Things that Can't be Changed

Before our adventure down South, while in the car nonetheless, the matriarch revealed to me she thought she had a kidney infection. And, could I make her a doctor's appointment?

There occurred one of those pauses when I thought to myself, this is about to become one very, long drive. My husband shook his head. I said to the matriarch, because I was irritated, why didn't you tell me earlier in the week? I could have made you a doctor's appointment. Are you okay to drive to Waterloo?

The reality is the woman is an adult and she is allowed to make her own decisions; just because someone gets old and annoying, it doesn't mean I, another adult, have the right to take over all their decisions. I can't just suddenly to put aside the fact she is an adult. I am not allowed to suddenly act as though she doesn't have the rights and responsibilities of an adult. However, it does mean that I, another adult, am responsible for her decisions and their consequences. The best example is money; I cannot just go into the matriarch's account and withdraw money, it is her's therefore permission is required. And, she can buy a purple elephant for all she wants because, unless someone determines she is mentally unfit and should require guidance with her money, she can do whatever she wants with it. And, the purple elephant comes to my home. I don't care about the money. I do care about a 4 hour drive that is going to require a number of stops and the curiousity as to why the matriarch would want to come knowing she needs to keep having rest stops. Because the matriarch expects her meals to be made, in reality refuses to feed herself, and, because she will not stay with my parents, the matriarch forces my family to accept her decision to come to South Western Ontario with us and the consequence of having a four hour drive extended.

When we got home, at 9 o'clock in the evening, while eating dinner, I said to the matriarch, Why didn't you tell me about your kidney infection earlier in the week?

Because it was a sore back and I wasn't sure.

When were you sure?

Well, I always feel full after I pee like I still need to go. My bladder isn't emptying out.

How long has it been like this?

Ooh, I don't know since last week. No, wait for sure, I knew Wednesday for sure.

Why didn't you tell my husband and he could have taken you to the doctor's?

Well, you're (meaning me) so busy I didn't think you'd have time.

My husband could have made the appointment, at least. We will always take you to the doctor.

But you (meaning me) have so little time to go the doctor's.

So you decided to tell me today when you knew I had to go to Waterloo (the trip was for one of my children and canceling was not an option.) You told me in the car.

Well, you had to know.

You could have told me yesterday. You didn't have to come today. You could have stayed with my parents.

But I wanted the ride.

So, we enter into the paradox of age. An elderly adult just doesn't forfeit their independence and their right to make their own decisions. But, they also need help with their growing age and their acceptance of it. I think this paradox is going to become a bigger problem as more seniors, the baby boomers, become old. One cannot just say, this must be done and expect a senior to accept it.