My Husband spends the day with his Mother

My daughter had to referee a number of soccer games on Saturday and, because it was far away, my other children came and my husband was left alone with his mother. I should note he also had work obligations--so, he was around to give her lunch and dinner but not to socialize. Apparently, the day did not go well. She was not happy. She did not go out for lunch. She sat in her room and griped. Okay, I think she did. I just know the matriarch was in bed when I got home late at night and we had to go for lunch on Sunday. Swiss Chalet is lovely; the staff is great; the food is wonderful; but, even they are beginning to wonder why we eat there so much...

Can an old person dictate a family's lifestyle? Am I giving in too much to the matriarch? Can this really go on forever?

I have been reading about quality of care in some of the homes in England and Ireland and there is an outcry over the abuse; mind, the homes are more for the intellectually and physically challenged rather than the old. But, does it matter? Would I be able to live with myself if I knew the matriarch (who let's admit is slowly driving me crazy) was being abused? What if it wasn't so much abuse as left alone, isolated, one of a number in a warehouse? If nothing else, I do try; much like my cooking, however, from the matriarch's perspective, I fail miserably.

My husband, who I really admire, says, in a nice way, I am a control freak and I must let things go. His mother chooses to live her life her way; she doesn't have to remind me I don't quite cook to her taste but she chooses to rather than be quiet, offer suggestions to cook differently, buy me a new cookbook. He likes my cooking, anyhow.

I wish I could empathize differently; I wish I knew how. I can't spend the day in the house with the matriarch without encouraging her to do something, go somewhere, go out for lunch. My husband has told me I am as dictatorial with the children as his mother is with me. My middle child, who for the sake of argument I'll suggest is the opinionated one, tried to get her grandmother to try a new restaurant on Sunday; the girls are all tired of Swiss Chalet. But, I interfered and said, Grandma is paying, so we go where she wants....

My girlfriend's family took care of her grandmother for twenty years. They brought a hospital bed into the home. They were good and decent people and it cost them dearly as a family. My friend's parents lost their middle age to the care of their mother; I admire them so much but the cost is so high. Why must it be so???