she is not quite equal to the matriarch's wants.