You Must Understand She's Old

It begins with a glass of water. Everyday, after breakfast, I bring my mother-in-law a glass of water up to her room. There are ice cubes, the water is cold and she likes to drink it as she eats her potato chips and Werther's for her mid-morning snack. Usually, in the afternoon, the matriarch sleeps; no need for a glass of water and, if I am not home, she has her own bathroom with a sink and she can easily re-fill the glass if necessary. She almost never drinks water in the afternoon; I say almost never because of what happened yesterday and how such an act can drive a person (ie me) crazy.

After lunch, the matriarch took her tea to her room, had more chips, still had the glass from the morning if she needed more water and seemed quite settled. I told her I was taking the children skiing and would be back in a few hours. We live quite close to the ski hills; we go skiing regularly; this was not an unusual event. When I returned home, not even an hour later because it was so cold, the matriarch told me I had left her without any water.

"What happened to your glass and tea cup?"

"I brought them downstairs while you were gone."

"Why would you bring your dishes downstairs and not get yourself a glass of water?"

Implicit in the matriarch's behaviour was the expectation that I would be there to get her what she wanted when she wanted it....even if only a glass of water. I know the woman is 99 but she did not reach that age not knowing how to survive. She also did not reach that age being stupid. It is such a silly act. And, obviously, an act trying to focus attention on herself. It is an act that is a sample of the frustration of living with a senior illustrates. How do we become this way? Why does it happen?

I don't like sympathizing with abusive children of seniors. I hated reading in this morning's New York Times about how people take financial advantage of the elderly. Of course, I am against all that. But I also wonder how one is expected to deal with the habits of the elderly who have become quite selfish. I don't know how to prevent it within myself--God knows if I become like my mother-in-law, I want my children to put me out of their misery. It is just I know seniors who aren't this selfish and I know seniors who are on their way to becoming like this...Is it a world view? What determines the ability of someone to still be unselfish and compassionate as they age?

Demographics determine the changing priorities of society. So, I understand as the baby boom ages, there will be a change in the way seniority is experienced. But, I worry, as the most selfish generation in mankind's history ages, if things will get better or drastically worse. Children institutionalized in daycare centres are hardly going to think twice about institutionalizing their parents and the baby boomers were the first generation to really utilize daycare centres. I mean they were the parents of the first generation of "latch-key" children; children who were expected to entertain themselves in front of a blasting television. I cannot but worry what those children will do to their parents in old age. But I digress...

The matriarch will get her glass of water this morning and I will keep my mouth shut. If there is one thing I am learning it is I have the ability to overcome this and demonstrate to my children there are important lessons to be learned with a single glass of water. I might have to reach a bit to find that level of stoic but caring and unselfish silence, but damnit, I will find it.