The Legacy Project

Here is a link some might find interesting with respect to communication between the generations:

The Legacy Project

I heard Ms Bosak on the radio in a discussion of how she cared for her dying parents within her home; she did it ably with the help of her husband and brother. But she also details encountering the end of life spectrum, the supports available, that really aren't there. Unlike, Ms Bosak's parents, the matriarch is old, that's it, so there is minimal assistance available; my mother-in-law needs no help in the washroom or taking a shower or going for a walk--yes, I know she is almost blind, a constant debate in this house, but she refuses to admit it. The reality of it is based on my observations alone and an opthamologist who will not, at my request, tell my mother-in-law she is blind. At least, one good thing to say about the man. I don't know if it is a good thing itself--it drives me crazy but it seems to give her some sort of independence. On a side note, one does not get assistance for company; I cannot get government aid to pay someone to take the matriarch out for lunch.

There is a lot of discussion about the coming tidal wave of geriatric seniors, those born in the baby boom after World War II. David Foote wrote about it years ago; Ted Fishman in "Shock of Grey" discusses how we are living in it currently. I think a really good book would be one which discusses how to deal with seniors who won't admit they are old. Should they admit they are old? Does the idea of being old really seem so bad? Should it be? I have no idea how to deal with the matriarch beyond keeping up this pretense that she could live independently; it's the doctor making her live here not her frailties as an old woman. I have actually heard my mother-in-law talk derogatorily about other old people because they are old. I think the hardest thing is to admit one needs help but help does always mean forfeiting independence. I also am seriously beginning to consider the role of community in the care of the old and the very young. Sometimes, I really wish my husband and children could get a break but my mother-in-law has lost her ties. She seems never to have been a nice person--isn't that awful to write? What I am trying to say is that what goes around, comes around...But then, I look at my husband and think she did do something right. He is a truly wonderful man.

It is all so confusing.

My husband will hate these words but I do wonder about the role of retirement; my father is almost 70 and he can work most young men under the table; my husband, at 60, cannot wait to retire (because he does want to retire, contrary to what I am writing) and return to school. It is not as though they see their senior years as waiting to die. But then I look at my mother-in-law and her constant, never-ending need to be entertained and I wonder is this what life is all about??? Then, of course, there is always the corollary of what is my life if I spend it taking care of, and complaining about, seniors who are waiting to die or trying not to live. In the end, it really does seem so mixed up. We are not defined by our ages but sometimes, we are limited by them and, other times, we are not limited by what we think but how we can physically act. And, there are no definitions that are finite. I guess it is a confusing post.

The matriarch is going out for lunch with my parents today; she is going to have a quarter chicken dinner, white meat, and hot chocolate. But, no dessert. It was my husband's birthday yesterday and my child has made him a cake and my mother-in-law wants some of it.