The matriarch and I listened to the "Vinyl Cafe" yesterday lunchtime and she told me Stuart McLean had a nice voice. I asked her if she would like to listen to some of his "Dave and Morley" stories; the children own all of Stuart McLean's cds. We once went to see the radio taping of the "Stuart McLean's Christmas at the Vinyl Cafe." My youngest child also happened to be the youngest member of the audience and won a free cd; Santa Claus brought the rest of the collection as presents. So, now, the matriarch has something to do. It is about time.
At my friend's suggestion, we have tried radio dramas before; the matriarch has refused everything the library in town has and the versions of "The Shadow" I own. She won't listen to books on tape and she isn't a music oriented person. The matriarch has been sitting in silence in her room, for days on end, interrupted only in the evenings with "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy." Saturday nights are for "Cops" and "America's Most Wanted." She used to listen to the children practice piano and guitar but has withdrawn into her room to listen from upstairs; I like to think she still listens despite her absence from the family room. You know, you can't force a person to participate in family life; sometimes, it seems they are almost afraid of laughter. My husband has told me not to take the matriarch so personally; he recognizes his mother for what she is and I want her to be something she is not. Not everyone's granny is going to be a little old lady who bakes cookies for children; some are going to be individuals who really want something undefinable from the world and resent the fact they cannot get it.
Saturday, the matriarch spent the entire day in her room complaining of cold and not eating anything. She had no fever and I did not know what was wrong; she did eat breakfast but no snacks throughout the day and no lunch. At 2 o'clock, I phoned the nurse at Telehealth Ontario. The only change we could account for in the matriarch's routine was the addition of the Cumidin, the blood thinner with the side effect of more easily felt cold. The Cumidin had started Friday evening and it would be difficult to accept the side affect would be so immediate; the matriarch's annoyance at being on the medication, however, is obvious. My husband wants to see the doctor and make the argument the Cumidin is not worth the effort; my mother-in-law doesn't want to be on it and her wishes should be the deciding factor in her health management. However, that fear of stroke lies over our heads and the possibility she could survive a stroke, disabled, is a terrible fear.
What amazes me is the petulant nature of the matriarch's behaviour; she stayed in her room and refused to eat but what she had to eat in order to take her medication. She does what she has to do to stay alive. My oldest child made a beautiful dinner for Saturday night supper; all my children cook really well; the meal was fennel rubbed pork chops with orange sauce, mashed potatoes, and a medley of vegetables: parsnips, brussel sprouts and carrots. The matriarch's favourite vegetables and mashed potatoes and a sauce she could use as a gravy; the woman chose to eat bread and jam, no peanut butter even. I think to myself the only one she is punishing is herself; it is as though, the matriarch has a slightly masochistic attitude toward life--she is going to live despite herself.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The Doctor Makes a Phone Call
The Doctor phoned and requested I put the matriarch back onto her blood thinners; he had discussed her situation with the Eye specialist and saw no problem with the medication's return. I hate the matriarch taking Cumidin; it is basically rat poison thinned out to prevent the possibility of a stroke. The matriarch and I live in this world of possible death and the main aim of things is to prevent her survival should she suffer a stroke. My mother-in-law has an irregular heart beat; and, in the regular scheme of things, taking the medication is wise advice. However, she has had an irregular heart beat for forty years and has previously been on Cumidin for 3 years. I don't think it is going to make a difference but we are following the doctor's advice.
It means a change in routine. Every week, I must take the matriarch to a blood clinic to have her blood tested; she must be poked and prodded and her blood assessed to make sure the dosage is correct. The amount of Cumidin in her blood can affect her general health: too much and she could bleed to death; too little and the medication serves no purpose. The amounts are affected by her diet and her physical exercise; I think these effects of the medication are age-related. The matriarch will bruise easily for the next little while; the dosage will take some time to adjust. Every tap on the hand will cause massive bruising; the matriarch cannot fall. She cannot eat dark greens because the iron in the vegetables will affect the Cumidin dosage: no spinach or broccoli, in particular. Because she cannot see, I must watch out for the blood affects of bruising.
The matriarch really did not want to go back on the blood thinner; my husband and I left the decision up to her; my husband has her power of attorney and makes the decision about her right to die if she has an accident or suffers ill health. He cannot decide about her right to live; the matriarch cannot suffer a stroke for the very fact, she could survive it. My husband and I will take turns taking the matriarch to the clinic; although, neither one of us really wants to do it; one does the clinic and the other one does piano with the children. One day, at some point in the distant future, when the matriarch has passed on and the children have grown, my elderly husband and my older self will look at each other and wonder what we can do with this thing called "free time"....
It means a change in routine. Every week, I must take the matriarch to a blood clinic to have her blood tested; she must be poked and prodded and her blood assessed to make sure the dosage is correct. The amount of Cumidin in her blood can affect her general health: too much and she could bleed to death; too little and the medication serves no purpose. The amounts are affected by her diet and her physical exercise; I think these effects of the medication are age-related. The matriarch will bruise easily for the next little while; the dosage will take some time to adjust. Every tap on the hand will cause massive bruising; the matriarch cannot fall. She cannot eat dark greens because the iron in the vegetables will affect the Cumidin dosage: no spinach or broccoli, in particular. Because she cannot see, I must watch out for the blood affects of bruising.
The matriarch really did not want to go back on the blood thinner; my husband and I left the decision up to her; my husband has her power of attorney and makes the decision about her right to die if she has an accident or suffers ill health. He cannot decide about her right to live; the matriarch cannot suffer a stroke for the very fact, she could survive it. My husband and I will take turns taking the matriarch to the clinic; although, neither one of us really wants to do it; one does the clinic and the other one does piano with the children. One day, at some point in the distant future, when the matriarch has passed on and the children have grown, my elderly husband and my older self will look at each other and wonder what we can do with this thing called "free time"....
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The Thing About Accidents and Kidney Infections
To begin, the matriarch does not have accidents; she has had them after emotional upsets but they are hardly routine. It is embarrassing and sheets must be changed, clothes washed, and the matriarch's dignity restored. But it happens.
The matriarch is on a low dose Alzheimer's medication and the doctor did not tell me accidents could be a side effect. My friend's father has full onset Alzheimer's and she has not been told accidents could be a side effect of the medication. Neither one of us has ever heard of kidney infections being a possible side effect of the drugs; we both figure if they were, it would be the doctor's obligation to inform us.
Unfortunately, and recently, an Alzheimer patient I know of has suffered her third kidney infection and the staff of the home has told the family the infections are a result of the medication. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But my first thought when I found out about the infections was personal accidents. Were the patient's sheets not changed or was the person left sitting in the mess for too long? When my children were young, I made 'Huggies' a small fortune because I would change the children's diapers whenever they had a movement, urinary or bowel. It sounds silly to have explain about accidents but some people change on timers, every 2-4 hours, some change on demand, and some allow so many diapers a day. I feel terrible about the situation with the Alzheimer patient; the accident scenario was not discussed. But adult diapers also have to be changed and, often, work on the same schedule as children's concerns. I can't imagine doctors accepting kidney infections as par for the course with some medication. Maybe they do? But this is one reason, I think no matter how difficult it is here, I could not, in good faith, let my mother-in-law into an institution. I don't imagine any way to justify her sitting in her own filth.
The matriarch is on a low dose Alzheimer's medication and the doctor did not tell me accidents could be a side effect. My friend's father has full onset Alzheimer's and she has not been told accidents could be a side effect of the medication. Neither one of us has ever heard of kidney infections being a possible side effect of the drugs; we both figure if they were, it would be the doctor's obligation to inform us.
Unfortunately, and recently, an Alzheimer patient I know of has suffered her third kidney infection and the staff of the home has told the family the infections are a result of the medication. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But my first thought when I found out about the infections was personal accidents. Were the patient's sheets not changed or was the person left sitting in the mess for too long? When my children were young, I made 'Huggies' a small fortune because I would change the children's diapers whenever they had a movement, urinary or bowel. It sounds silly to have explain about accidents but some people change on timers, every 2-4 hours, some change on demand, and some allow so many diapers a day. I feel terrible about the situation with the Alzheimer patient; the accident scenario was not discussed. But adult diapers also have to be changed and, often, work on the same schedule as children's concerns. I can't imagine doctors accepting kidney infections as par for the course with some medication. Maybe they do? But this is one reason, I think no matter how difficult it is here, I could not, in good faith, let my mother-in-law into an institution. I don't imagine any way to justify her sitting in her own filth.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
What is Life?
Yesterday, there was an appointment in the city; it was an event for my children, it was important to me, and it was for the better part of the morning. My mother-in-law cannot stay at home alone for extended periods of time; it is not that she gets into anything, it is the fact that she does nothing. She will not make herself lunch; she will not venture into the rest of the house; she will not turn the television set on. I gave her breakfast and put her drops into her eyes and I said good-bye; my husband was home for her lunch and a bit of a visit and then, he had to go. I was back home by 2. Over all, I did not think she was alone excessively; she disagreed. However, when I invited her to go shopping in the late afternoon, she declined; my two younger children stayed at home with her while I did the grocery shopping. Last night, the matriarch made the comment to me that yesterday was very hard on her; she didn't like being alone.
The thoughts of her being so alone have me stressed with guilt; although, over the course of the five hours I was gone with the children, my husband was there for one hour during the middle. It was broken up. But the idea brings to me the harsh reality that life is what one makes it. The matriarch resented the fact I was gone; however, most days, she sleeps for a couple of hours in the morning after breakfast, has lunch and retreats back to her room until I take her for a drive. Technically, the routine was no different; but, the matriarch was still angry. I cannot explain the reason to myself except to consider my mother-in-law wants me around all the time. I hate to think she wants me at her beck and call but I cannot think what else would be her reasoning. And, I have this awful thought at the back of my mind: after almost 100 years, this is what her life amounts to, having someone wait on her. That sounds so depressing, never mind judgmental.
But, then, I think of seniors in their old age homes, sitting in chairs, watching television, doing nothing and I wonder about my mother-in-law. She could do so much more and chooses not to participate; would seniors from other situations be so different? Our family life is really restricted because of my mother-in-law; the problems arise, however, when she takes our sacrifices for granted as though she is somehow entitled to have us around at her discretion. Maybe the old are hidden away in homes to escape this reality? I don't know. I do know the matriarch is looking forward to today: we are off for a drive to my parents' home, are doing lunch at a pancake house and the Oscars are on television this evening.
The thoughts of her being so alone have me stressed with guilt; although, over the course of the five hours I was gone with the children, my husband was there for one hour during the middle. It was broken up. But the idea brings to me the harsh reality that life is what one makes it. The matriarch resented the fact I was gone; however, most days, she sleeps for a couple of hours in the morning after breakfast, has lunch and retreats back to her room until I take her for a drive. Technically, the routine was no different; but, the matriarch was still angry. I cannot explain the reason to myself except to consider my mother-in-law wants me around all the time. I hate to think she wants me at her beck and call but I cannot think what else would be her reasoning. And, I have this awful thought at the back of my mind: after almost 100 years, this is what her life amounts to, having someone wait on her. That sounds so depressing, never mind judgmental.
But, then, I think of seniors in their old age homes, sitting in chairs, watching television, doing nothing and I wonder about my mother-in-law. She could do so much more and chooses not to participate; would seniors from other situations be so different? Our family life is really restricted because of my mother-in-law; the problems arise, however, when she takes our sacrifices for granted as though she is somehow entitled to have us around at her discretion. Maybe the old are hidden away in homes to escape this reality? I don't know. I do know the matriarch is looking forward to today: we are off for a drive to my parents' home, are doing lunch at a pancake house and the Oscars are on television this evening.
Friday, March 5, 2010
A Moral Character
My husband has been home this week and thinks he has been really helpful; he has been helpful with the children...he's supposed to help me with his mother. For the first few days, I kept hoping he would be motivated to take her for a drive or to the shops or to get her to do something. He wasn't. His argument is basically if the matriarch wanted to go somewhere, she would tell him. He took her for lunch...to the restaurant and back. I know it's tedious and boring; I hate going out for lunch; but, I wish he would be more empathetic and consider doing something with the matriarch. He could have taken her for a drive after lunch. That is what I find so draining--having to always entertain her. My husband feels no such obligation.
We have gotten into a debate about our roles with the matriarch here; my husband believes she is an adult and can make her own choices. To some degree, he is right; the matriarch chooses to sit up in her room rather than participate in family life. People tell me that is what very old people do. However, every time I ask the matriarch if she wants to go out or to do something, she does. I know it is selfish on her part seeking to always be entertained but, then, what else can an almost 100 year old person do??? She refuses responsibility for anything but her own rooms and she does take meticulous care of them. Mind, it is not like they can get all that untidy. But, I must emphasize she considers them her responsibility; I only vacuum, take out the garbage and do the toilet when my husband takes her for lunch. But I always feel the matriarch is waiting for someone or something to happen. My husband laughs with me and says I take everything way too seriously. But I don't know how else to take it.
The matriarch doesn't phone her in-laws but expects them to call her; I have told her I would dial for her but she would prefer them to call her. That is selfish. And, that is her nature or character; my husband points out after 10 years of being actively involved with her, I am only discovering this now. I am not just discovering it. But I don't understand why, even at 100, the matriarch would choose to be this way. I mean there are ways to make things easier on oneself; I imagine sitting up in her room all the time to be boring; she could, at least, be down here with us and the piano and the guitar and the children reading. I can't imagine what kind of person she must have been, or what kinds of things she must have gone through, to prefer isolation to family life. I hate to think what kind of mother she must have been.
We have gotten into a debate about our roles with the matriarch here; my husband believes she is an adult and can make her own choices. To some degree, he is right; the matriarch chooses to sit up in her room rather than participate in family life. People tell me that is what very old people do. However, every time I ask the matriarch if she wants to go out or to do something, she does. I know it is selfish on her part seeking to always be entertained but, then, what else can an almost 100 year old person do??? She refuses responsibility for anything but her own rooms and she does take meticulous care of them. Mind, it is not like they can get all that untidy. But, I must emphasize she considers them her responsibility; I only vacuum, take out the garbage and do the toilet when my husband takes her for lunch. But I always feel the matriarch is waiting for someone or something to happen. My husband laughs with me and says I take everything way too seriously. But I don't know how else to take it.
The matriarch doesn't phone her in-laws but expects them to call her; I have told her I would dial for her but she would prefer them to call her. That is selfish. And, that is her nature or character; my husband points out after 10 years of being actively involved with her, I am only discovering this now. I am not just discovering it. But I don't understand why, even at 100, the matriarch would choose to be this way. I mean there are ways to make things easier on oneself; I imagine sitting up in her room all the time to be boring; she could, at least, be down here with us and the piano and the guitar and the children reading. I can't imagine what kind of person she must have been, or what kinds of things she must have gone through, to prefer isolation to family life. I hate to think what kind of mother she must have been.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Money
It sucks to be poor. It must be worse to have worked one's entire life, fall into dementia and have one's family rob one under the guise of providing care. I found the following article in today's Globe and Mail:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/judge-blasts-siblings-for-neglecting-ailing-mother-during-inheritance-fight/article1488862/
The judge seriously criticized the family for their concern for their inheritance rather than for the care of their 87 year old mother. However, he did nothing to actually improve the situation for the old lady. I wonder sometimes what motivates people; money is such a shallow thing; I mean the old eventually die and situations do not go on forever. The matriarch, perhaps, is the exception. In her case, there is no money but what she gets monthly and that goes for lunch, every week, twice a week; what will be left will cover her funeral. I just don't understand what can make people think robbing their parents is somehow okay, can be justified.
Sometimes, I think our youth dominated society tends to think young knows best--and everyone seeks to stay young despite their age. My mother-in-law stopped dying her hair when she was in her late 70s; I didn't know her then but I cannot help but wonder what she thought about a head of black hair and a face lined with wrinkles. I don't dye my hair and I never have; so, I have more gray than most of my family. I don't think that's a bad thing; I am certainly not competing with my children to be younger or cooler. And, of the money situation, when you die, nothing goes with you and I do think what goes around, comes around. Although, I have a hard time believing so many parents put their children through the hell their children put them through at the end of their lives. With the baby boomers aging and their eternal youth, I can only think seniorhood is about to get worse; these people will not admit they are old and will think they are on the cusp of what is about to "be." The matriarch annoys me with her demands and expectations and her failure to recognize she is not the woman she once was; I dread living in a society filled with similarly minded people....
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/judge-blasts-siblings-for-neglecting-ailing-mother-during-inheritance-fight/article1488862/
The judge seriously criticized the family for their concern for their inheritance rather than for the care of their 87 year old mother. However, he did nothing to actually improve the situation for the old lady. I wonder sometimes what motivates people; money is such a shallow thing; I mean the old eventually die and situations do not go on forever. The matriarch, perhaps, is the exception. In her case, there is no money but what she gets monthly and that goes for lunch, every week, twice a week; what will be left will cover her funeral. I just don't understand what can make people think robbing their parents is somehow okay, can be justified.
Sometimes, I think our youth dominated society tends to think young knows best--and everyone seeks to stay young despite their age. My mother-in-law stopped dying her hair when she was in her late 70s; I didn't know her then but I cannot help but wonder what she thought about a head of black hair and a face lined with wrinkles. I don't dye my hair and I never have; so, I have more gray than most of my family. I don't think that's a bad thing; I am certainly not competing with my children to be younger or cooler. And, of the money situation, when you die, nothing goes with you and I do think what goes around, comes around. Although, I have a hard time believing so many parents put their children through the hell their children put them through at the end of their lives. With the baby boomers aging and their eternal youth, I can only think seniorhood is about to get worse; these people will not admit they are old and will think they are on the cusp of what is about to "be." The matriarch annoys me with her demands and expectations and her failure to recognize she is not the woman she once was; I dread living in a society filled with similarly minded people....
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Of Strawberries and Raspberries
Well, we're into March and the mother-in-law has eaten 50 1 litre bags of strawberries and 40+ 1 litre bags of raspberries. It has taken her 5 months but she has done it. And, she has done it with no help from the children. I have a chest freezer completely empty of fruit; there are some frozen broccoli left, bags of spinach and chocolate from last Easter which I figure I had better throw out. But, otherwise, the darn thing is empty. My husband is worried about what his mother is going to eat next week. Can you believe we are talking about a 98 year old lady????
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