Despite Evidence to the Contrary...

The matriarch hates living here. That's a given. She has this idea that if she lived on her own, I would take her out more because I would drive over to her house in order to, particularly, take her out. She has this idea that if she lived on her own, people would visit her more. The matriarch thinks if she still had her independence, she could go shopping all the time and do as she wants. Of course, I would still be her driver. It would be so much easier on me.

I think not.

It has been a dreadful month and I suspect I am suffering from depression. But life goes on and the matriarch has told the children she no longer wants them to come to her room to say good-night; they can do it in the kitchen at dinner time. I really don't know if all old people are as selfish as the matriarch, I don't think so, but I do wonder about how one becomes this selfish. My husband, sadly, sees no difference in his mother from when he was a boy. I wonder about this conflict I have inside about hating institutional care and all its ramifications with really getting tired of catering to the matriarch all the time. Then, just when I think I can do it no longer, someone else's casual cruelty outrages me and I get the strength from my fury. The matriarch's sister-in-law phoned to tell her she would come for a visit and take her for lunch so long as it doesn't snow. It's November in Canada but for climate change, we would be covered in the stuff already. Why would the woman even call? The matriarch told me about the phone call upstairs in her room; she said her sister-in-law was coming to take her for lunch. And, I sat there, for a minute debating the issue with myself, then I said "Why would she call in November if she doesn't like driving in the snow?"

It's these almost inocuous plans that make me think maybe the matriarch is in purgatory; she has to learn about selfishness somehow. It's not happening and she just keeps on living in blissful ignorance. Or maybe I am ranting. But the poor woman is upstairs planning on where they will go when the sister-in-law comes; I suspect Swiss Chalet because we're not getting there much currently. It's the disappointment that is hard to handle. Once a week goes by and the woman hasn't phoned and the snow begins to fall, the matriarch will realize lunch out with the in-laws is not going to happen. Then, she will be disappointed and we, the five of us, will not be good enough for her and I will go through this whole awful feeling again. Christmas should distract her: dinner out at my parents,' dinner out for my child's birthday, dinner out for my husband's birthday and parties where she can pretend to be the belle of the ball.

I don't think I ever want to grow old and I will always try not to be selfish. I hope.