Of Children and Old Women

The matriarch broke wind at the blood clinic, today, continuously, and I cringed and the nurse pretended not to hear. The whole time the blood was being drawn, the matriarch made her presence known. But, she did not seem to know what was happening--it was as though she could not hear it happening. I had promised to take her to the bank with me but, once settled in the van after the clinic, I said to her

I think you need to go home.

Why?

It was an embarrassing pause. And, of course, I could not tell her.

It's too cold out and my husband wants me to do some running around. You need to go home.

Suffice it to say, I got her knickers in knot and she was not happy with me. But, once I did deposit her at home, she rushed up the stairs as only a 99 year old who has to go the bathroom can. I hate monitoring other people's bodily functions. So, I went to the bank and when I returned home, the children had made lunch--including toast and honey for grandma and cookies.

The point about the cookies is the fact they were marshmallow, chocolate covered ones. And, as I write this, I begin to suspect we, too, may have a problem with sugar but I digress. The children being children, of course, lunch was lively, exuberant. Then, I started doing the dishes and they started eating the cookies, making sure Grandma had her share. And, I am standing there at the sink, watching them, the eating area being on the other side of the counter, when the first cookie goes flying at my middle child's head, chocolate and marshmallow eviscerated from the bottom but this biscuit somehow landing on the table. As I contemplate the reality of this, and the reaction that my children (!!!!) could possibly be having a food fight in my kitchen (!!!), the second cookie, really more a slightly, chocolate-covered miniature flying saucer goes flying across the room...and lands in the matriarch's tea. This, of course, brings silence to the table as the children all look to their grandma and see what she will do. I have mentioned we pretend she isn't blind and not deaf and I have two minds as to whether or not she is completely oblivious but even I was wondering if she noticed the cookie having dropped into her tea. It did splash before it sank--I mean there was some tea on the table around the cup.

But, I couldn't let her drink it and spewing dagger eyes at my children, I said to her:

Here, let me get you a fresh cup.

Why? I don't need another cup.

And, she breaks wind again. And, my oldest child is trying not to laugh and my younger two are snickering and their grandma begins eating another cookie. So, I take the cup hoping to get a fresh cup and tea poured before she notices and, of course, I fail; I see her hand stretching out for the cup which is not there; the hand gropes around the table and my youngest pushes the cookie plate before her, so my mother-in-law takes another cookie as though she has forgotten the tea. But she hasn't; she reaches for my child's milk glass and says

This isn't my mug.

I have poured the tea into another cup and say, handing it to her,

No, here it is.

And, she breaks wind again and the children erupt into laughter and, for the sake of this blog, I will say I discipline them. But, really, we are all headed this way...tooting and eating cookies and pretending we are still familiar with our very old bodies.