How Do You Know?

The matriarch is suffering from the heat--terribly so.  I asked her to sit down here with us or in the basement; there is a washroom down there, my husband and I sleep down there, there is a library/ living room down there...I think it is okay.  She said, "No."

So what do I do?  She has a fan in her room and I am bringing her iced water to drink.  But it is her decision to stay up there.  The windows are open, there is a nice breeze, but she has chosen to sit up in her room despite the fact the breeze is cooler down here in the living room and the basement is actually quite comfortable.  We don't have air conditioning, but we do have lots of windows and a lovely breeze--almost all the time.  So what can you do--make the old do something that would be better for them?

Sometimes it is so easy to know what should be done versus what is being done.  The matriarch has been invited out for lunch tomorrow; it is to be even hotter than today.  Does she go or stay?  I already told her about the invitation--though, it was the height of disrespect to call me to ask her out as opposed to call her.  I am not her jailer.  The matriarch will make the decision this evening whether or not to cancel and I will have to call to make arrangements; the idea that I am responsible at one's convenience is actually the problem with the maintenance of the old.  As people age, they need help; but, do they need mind readers or people who are supposed to know what they need even though no words are said?  I find this the most frustrating aspect of the care of my mother-in-law; she can tell me when she doesn't want to visit, for example, the nail salon, but I am supposed to know when she needs or wants a haircut.  And, if I treat her wishes as a child's wishes, knowing what she wants based on routine, she can easily change her mind and I am supposed to know or understand it.  I really don't think I ever want to inflict this kind of life on my children.  It is so easy to become dominant without knowing it.

Of course, there are also the old who are not like this...I imagine they see the world more broadly than my mother-in-law.  Not everyone becomes so insular; so, the fact must be that are alternatives to living this way but how do we prevent our future old selves becoming like this?  Does my mother-in-law really see herself as inhibiting other people's existence?  I imagine she doesn't; like my friend's grandmother, I think she would die if she knew how restrictive her demands made my life.  But, then, surely she must notice I never leave her; my husband or I are always here...no holidays, no vacations and her sister-in-law has said blatantly she is a difficult guest.  (Though, to be fair, in a weird kind of way, the sister-in-law did say the matriarch could come visit her again but her cancer reappeared and she has had to have an operation on one of several days or several operations on one day or the matriarch completely misunderstood but the visit is not going to happen.  Make of the information what you will...)  So, really, I don't know what the matriarch thinks and I don't know what to do.  It just gets hotter.