Herpes and Cold Sores and Doctor's Offices, Again

The matriarch has an awful cold sore on the upper portion of her lip. She's had it for a few days and, rather than look at it closely, I thought she was trying to put lipstick on and missing. This morning, I realized it was actually a cold sore and asked her if it hurt. There is no pain but it is quite a size. So, I went to the drug sore to get some cream for it and the pharmacist told me I should take the matriarch to the doctor to make sure it wasn't impetigo. I am so scared because the herpes virus took the sight in her right eye and it is the season for chicken pox and I haven't a clue how she picked up this bug. The matriarch is not the type of woman to put things to her mouth or her face. It feels strange to be so worried about this woman who gives my life constant drama; actually, she gives me constant complaint and I obsess on the criticism with a constant dramatic flair. Of all things one worries about, I didn't imagine herpes could be so serious for seniors who have never had chicken pox.

My Husband, his Mother and the Sugar

Yesterday, for whatever reasons, my mother-in-law chose to skip lunch and stay in her room all day. It drove me crazy. I knew something was wrong. We had a snowstorm so none of us went out, the matriarch was annoyed about that; I couldn't do the shopping, so the matriarch is out of chips and I couldn't do anything about that; but, I hadn't a clue why she was so insistent on staying in her room. My husband said not to worry about it. Now, the previous day, I had made the matriarch cream of wheat for breakfast and had poured on a quarter cup of sugar--to say, she ate the whole bowl in record time would be an understatement. Yesterday, I made the same breakfast, but my child offered the sugar and only put on a couple of teaspoons. The children couldn't believe their grandma would get angry over the shortage of sugar. But, the matriarch did--she got up from the table and went to her room and stayed there. The mother-in-law has been here for almost 2 years and sometimes I cannot believe the things that annoy her.

The sugar factor is the only thing I can figure irritated the matriarch; nothing else was done with her or to annoy her. Not that I can figure out, anyhow. So last night, my children made cupcakes and grandma had a couple after supper; then, she watched the news and her television shows and waited for my husband to do her eye drops and bring up her fruit. He brought her two more cupcakes and no fruit. She was angry again. When I said good night, I saw her fruit and sugar deprivation and brought some up to her. I have told my husband his mother likes a bowl of frozen fruit covered with sugar going to bed every night; she likes the syrup and fruit to mix and eats it throughout the night. She never asks for it; she expects it. Sometimes I wonder if people listen to me when I say the woman will eat anything and twice as much if there is sugar on top of it. But I am left wondering about the matriarch. She doesn't ask for sugar or for more sugar; she just becomes angry or annoyed if her sugar requirement doesn't appear. That's not age. But, what do you do?

A New Day, A New Attitude

A woman I talked to today was inspirational; she has had her mother living with her family for four years. It is very hard but they are all still talking to one another and surviving. Mind, the lady's mother is almost 20 years younger than the matriarch but it was reassuring to know other people also try to do the best for their parents regardless of the difficulty. Sometimes, I think we, the middle aged set (I was going to write "young") forget we are headed in the same direction as our parents and we will, one day, replace them on this journey and will have our children take care of us. I want my kids to put me on an island and periodically send in food.

I don't want to be a burden; I don't think the matriarch wants to be a burden. I don't know how one prevents the selfishness that develops and leads to being a burden. At least, I think that is what causes my mother-in-law to want to do nothing and to have every desire appeased. I hate to think she is consciously choosing to live this way. No, correct that; the matriarch cannot live any other way; this habit of being selfish developed long before I came along. There are people I have met in worse shape than the matriarch who are just happy. They just seem pleased to be alive. And, my poor mother-in-law still feels as though she is missing out on something; okay, I think she feels that way. My husband would argue, cynically, she would be happy if she could have a brownie everyday followed by a chaser of pie.

The Dinner Table and All Out War--well, not really, but close, really close....

So the matriarch came flat out and told me my dinner was awful; obviously, the visit with her sister-in-law did not go well. My youngest child stepped up to the plate and said my food was delicious. I think the children are beginning to take sides much to my husband's chagrin...and mine. I know it is immature to feel so angry about my mother-in-law.

Anyhow, the visit with the sister-in-law and her husband went like this: they came and the matriarch remained upstairs in her room; they waited downstairs and did not go up. I sent my middle child up to get the mother-in-law; 10 (!!!!) minutes later, the matriarch came down to greet her guests. Then, they came into my family room to have tea; I did not invite them, I figured the matriarch wanted them upstairs. They loved talking to the children and we served cake with blueberries my youngest had made and tea. The matriarch rocked in a lazy-boy and said nothing. I chatted, too, but I knew the matriarch was not happy. I think her sister-in-law knew, too, and did not care. The matriarch refused cake and tea and an hour and half later said she had to go upstairs to go the washroom and would her sister-in-law and her husband like to come up, too? The matriarch refused dessert so the children knew she wasn't happy; the in-laws stayed upstairs for all of 20 minutes and then they left. The matriarch is under the impression they will be back soon and will take her out for lunch.

The in-laws are taking a weekend trip to somewhere in Michigan and the matriarch is not invited. Her sister-in-law also did not invite the matriarch to come and stay with her. I know the breast cancer scared the woman so I imagine she is putting time in with her husband; one never knows. I do know the time is not going to the matriarch and she is angry. At almost 99, she is jealous of an 80 year old senior who travels and does lunch. Sometimes, it is so hard to explain to people that all the matriarch really wants to do is have a meal out; she would eat out every single day; that doesn't sound like a trial but, trust me, it is. It REALLY, REALLY is.

Held Hostage by my Mother-in-Law

Every second Sunday, the children and I go into the city for a club to which they belong; this has been going on for years. The matriarch came downstairs today and told me her sister-in-law was coming for tea on Sunday. Thus, I have to stay home. My husband is working and is unavailable. I don't mind missing the trip down to the city and the kids don't mind missing their club; however, I resent the fact the matriarch took it for granted I would stay home, serve tea and make a cake. Yes, this visit is not a simple visit. The matriarch is so pleased her sister-in-law is coming for tea and already anticipates the possible dates when she can go to stay with her in-laws. It is terrible to feel so conflicted about a nice thing but it is worse to be taken for granted. I am not the matriarch's servant but as her blindness gets worse and she relies on me more and more I begin to feel taken for granted. And, yet, I know she is not incapable; the woman will get what she wants and needs when I am not around. But, similar to my children when they were babies, I almost know what she wants all the time and she has tended to stop asking me to do or get things; it is as though she knows that I know already what she wants. Uncomfortable as my husband is with this reality, he has noticed it, too. However, he defends her actions with the idea she won't be around forever. The matriarch has been here almost 2 years, the woman is approaching 99; it strikes me this anxiety is not going to go away. To make matters worse, I feel guilty for having the anxiety precisely because the matriarch is almost 99 and going blind and deaf.

The Indignity of Being Old

The matriarch gets asked out a lot for lunch; people phone me to see if I need a break and volunteer to take her out. It is very generous towards me and terribly rude towards the matriarch. But for her sister-in-law, not once has someone phoned the matriarch and invited her to lunch. When I relay invitations, the matriarch always says no. She does not need to be babysat; she resents the fact people assume I am her guardian; she is an individual deserving of some respect. I think people who have never dealt with old people as individuals fail to see that their identity remains intact despite what happens to their body. It is awful watching an old lady age before my eyes, each day I see her body shrink a little bit more but I know every comment and opinion my mother-in-law offers to me is a reminder there is still a person in that very old, withered body. Sometimes I wish that when people are kind to me, they would be kinder to her.

Easily Pleased

Every Saturday, my husband takes his mother out for fish and chips. She begins the day with anticipation, has a shower and does her hair. Around 1, the matriarch comes downstairs and puts on her boots, coat and makes sure she has money in her purse. Then, she sits on the bench to wait for my husband. No matter how fast the man tries to be, she is always ready to go first.

They do lunch.

Then, they come home and the first thing the matriarch says to me is "I won't be needing supper, I just had a lovely lunch. Maybe some peanut butter and jam on toast."
Then, she falls asleep in her chair for most of the afternoon. The event is the highlight of her week.