It is so Hot

The poor matriarch is suffering terribly with the heat...and she keeps wanting to go out for lunch to sit in the cool of the restaurant for a time. I can't go out for lunch everyday and the matriarch won't sit in the basement or in the family room; she stays in her room unless we go out.

What is the big deal if she is so uncomfortable?  There is a bathroom in the basement; we can leave her alone or join her.  She won't sit outside in the cool of the morning.

Am I supposed to force her to sit outside?  To know better than she knows?  Am I supposed to make her do something she doesn't want to do?

There are times this whole age is just driving me crazy.

Raspberries...Again

So, the girls and I must pick raspberries Monday morning.  The season has opened; strawberries are done, raspberries are to be frozen next.

I think that, as a consequence of my aging, it seems we are always freezing fruit for my mother-in-law to eat.  It seems my routine is feeding the woman...and my children.  I have 2 chest freezers and by Monday night 1 will be completely full with this year's fruit: 100 litres of strawberries, 16 litres of rhubarb and whatever we do in raspberries.  Do you realize an 100 year old woman will eat all this?  Seriously.

If I didn't see my mother-in-law actually eat, I wouldn't believe it either.

Ooh, and the sugar...

As my husband likes to question, "Why is this house always out of sugar?"

I think you know the answer.  We cannot be the only family in the world living like this...

How Do You Know?

The matriarch is suffering from the heat--terribly so.  I asked her to sit down here with us or in the basement; there is a washroom down there, my husband and I sleep down there, there is a library/ living room down there...I think it is okay.  She said, "No."

So what do I do?  She has a fan in her room and I am bringing her iced water to drink.  But it is her decision to stay up there.  The windows are open, there is a nice breeze, but she has chosen to sit up in her room despite the fact the breeze is cooler down here in the living room and the basement is actually quite comfortable.  We don't have air conditioning, but we do have lots of windows and a lovely breeze--almost all the time.  So what can you do--make the old do something that would be better for them?

Sometimes it is so easy to know what should be done versus what is being done.  The matriarch has been invited out for lunch tomorrow; it is to be even hotter than today.  Does she go or stay?  I already told her about the invitation--though, it was the height of disrespect to call me to ask her out as opposed to call her.  I am not her jailer.  The matriarch will make the decision this evening whether or not to cancel and I will have to call to make arrangements; the idea that I am responsible at one's convenience is actually the problem with the maintenance of the old.  As people age, they need help; but, do they need mind readers or people who are supposed to know what they need even though no words are said?  I find this the most frustrating aspect of the care of my mother-in-law; she can tell me when she doesn't want to visit, for example, the nail salon, but I am supposed to know when she needs or wants a haircut.  And, if I treat her wishes as a child's wishes, knowing what she wants based on routine, she can easily change her mind and I am supposed to know or understand it.  I really don't think I ever want to inflict this kind of life on my children.  It is so easy to become dominant without knowing it.

Of course, there are also the old who are not like this...I imagine they see the world more broadly than my mother-in-law.  Not everyone becomes so insular; so, the fact must be that are alternatives to living this way but how do we prevent our future old selves becoming like this?  Does my mother-in-law really see herself as inhibiting other people's existence?  I imagine she doesn't; like my friend's grandmother, I think she would die if she knew how restrictive her demands made my life.  But, then, surely she must notice I never leave her; my husband or I are always here...no holidays, no vacations and her sister-in-law has said blatantly she is a difficult guest.  (Though, to be fair, in a weird kind of way, the sister-in-law did say the matriarch could come visit her again but her cancer reappeared and she has had to have an operation on one of several days or several operations on one day or the matriarch completely misunderstood but the visit is not going to happen.  Make of the information what you will...)  So, really, I don't know what the matriarch thinks and I don't know what to do.  It just gets hotter.

A Word from Deborah Orr (Guardian Newspaper Comment Section)

This was found in the more left than right wing paper, 'The Guardian:'

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jul/06/care-expensive-deborah-orr

Ms Orr is one hundred per cent right (though I did find her essay a little convoluted); how we treat the young, the very old and the ill is how a society is judged. So, no matter how difficult it gets with the matriarch--and it does, forgive me--I can never forget she is a fellow human being, capable of mistakes, cares, and opinions just like everyone else. Yes, it is incredible she is 100 with her health and her marbles; but, it is also very difficult to take care of her in a society that constantly encourages her to be put into a hospital to wait out her days. I know my house is not much better, but my mother-in-law does get out, does see the world, does have choices over what she wants to eat (yes, she always wants to eat sugar and strawberries but it is her choice).

Perhaps, it is my anxiety; I do suffer from the effects of taking care of someone who does not like me; but I find I am waiting for some sort of endpoint. Isn't that awful? Even my husband, and it is his mother, finds things pulling on him. The routine of going out for lunch every single week doesn't sound like a chore, but it is; there is no choice in the matter for him; every Wednesday afternoon, he must take his mother out for lunch, rain or shine, plans or not. You get caught wondering what the matriarch must be thinking...it is a lot to demand of another person. He has been doing it for three years, every single week; though, I have little sympathy for him, I have been doing it for almost thirteen years. You know it is bad when you know the serving staff and their children by name at particular restaurants. But my point is when do we make the decision, because I think it must be a conscious choice, to become so demanding? My girlfriend--whose parents took care of her grandmother for 20 years--said her grandma would have died had she known how demanding she was. How could, or can, a fully functioning adult not know? Worse yet, when or why does it become so acceptable? I know my mother-in-law has lived a long and difficult life, but does that mean she is entitled to become selfish? Is age an excuse for selfishness? But, then, am I selfish for wishing this could end? I don't want the woman to die, but there are times when I don't want her here. And, yes, of course, I feel guilty. It is also underscored when people, who have not taken care of the elderly for extended periods of time, comment as though they know or think they could do better. For whatever I write or think, the matriarch is still here by her choice as much as my own (don't get into how ridiculous that sounds, I know I complain and it is very hypocritical but she is still here and not somewhere else).

Back to Ms Orr's essay....

If the old aren't taken care of, we forget our past; if the young are not cared for, we have no future; and, if the ill are left behind, we have no hope. Gosh, this is depressing.

A short word on the Matriarch and the Cat...

My mother-in-law sat out on the front porch in the sunny weather; when it got too hot, she decided to come it. I offered my arm.

I don't need your help. I can open the door on my own. I can do things on my own. Go away.

You try not to take things too personally; there are times, of course, it doesn't work.

I am only trying to help. Let me open the front door.

No, I can do it.

In goes the matriarch, out goes the cat.

Ooh, I let the cat out.

The cat is a house cat, but we let him out on a leash most days. It is not ideal, but we live in the country and it is for his protection; there are coyotes around and foxes and the odd wolf and they could eat him. They have been known to do so to other cats from the neighbourhood (laugh if you want, it is an honest concern).

An hour and a half later, my husband comes home and finds me wandering the neighbourhood looking for the cat. If we didn't have children, I would not have been so persistent. All I could think of was finding a half-eaten cat and my daughters crying their hearts out. So, I kept looking. And, the matriarch was on the front porch calling out for the cat:

Pumpkin, Pumpkin, Pumpkin

And, the neighbours are watching the matriarch on the front porch, trying to make out what she is saying. I don't know if she was choosing not to yell, if she couldn't yell, or if they just couldn't hear her but, when I came back, a fellow asked me what was wrong with my grandmother.

She's not my grandmother; she's my mother-in-law.

Well, she's been standing out there on the porch since you left talking to herself.

The cat runs into the house and the matriarch fails to notice and tells my husband I lost the cat. My husband closes the door and offers his mother a cup of tea.

No, I am going to bed. This too much for one day.

And, I come home and we all go in; the cat has rushed down to the basement because it so hot. I think to myself, it never, ever ends.

Living Forever...and not in Expected Ways

Last week, there was a wedding shower for my cousin and I met a woman whose Aunt died 8 days short of her 108 birthday. Recently, the oldest woman listed in the world died; she was 114. I think she was from France.

Then, Brazilian statisticians found this woman:

http://blogs.aljazeera.net/americas/2011/06/25/woman-aged-120-years-old-discovered-brazil

They apparently are trying to confirm she is 120.

My middle age could last a very long time.

A Meditation on Age

Sometimes, the matriarch drives me crazy...her greatest wish is to go for lunch; her easiest want to satisfy is a drive about the township. But, here is the thing, as I sit writing on the computer, my 100 year old mother-in-law is wandering about the house--getting exercise, she calls it. Up the stairs, down the stairs, round the hall, into the kitchen and back up again. She does not come into the front room--she thinks what I am doing is work, so she does not come into the room. My mother-in-law knows I don't work; but, she does not understand this computer thing and waits for my daughter to show her the movie trailers. But do you understand I am complaining about the activities of an hundred year old woman? She is wandering about my house; I feel my privacy invaded; but, my mother-in-law is 100...what else can she do?

My priorities need to be adjusted.

My mother-in-law can do a lot of things--except see. She is not deaf, she has no cane, her gait is steady; she'd love a date. She cannot see except, of course, for those days when she can see which are always inconvenient. I wish I knew what exactly she could manage to see, how bright the light must be to see something. The word "blind" floats about unsaid; the opthamologist has confirmed it, but I live in a world where my expectations are constantly surprised. She wipes a bit of dust off my husband's suit; how does she know it is there? How can she see it? The world would be so much better if she could see...I think.

How does the world appear to one so old? Does my mother-in-law care anymore? I know she enjoys movie trailers and strawberries; she likes to go for lunch and for drives; but, I don't understand the meaning of her existence...but, then I live under the delusion there is meaning to existence. The matriarch has just given my older daughter her flowers from her birthday:

I wanted Werthers and chips; I don't like flowers.

My daughter thinks her grandmother is annoyed because she wanted the water on the flowers changed yesterday and my daughter had to go to piano first. If there is one thing that does annoy me: when the matriarch wants something done, she wants it done immediately. My youngest is the only one who can cajole any kind of patience out of her. But why the rush? It is not like she or the flowers are going anywhere. Up the stairs, down the stairs again. I try so hard to understand why it is like this. I can rationalize in a weird way surprise deaths, accidents, even tragedies; but, for the life of me, I cannot understand why someone who does nothing lives so long, is so healthy.

As a matter of gossip, the matriarch's doctor has MS; she has gone through 3 doctors, 2 of whom have retired and this fellow who is ill and may retire early. There are so many ironies here it could be seen as really funny where it not for me knowing the fellow and he being a nice, albeit a doctor who thinks he knows everything, kind of guy.

Up the stairs, down the stairs.

Dinner still not ready?

We are having salmon, new potatoes and spinach and the matriarch will eat it all and have strawberries with sugar for dessert. Then, go back upstairs to watch her shows and go to bed and I will ponder on the meaning of existence wondering why some in this world have it so easy and some seem born to endure.

Back to Normal

So, the matriarch is 100...

and we still have to do the blood tests, the hair salon, the nail salon, and the strawberries. My husband and I have had a bit of a dispute about the strawberries:

My mother does not eat that much.

I look at him and can honestly say I want to hit him. With 3 children, 2 4 litre baskets each, we pick a lot of berries. Today is my third visit to the farm. We pick a lot of berries. The woman eats a lot of strawberries.

The girls eat some, too, you know.

They don't eat strawberry jam; they don't eat fresh raspberries; they do eat blueberries till the cows come home; it is not blueberry season. We are picking strawberries for my mother-in-law. This is not a disputable fact. The woman is now 100 and will eat as many strawberries as she can till she dies. She will eat strawberries covered in sugar and love the syrupy stuff at the end of the bowl more. That is that.

Well, I think your exaggerating.

Where the heck do the strawberries go then? Do you ever have a fact, an indisputable fact, that someone debates with you, contradicts, attempts to prove wrong, and, ultimately, gets mad at you for knowing the truth? Some days are just like that.

We are picking strawberries and my mother-in-law is eating them and that is our life.