Sacrifice

Okay, this may be a little controversial but I think it may be something important to write, and it will be awkward: I don't like having the matriarch here but it is the right thing to do.

My home is a prison with her here; we cannot travel, we cannot go out, someone must always be accountable to her presence and her need. For what it is worth, the matriarch has abdicated some of the responsibility for her self and that has made the burden harder but it still must be carried. It is a sacrifice the family is making for a moral good; if my husband and I do not do the hard stuff, how will my children? And, people can observe and pretend we do it with joy in our hearts, but it is hard and difficult and, at times the children resent it, and it would be easier to put her in a home and visit on weekends and not worry about her diet, her feelings and her laundry. Sometimes I think our society has a habit of putting problems away and not thinking about them; hidden, they do not go away.

I am a great follower of Ivan Illych, an American thinker who used to be a priest. He had a tumour he refused to have removed and died with it painfully still on his face. For the longest time, I couldn't see the point of his suffering and, as I cope with the matriarch, it occurs to me I understand now. There is a value to a burden and if we fail to acknowledge the importance of the effort to carry one, we diminish everything. It is a parallel feeling to hard work, that sense of accomplishment that comes when a hard day's work is done. I don't know if many understand the feeling anymore; truly and completely understand what it is do something truly hard and difficult.

There are parallels to the situation of the matriarch and the role of parenting; of course, children are not the burden the matriarch is. However, their roles in our lives have similar responsibilities. At least, they do in my life. It is not enough to feed and clothe these little people; they must be encouraged to grow as responsible adults, to become creative people and to learn the value of hard work, effort, even of practice. Parenting is a different type of prison but it is a subversion of one's individual rights for someone else; a parent must do what is right for the child at the cost of what may be wanted by the adult. I guess that is why I harbour no excuses for people who may choose to drink or smoke or do drugs; there is no excuse for the endangerment of child. Do what you want outside of their presence, but once a child is present, their needs and desires come first. Anyhow, the longer I think about these things, I realize I live in a world where the idea of being imprisoned, of sacrificing my rights as a person, is seen as wrong.

There is a tendency to expect more out of institutions than the effort we put in; I could leave the matriarch in a home to live by the bell and the routines needed by the control of the many. It is just easier to feed a group en masse than to deal with individual wants and desires. Yes, I hate the constant request by the matriarch for more bananas but I still get them for her. Her wants, needs and desires would not change if she was in a home; they would just be silenced. And, I couldn't live with myself if she had to live like that. So, if I must choose to sacrifice myself for her to live more comfortably, so be it. There are worse things to bear...