Here are some pictures of the elderly in China courtesy of the Globe and Mail in Toronto:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/asia-pacific/chinas-growing-elderly-population/article1786391/
Of course, in this blog, I complain about taking care of my mother-in-law; it is hard, it is never ending and the woman doesn't like me. Let's focus on the last part of that statement: "the woman doesn't like me." Forget about the implications towards me, think about my mother-in-law's role in the sentence. The "woman" has an opinion, feelings, prejudices, something she "dislikes." Do you think it matters?
It is so easy to forget that my mother-in-law's opinions do matter; whatever I am feeling, at 99, she has earned the right to be mean, critical or happy and generous; in fact, except for her age, she is just like you and me. A friend sent me an email suggesting I put the matriarch in a respite centre for a weekend and have a break. Like putting a dog in a kennel for a weekend away? Like she wouldn't know? Like her opinion wouldn't matter? For all my griping, I do believe it is important for an old person to be with their family rather than warehoused in an institution, even a lovely one, to wait to die. There is something terrible about doing the best for the elderly without their consultation--is it the best if it is not what they want? Is it more important to satisfy a health need than an emotional one? It is ugly what I feel at times, but more importantly, much of the matriarch's misery is of her own making; twenty years, I have known the woman and she never called a person to just say "Hi" and, now, everyone is dead, and she cannot know and she is immensely lonely. I don't which is worse thinking you are neglected or knowing you are alone.
I cannot just put the matriarch in a place for a weekend and have time with my family and exclude her--that seems like an oxymoron. And, yes, this situation just seems to be going on forever--who would have thought their mother-in-law would live till 99; it is hysterical with the eye specialist...it is almost as though he cannot believe the matriarch is still alive and coming to see him. He isn't a very nice man and there is something peculiarly ironic going to see him. Anyhow, I can't just shut the matriarch away and forget she is a human being with feelings. At some point, I am afraid I could be 99 and end up like her and I wouldn't want my family not to bring me strawberries and 10 pounds of sugar at night.
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I totally agree with you in that the elderly are not pets :)
ReplyDeleteI would like to say though that respite care is a necessary and needed component in caring for the young and elderly with demanding needs. It is a means for families to have a break, for caregivers (and other family members) to put their needs first. It is not a pushing away of the individual or an exclusion, it is a way to become renewed and refreshed to give them a more caring environment. This is not a negative thing, unless you listen to the little voice in your head saying you are being selfish...and really what does that little voice know anyway??
It's always said that is takes a village to raise a child, I think the same should be said about our elderly. Caregivers are not super humans never needing anything and can take it all, unless of course that is what you've chosen for yourself.
I read recently that the current situation you find yourself in is a direct result of your thoughts...food for thought :)