Home Forever

Sometimes, it is so hard with the matriarch; I feel she does some strange things on purpose and to drive me crazy. My friend was over yesterday and made the point that maybe my mother-in-law acts the way she does to retain control of some sort over her life. She does live in my home, she does eat in my kitchen, she does expect me to do all the work--because she can't. It must be awful to no longer have control, no direction in one's life and live at the discretion of someone else. I feel so guilty. My friend, whose grandmother lived with her family for 12 years, said her mother used to get depressed, too, but there was not a lot to be done. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to care for an older person, too. Maybe it would be easier if more family were involved but there is no family; distant cousins and nieces and nephews do not seem to feel the same obligations and my mother-in-law certainly does not seem to want them around.

I found this article in the New York Times about an 98 year old woman evicted from the Carnegie Artists' Apartments:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/28/nyregion/28carnegie.html

Aside from the information about the building's demolition, there does not seem to be a recognition that this 98 year old woman was still living independently and participating with her neighbours despite her age. Sometimes I listen to the ads about how to live longer and younger and I see vibrant communities with purpose destroyed in the same of what is perceived as something better. All that is old is replaced with something new as though that is somehow better, more important and the wealth of the old, the traditions and so forth are lost. It reminds me of the bloody chili sauce and the knowledge, the recognition, that I am going to have to make it.

One thing my friend and I did disagree over was the way youth is celebrated; what does it matter if the old still dye their hair into their 70s? I guess I think it is that pretense at youth that makes it so much harder to accept old age and all the consequences of life that goes with it. My friend says it doesn't matter; we just now accept old people who look younger. And, I guess, that is my problem: people who look younger tend to act younger and I mean immaturely. Or, maybe, I am being stupid; it is okay for seniors to behave the way they want, they have earned the right. My expectations are warped, I guess. But my problems can be summed up in my experiences with my half-blind, half deaf mother-in-law who wants to make this chili sauce. She can no longer make it, no one eats it and I will have to go through the motions only to throw it out--what does it matter? Well, the matriarch can also no longer taste it-- my proof is in the plethora of empty sugar bowls around here, another pound of sugar on its way today,--do I expect the matriarch to understand she has physically changed and not the sugar and vegetables used to make the chili sauce? I think pretending to be young makes it more difficult to be old. We live in this world that changes so fast we think the world is altering daily and, yet, I think, we pretend to stay the same. I guess that is my problem: we do change as we age and that is okay and good, pretending not to makes the whole process worse. I wish my mother-in-law would realize we no longer eat the chili sauce but it has been replaced by homemade salsa and that fact commemorates her tradition of homemade pickling. It is a weird sort of paradox to be living with--this idea of change and stasis and jars of chili sauce that will be floating around my house for years to come.