Lunch with An Audience (and a Rant in conclusion, easily skipped)

Today, we went to Montanas and the children all said a prayer of "Thank you."  Chicken is no longer welcome in our home.

The matriarch has no teeth and that reality does not prevent the ambition to eat formerly favoured foods.  Today, my mother-in-law ordered a hamburger--no bun, she wasn't that ambitious--fries, a salad (don't ask where that desire came from, she can't chew lettuce), a fudge brownie sundae and tea.  We're not regulars at Montanas so the waitress, kind young woman, stayed in the periphery to watch the mother-in-law eat.  And, the matriarch knew she was there.  Remember the adage: Moms have got eyes in the back of their heads?  My mother-in-law knows what is going on behind her no matter what.  She ate every little bit of her lunch--no leftovers and then said to me, "I bet that girl wasn't expecting me to finish."  She was probably right.

There aren't a lot of seniors out and about like my mother-in-law.  Everyone can tell she is old and needs help but most people realize, after they have met her, she is healthy, opinionated and still independent in her thoughts.  Yes, she drives me crazy and the waves of dementia scare me but what do you do?  Put her in a home and pretend it's not happening or that staff are trained to make it more comfortable?  It is never comfortable to lose your mind; I think that frustration makes some seniors violent.  I don't know I am not a doctor.  Our family can do what we think is best in conjunction with what my mother-in-law wants and with which the doctors agree.  I know my mother-in-law would leave if she had a boyfriend who could still drive a car; going out for rides is her priority, it's nothing personal.

The fact nothing the matriarch does is personal is very hard to live with...I often can't get it through it my head.  Probably a number of my posts indicate my emotional confusion.  However, my husband and I do feel the fact the matriarch has personal care is what is keeping her healthy and alive.  Personally, I don't think you could buy that no matter the well-wishes of the home or the staff--but that is just my opinion.  And, my opinion is as respected as any other stay-at-home Mom who earns no income, has no pension and apparently is easily replaced with daycare and senior care institutions.  Just a bit of a rant...I won't get political again.

The Thing about Credit Cards

Christmas means one credit card; everything bought is put on the almighty mastercard and the bill is paid in January.  Discovering said credit card was not in my purse Christmas Eve was bothersome but hardly a worry.  It had to be in my purse.  Discovering said credit card was still missing on December 28 was a moment of panic; my oldest child told me to calm down and methodically went through my wallet and my purse.  To be told, "It's not here," by a second person was a moment of hysteria.

Fortunately, I had been to only one store Christmas Eve: Zehrs.  But, no one had found or turned in a mastercard.  There were perplexed looks from the Zehrs staff;  why would I be looking for a misplaced credit card four days after I had noticed it missing?  One would think I would have acted sooner.  Obviously.  Over Christmas and Boxing Day.  But as so many other stay at home women know, my husband would not be happy for me to have lost a credit card and go through the nonsense of having to get another.  My husband, in particular, would not be happy for me to have lost it again in as many months.  However, to defend myself, the first loss was more of an "eaten by the washing machine" than the current panic.  But there was also a reality, besides Zehrs, I had only been to my parents' and the children and I were agreed I hadn't taken my purse into their house.  Naturally, I gave the van a thorough clearing out, a complete cleaning including under the seats and failed to find the credit card.   I should now remind everyone that in our house whoever has the van has the matriarch.

It never occurred to me that the matriarch would start to go through my purse as part of her dementia--even as I write I find it hard to believe.  However, before calling the bank, I took her for her drive and stopped to get gas.  I took the funds from my wallet and went and got the gas for the van.  When I returned, my lovely credit card was on top of my purse.  No words were said, no explanations given; just me, relieved, wondering where the mastercard had come from... it never occurred to me that my mother-in-law may have had it.  Maybe she found it under the seat while waiting for me to get gas; maybe she expected a thank you.  I don't know but when I came in and told my children, they wondered why grandma had had it.  I had made them clean the van first and I had gone through it a second time;  the card was definitely not in my purse and probably not in the van.  I can't be 100 per cent sure for which I am grateful.  My mother-in-law, the one of a few years ago, would have been mortified to know I thought she went through my purse; the one I live with is more of a curious sort...

Christmas Day

It was a lovely Christmas Day...although, my soup did turn out, my turkey was tough and the matriarch forgot she didn't eat anything but sweets on Christmas Day.  But she was happy with four night gowns from Santa, the children were delighted with clothes and books and my husband didn't get the joke Santa played--a book on the search for truth in the modern world told in comic book form.

My parents came for dinner and they played cards with the children the better part of the afternoon; my father thought the kids would appreciate learning how to play cribbage and they spent most of the afternoon doing just that.  The matriarch kept wanting to play but she could not see the cards and it frustrated the life out of her not offering my father a real challenge.  She used to be quite the card shark in her day.  Of course, she never played to win--at least, that is what she kept saying to me, but one gets the feeling she didn't like losing either.

A quick word about dishes...my good set is Royal Albert "Country Rose."  My husband gave the set, a complete formal setting for 8, to my mother-in-law for Christmas one year.  When she moved in, she gave it to me.  Now, the matriarch also gave me my old good china about twenty years ago.  It was a second hand setting for 12 she bought in 1939; so, my old good dishes are almost 100 years old.  They are beautiful: hand-painted and embossed china rescued from England at the start of World War 2.  My children and their friends have never had a party without them; in the whole of my children's lives, they have never had a party without china.  My friends used to say I was crazy to let the children use the dishes but not once has a piece been broken.  My neighbour's aunt left her a similar set and she gave it to me--so I have the ability to have a formal dinner for 24: soup bowls, bread and dessert plates, main dishes, platters-you name it...except for a missing tea cup. My mother-in-law did not use the dishes when she owned them.  She would get them down for Christmas dinner and put them away straight after.  She told me the stories of carefully boxing them up after each holiday, wrapping each individual plate, cup and saucer in a bit of paper and putting them carefully away.  In all that lack of use, she only broke 1 tea cup.  My kids have had parties where every dish was used; if we ran out of dessert plates, bread plates, dinner plates, we would move on to soup bowls.  No one has broken anything and I tend to think it makes a good family story; even if the dishes get broken, so what?  Better to fall apart from family use than to have no memories of them being used at all.  So this Christmas, I set a formal breakfast table with the old good china and a formal dinner table with the Royal Albert and served courses to match.  The matriarch who couldn't really see either set was so proud to know all her dishes were being used..I think it may have been the highlight of her Christmas.

Who is Going to Die???

On the drive to Swiss Chalet today, the matriarch said to me, "Well, 3 people in the family died this year.  Who do you think will go next?"

It was a bizarre moment; I thought, "Chances are you will."
However, the longer one is alive the less likely one is to die.  Oddly, it's like being hit by lightening, your odds increase of being hit again simply because you have been hit once already.  The longer you are alive the greater your chances of continuing to live?  Maybe the matriarch sees herself as immortal?  She has told me she feels she is getting old--at almost 99. It seems so strange.  Anyhow, the staff at Swiss Chalet came over to wish her a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  Sometimes, I feel like we have a private booth at that place.  We are the definition of regulars, always a Wednesday, always in the afternoon.  The children have noticed she doesn't eat as much, leaving remnants of dessert rather than completely clearing the plate.  It is still amazes me to watch her.  And, both my husband and I have noticed she tends to favour the blind eye, leaning to the right as she attempts to put food on her fork.  Why would she favour the blind side?  But, I still see her eat like a horse despite my children's observations--still takes the fruit to bed and now wants peanut butter cookies, too.  Maybe the odds are on people who eat continually....

Naps and Attempted Rape

Most of the time, the matriarch is fine; mornings are great. But, after lunch, it can be seen in her face that she is slowing down; I take her for drives in the afternoon and she often falls asleep.  My children used to fall asleep in the car when they were little and in some ways, the matriarch is very like them.  Afternoon naps are good for the very old and the very young. 

In the twenties, the owner of a hotel in my mother-in-law's hometown attempted to rape her.  She fought him off and told him she wasn't that kind of girl.  The matriarch didn't quit her job and the owner of the hotel apparently never bothered her again but she remembers that afternoon as though it was yesterday.  She had never told my husband about the event and it was terrible to see it still bothered her eighty years later.  Later, when she was seventeen, the matriarch married her first husband; he was an alcoholic and beat her for almost fifteen years. He would get drunk, break all the mirrors in the house and then go after her.   When the Second World War broke out, he enlisted and she waved him off with the promise that if he returned the same man, she would leave him.  The matriarch told me that she had looked at herself in the mirror the day her husband enlisted and made a decision that she wanted a life without being hit.  She had elementary school education, lived in a farming community, and had no prospects but a lifetime of abuse. But, she knew she could do better. When her husband was sent overseas, she moved to Toronto and got a job doing laundry.  Eventually, she divorced him; in 1947, she became a known adulterer because it was easier to get the divorce on the grounds of female adultery than for reasons of battery.  No man ever hit her or threatened her sexually again.  My mother-in-law considers this an accomplishment in her life.

End of Holidays

My mother-in-law forgot my husband had been on holidays and had to return to work. Just like that, she forgot he had been home with her for almost the whole week. She wanted to know where he had gone this afternoon. I had to remind her everything is normal, my husband will be home after he goes to work and the children and I are still here. The poor woman had a shaken look--just for a moment and then reality reasserted itself. The dementia isn't constant; sometimes, my mother-in-law is as right as rain and everything is normal and right and then a curtain falls and someone else is there with a vague look in her eye. We have a doctor's appointment for early January.

It is causing tremendous stress between my husband and me. It is as though there is a debate between us: the matriarch is more normal with me than with you. Rationally, I know my mother-in-law is more calm, more focused when she is with my husband. But I also believe my husband sees what he wants to see and excuses a lot of my mother-in-law's behaviour. My oldest child has become upset about the situation and I don't think my husband understood how much until this weekend. And, even then, he shrugged it off. I know it is about to get very hard. I, at least, talk to people who are in or who have been in similar situations, and I feel somewhat prepared; my husband keeps saying his mother will die before she gets too bad. I don't know which he sees as worse his mother's dementia or her death. He doesn't talk about either and retreats into himself.

My husband's birthday is after Christmas; my youngest child's was last week. If the matriarch is to die around the holidays, I feel awful wishing it would happen sooner rather than later. I don't want her to die now but I would rather she die now than on Christmas or on my husband's birthday. Then, of course, this could all be moot and she could go on for years...I am trying to be pragmatic on one level but living with the constant worry about how the matriarch will behave or if she will die is awful. One cannot get used to it. Age is not an illness; funny, how the old can be institutionalized as though they can recover from age. It feels strange to have the shadow of death as a constant presence in my house. The anticipation is always there but I also think about my own death a lot. Ironically, in some ways, it has made me more fearless about my life. I am learning to ski and I am going to get the children a dog.

Christmas Shopping

Taking a 98 year old woman shopping at Christmas time is an adventure in hazard control.  People who have toys on their mind do not have time to say, "Excuse me."

My mother-in-law and I went to Sears for under garments for her; just a note, full-length slips are going out of style.  My mother-in-law got into a discussion with the sales clerk about what she was going to do next year.  She wears a slip like a petticoat, under everything, and is rather concerned about her future options.  The sales lady looked at her and I don't think knew what to say.  I mean the reality is the matriarch may not be here next year...but, then again, she could be here.  I think sometimes I get so caught up in the possibility of her death that I forget every day is also a day in her life.  The sales lady told the matriarch to come back in the spring and see if things have changed, maybe the buyers will have ordered more slips.  I think she was at a loss at what to say.  I did not know what to say; they also no longer sell the type of underwear my mother-in-law likes.  Years and years ago, women used to wear a boxer type undergarment; it was feminine and comfortable and like shorts, they are also out of style.  The old aren't much for shopping regularly but they are consistent when they do shop and they don't like change.  At least, the matriarch is like that...

After the slip adventure, I had to take the matriarch back to the car to drive down to the mall guest office to buy gift cards for the children.  There was no way she could walk through the mall, she was nearly in tears they didn't have chairs to rest in at Sears.  The matriarch left the store in a rush with me following her, carrying packages, thinking "Why are you leaving so fast?  It is icy.  You are blind and haven't a clue where the car is."

There was no parking in the handicapped spots around the mall; there were cars parked in those spots, sometimes 3 in one spot, but none of them with a handicapped sticker. At the start, I had dropped the matriarch off at Sears, brought her into the store, had to go park the van, and then had to rush back to find the matriarch wandering around the store.  For the second part of the visit, my mother-in-law didn't want to get out of the van.  I went into the mall alone and joined the line-up for CadillacFairview gift cards; the 3 women ahead of me were all caretakers for the old and were discussing their situations.  One lady was getting a wheelchair for her 96 year old mother; she told me her mother had once apologized for living so long.  Another lady was a paid care giver to an ill 88 year old; she couldn't take her shopping; the poor senior could barely get out of bed.  I know I am lucky.  The matriarch has enough spirit in her to drive me crazy, to walk where she wants to go and to still have a life.  I can't imagine what it is like to have lived so long and to still want to continue...but in the greater scheme of things, 100 years really isn't that long.

Witness to Misery (or Why I don't Kill my husband)

At dinner, this evening, like 5 minutes ago, my mother-in-law accused me of not feeding my children--ever.  And, my husband, partner, love of my life, began laughing.  The matriarch thinks I am too busy to feed my children breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Thank goodness for my oldest: "We had breakfast!" and for my middle child "We had lunch at the ski chalet!" 

My husband is on holidays this week and it is his turn to do Granny-care and, although it is his mother, there are obvious issues.  So, naturally, I am taking the children all over the place--well, actually, I am taking them skiing all the time; we took a gamble on a cheap pass last summer and I am making sure we get our money's worth in case this wonderful snow disappears.  Anyhow, my husband really enjoys taking care of his mother-please understand I am being sarcastic; they did lunch today at Montana's and she brought home her uneaten ribs so he could have dinner.  He thought this was funny until the matriarch told him, at dinner, he could have something to eat.  My husband pointed out I had made stew and the matriarch responded with a request for peanut butter and jam on toast.  I am trying to be charitable, really, I am.  But I mouthed the words to my husband: "You owe me BIG TIME!"

Of course, these are memory issues and age things and whatever goes on between a mother and her only son, but it is also crazy and distracting.  I get terribly defensive.  I get terribly defensive when I have made a stew and put it in the crock pot so there is nothing to do at dinner time but set the table and the mother-in-law thinks I am asking my husband to do too much.  But, then, she turns around and tells me, not my husband, that I am taking her shopping tomorrow because there are only 9 days left to Christmas and she needs to buy the children their gift cards--please note not gifts, giftcards. 

Of course, to be fair, I smiled at her and told her my husband was taking her shopping because I was taking the children to piano. 

I am reading Dr. Sloan's "A Bitter Pill," a book about the fragile elderly and I so admire his patience and agree with his ideas.  To be honest, as the matriarch ages and she is aging very fast right now, she is becoming extremely cantankerous and independently minded.  But I still have to be kind and patient and not scream and yell that she is an extremely selfish woman.  Imagine coming home from a skiing adventure, kids pink cheeked and happy, smell of Christmas in the air and the first thing the matriarch says is, "I had a wonderful lunch today and I won't be needing dinner."  No concern for what the children got up to, how they were skiing, if they had a nice time.  Dr. Sloan talks about how to take care of the elderly and the elderly person's caregiver but I don't know how to deal with that person inside me that wants to say to the matriarch "You were a selfish woman and you are a selfish woman and you need to get over it NOW!"  I know I can't and I won't but the desire is still there.  The matriarch asked me if I could go to work and my husband retire.  This is what I live with and she thinks it would improve if my husband was home all the time.  Like he would take her for lunch every Wednesday and Saturday??? 

Oh, he probably would....

A Christmas Party

We had our annual Christmas Afternoon Open House yesterday; my mother-in-law stayed down for the whole afternoon.  It was draining on her but I think she had a good time.  All the children had pictures taken with Santa Claus and my mother-in-law did too.  She enjoyed the sweet buffet and wasn't a bother.  It was nice to see her happy although, afterwards, she was tired out.  My husband was talking to his cousin about the matriarch's eyesight; she cannot see one thing in front of her but then she can pick a dime up off the floor--go figure.  It was a lovely afternoon.

The Thing About the Memory...

Alzheimer's, if that is what age-related dementia is, is not a sudden on-set loss of memory; it is a gradual thing and the tragedy of it is that the senior knows what is happening until they don't.  The matriarch's thought processes are not quite that bad; at least, not yet.  She has lost just enough of her recent memory to know she has said something that she has forgotten and, by gosh, she is right whatever she said.  It drives me crazy.  It drives her crazy.  It drives the children crazy.  My mother-in-law asked my children what they were going to bake for Christmas this week.  They told her.  She asked again.  They told her.  She asked a third time and my youngest was left to answer a third time.  The children never lose patience and I am extremely proud of them for that.   And, the mother-in-law knows they are being good; after conversations such as the baking one, she tends to stay downstairs and listen to them practice piano.  Maybe it is instinctual but the matriarch does know we are trying.

I heard two stories about Alzheimers.  A man lived in a decent home and every week, his son went to visit; then, one weekend, the man was waiting at the door with his bag in hand saying he wanted to go home.  The man had never complained before so the son talked to the home.  A decision was made that perhaps the man was bored and needed a job and the home found him one, folding laundry.  Six weeks went by and every weekend, the man would visit with his son quite happy about the new job.  Then, the son met the man at the door again; the man wanted to go home; he hadn't been paid in six weeks.  Sounds like a joke...except I know the son.  He arranged for the home to pay the man in cheques he provided and he cashed for his father.  The home was more than accommodating. 

Second story isn't quite so amusing: my friend's father lives in a home and has terrible consequences from diabetes.  He is on leg braces but his mind is good and he is quite social.  Every afternoon, he is given a sleeping pill.  My friend has been told it is to help with his anxiety; she knew nothing about the pill or about his anxiety and has suspicions about the pill.  I don't know.  I just keep thinking that as much as the matriarch inconveniences me and how sometimes I get terribly depressed about our situation, I don't think in good conscience I could change it.  Our meals are pretty good; despite what the matriarch says about my cooking, she does eat it.  She has company three times a day plus throughout the day and she gets out fairly regularly.  The routine has got to have helped with her mindset; to be losing one's memory at almost 99 has got to count for something.  Tonight, she went to bed with mincemeat tarts, no frozen fruit, after a dessert of fresh made short bread; I don't think a home would let her have the sugar I do--but she is not diabetic (I have no idea why not) and she likes it.

Lunch, Again....

My mother-in-law had lunch out Wednesday with my mother, with the children and me on Friday, with my husband on Saturday and with us again on Sunday.  She wanted to go out again today.  My cooking really isn't that bad; I don't think it is.  Lunch is becoming a bit of an issue.  The children and I are tired of eating out; it's getting expensive and, really, no matter how nice the place, there comes a point where one just wants to eat at home.  Not the matriarch.

On the drive today, the matriarch got to talking about the snow, we've had a little, and how it is going to make driving treacherous.  Not in a mood for pessimism, I told her she better not think so because I won't be going out if she (please note "she") thinks it's dangerous.  The mother-in-law had to pause for a moment; she likes these daily drives.  She has talked about the weather being good for the stevedores, about her first husband's sojourn in the military, about trips to Angus via hitch-hiking, about baking pies and using money to take a bus to Angus when her husband was in the military.  I know she is getting confused, says odd things and repeats similar stories but changes the details of the plot-lines.  But, I am not correcting her anymore and, therefore not frustrating her or myself.  I spoke to a caregiver of someone with serious Alzheimer's and she suggested dealing with my mother-in-law as she is rather than correcting her.  It will be hard ahead.  I have to find the humour in this new reality.

I don't know what a stevedore is;  the lunch routine will have to be changed; I can't rely on my mother-in-law's constancy anymore.  Today, she wanted a brownie until my child made her tea and asked her to come and have the brownie...and the matriarch changed her mind.  But, then, took it to her room and ate it anyhow.  Such is age, I guess...

Maybe I am Wrong?

So, today was a new day with my mother-in-law deciding she wanted to join TOPS.  It is a diet group, Take Pounds Off Sensibly.  I asked "Where did this idea come from?"

My mother-in-law eats a lot, and I mean that seriously, but she is a tiny woman, less than 4'8" and healthy but not heavy.  TOPS apparently does a luncheon for Christmas and she wants to go; I told her she would have to join the group and dieting would not be a good activity for her.  I asked her if she wanted me to phone the company to see if she could join their Christmas Outing.  Her old neighbour, who had told her about TOPS, had failed to mention there was a membership; she had only told my mother-in-law she was going for lunch.  This precipitated two questions a) if the neighbour has diabetes, why is she eating out? and b) what is her husband doing (as in, would he like company for lunch?)?  Eating out is a big deal for my mother-in-law and I am not being derogatory when I say she would live at Swiss Chalet, she really is happiest there.

I wish sometimes I had more sympathy for my mother-in-law; I wish I was wrong about a lot of my thoughts.  But, then, she has been here for a year now and before that, I was her main caregiver for ten years; I used to drive over to her house, sometimes daily, to insure her independence.  She still feels independent here.  Every night before she goes to bed, the family, all of us, kiss her good night and every morning, she is welcomed to the breakfast table; so, I know we try to make it work.  But I also know, a senior who chooses to watch television rather than listen to grandchildren play piano is making their own choice.  I know none of this is personal, how could we live if it was?  But I also know, some habits are ingrained, despite mild dementia, and I don't know if they'd be any different if my mother-in-law was a younger woman.

Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to put her into a home; of course it would because then I wouldn't have to think about her or worry.  I would have to make myself believe she was in good care.  But, I don't believe that and I think, no matter how good a home is, it is not family care.  Because for all these stories and, lately, the difficult times, I honestly love my mother-in-law and I am glad she is here.

Life With a Senior

The thing about old people is, unless they choose to do something productive with their time, they do nothing except think.  Maybe I am being harsh but I have found the happiest seniors are those who look outside themselves and not just at the grandchildren; it is amazing how great and how large the world can be if one just looks beyond the mirror.  The matriarch had a lovely lunch with my mother yesterday; she came home with plans to do it again.  Today.  I really don't think my mother-in-law understands, rationally understands, people have lives when they are not with her.  Maybe solipsism is a sign of dementia, I don't know, but I had to explain to my mother-in-law that people cannot go out for lunch everyday: they don't want to, they have other obligations, they can't afford it.  It was like an insult to her.

I am dreading taking her to the doctor again.  The dementia is getting worse and I think more activity makes it so but I hate having to discuss the situation with the doctor in front of her.  It is better for the matriarch to get out.  But I notice whenever I take her for a drive, her eye gets red and swollen and looks painful but she says there is no pain.  Is it the dementia or a willingness to put up with pain rather than lose the daily drives?  Whenever we do lunch, always on a Wednesday, she wonders if we can do it again on the Friday because we haven't been out all week.  Has she forgotten my husband takes her for lunch on Saturdays or that we were just out or she just wants another day?  Dementia is weird when it strikes the very old; my mother-in-law cannot draw a twelve hour clock, she stops at five; she usually gets the dates wrong, but not the day of the week; she anticipates events that have already happened, like the wedding, but worries about the future, like dinner tomorrow.  And, I know she won't like me talking about her changes with someone, even her doctor who is a very nice man, outside of the family.

The last odd thing that is becoming more frequent is my mother-in-law's responses to questions; she says: "I have a clear conscience."  I haven't a clue why she has chosen to use that phrase.  She has told me she has no regrets in her life and she sleeps easily.   There are things I know she has done which I would seriously regret but I have a very different moral code.  Maybe our morals and acceptance of things change as we age; I understand our sympathies grow but I wonder about our conscience; I have thoughts that sometimes keep me awake.

The Eyes, Again...

My mother-in-law telephoned an old neighbour of her's today, just to chat, and she got off the telephone more depressed than I have seen her for a while.  The neighbour is going blind; her eyes are bleeding for some reason and need to be cauterized; actually, I don't know if they are going to be cauterized but she is going to have emergency laser treatment next week.  Unlike my mother-in-law with her herpes of the eye that was curable, the neighbour has diabetes and has failed to maintain a healthy diet.  This sugar habit really seems to affect seniors!  Anyhow, it got the matriarch thinking of how she is going to maintain her independence if she is blind.  Not to point out the obvious, but she really isn't independent now...I didn't say that to her; I asked her if she had plans to go dancing?  What exactly did she want to do that being blind would somehow prevent her from doing?  She had to think for a minute.  Sometimes, you really have to wonder about people.  I have been cutting up the matriarch's meat at dinnertime for awhile; I cannot say it started because of her sight but it is not like something new will be happening.  The constant darkness may be new and I know frightening, but she is here and we won't suddenly stop helping her. 

The matriarch went on to tell me her neighbour will never see her son again, 'see' in the visual sense; the son lives in the prairies and the neighbour will be blind before he ever returns to Ontario.  I wanted to say, but didn't, the son has lived in the prairies for forty years and has never been back to visit.  I wanted to say, but didn't, that my mother-in-law is so very lucky to be wanted by family.  She knows a lot of people who aren't so lucky.

It never rains but it pours: I also think the matriarch is going deaf; it figures, the body is failing more quickly than the spirit.  At lunch, today, food on the table lunchtime, one of my children revealed plans to buy the film 'Snatch' for my husband.  The matriarch heard the word "lunch" and said, "Yes, we could go to lunch."
And the child responded, "Not lunch, 'Snatch.'"
Then Grandma said, "I don't want a snack but we could go to Swiss Chalet for lunch."
To which I responded, "No, we're eating lunch now."
And, the matriarch got annoyed because no one was understanding her.  Then, I told her my parents were taking her to Swiss Chalet tomorrow and her humour cleared till she made the phone call.  I don't imagine life will be that different when the matriarch is blind; the staff at Swiss Chalet are very good and she'll be fine as long as she can do lunch.  (Though to be honest, I am back eating the bags of chipits and have a stash of turtles for nights like this one...)