Of Dance Recitals

There have been 2 dance recitals for my children, so far. And their grandmother has been to both; she really can't see and probably can't hear and, yet, she wanted to attend at a theatre that has no air conditioning, stairs to the washroom, and line-ups to get in to the show. You have to admire a woman of 98 who has such stamina. My husband tried to talk his mother out of coming to the second recital because she had already been to the first; he really thought the heat would be too much for her. But, when the matriarch makes up her mind, she tends to stick to her decision. I am glad she came if only for my children's memories of their almost 100 year old grandmother attending their childhood dance recitals.

Old Furniture

This morning I made the worst mistake ever since my mother-in-law moved in with us: I forgot she was in the room while I was on the telephone and I made a joke about her not dying. I nearly died when I remembered her at the kitchen table. It was an unforgivable act. When I told my husband of the oversight, he shrugged and said "Isn't that what happens to the old? They are like the furniture."

It is awful to think that way. No matter my complaints, I do still try to see the matriarch as an individual, a very old person and not a piece of furniture--but I forgot her presence in the kitchen this morning. Now, I see how easy it is for the old to lose their dignity; if we refuse to acknowledge them, how can they retain it? It must be very hard for workers in seniors' homes to recognize that humanity on a daily basis. I feel so guilty and can only promise myself it will not happen again; I will try every day, even it must become a mantra to live by: "My mother-in-law is a human being."

Growing Old

The matriarch is suffering with the heat. We do not have air conditioning but there is a nice breeze throughout the house. She is not eating and is generally lethargic; but it is 30 degrees celcius outside, we are all generally lethargic.

We went to my mother's for dinner tonight and the matriarch was just plain uncomfortable; you don't know what to do in some ways. I know it is uncomfortable but the matriarch wanted a night out, my children wanted to see their other grandparents, sometimes I want to see my parents. So much of our life is circumscribed by the matriarch's presence. I am not calling her a burden, I am saying it is hard to live with her needs all the time. I try to satisfy her needs but I must also satisfy my children's. My poor husband gets left out and as the matriarch ages, he seems to become more annoyed at my neglect. No, that doesn't sound right. He is watching his mother shrink and we all hate waiting for her to die and, as awful as that sounds, there is nothing else to do. Gosh, this sounds so depressing.

This isn't funny but the matriarch nearly fell out of the car at my parents' and when my husband tried to help her, she told him she could see what she was doing and no, she wasn't dizzy as she wandered down the driveway away from the house. You know the matriarch is almost blind and very old but she is still beyond stubborn and determined.

I kid you not...

My husband offered to take me out to dinner this week, just the two of us. We never seem to be able to get some time together. He offered because his company gave him a restaurant card for a particular restaurant. Okay. Not quite romantic but I figured a night out for the two of us anyhow. The company gave us a free meal at Swiss Chalet. I looked at my husband. He couldn't possibly be serious. In a huff, I told him to take his mother.

Letters to Juliet

The children and I went to see this film yesterday and it was lovely; there is something terribly romantic about finding true love in one's seventies. I don't quite think my children thought so, but I did. My husband is the product of the matriarch's second marriage; but, I suspect her third husband was her true love. She divorced him in her nineties but we suspect his personality changed because of an undiagnosed stroke. He was 12 years younger than the matriarch and they married when she was 89; it cost us a lot of money because my husband thought he was a gold-digger-which he probably was-and we owned the house in which they refused to live when they married. The house was in a senior's community, it hadn't cost much but it was all we had at the time; I suspect the matriarch might have been living here longer had we not bought it. We had to sell it at a loss. Anyhow, the matriarch and her husband bought another house and went to Hawaii and used to dance to big band records in their living room. It all changed quite quickly a few years into the marriage when the husband's personality altered. But it is still nice to think of what made her happiest; it is still nice to think the matriarch had moments when she was truly happy and that she can still remember them.

God's Waiting Room

The Globe and Mail has an article on the suffering of depression by seniors in old age homes:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/depression-common-in-seniors-facilities-study-finds/article1576466/

The comments are really interesting as most people seem to have a "no shit, Sherlock" approach to the facts; of course, a number of seniors are depressed in senior care facilities: they are waiting to die. There can be any number of euphemistic names for senior homes but they are still waiting rooms and those who live in them, no matter how well-intentioned family members are, know they have been removed from the everyday value of existence and put in a storage facility. It doesn't matter what your life is like if you are the one choosing to live it; I think it becomes a whole other ball game, if a person must live according to another's schedules and rules. Who wants to do that?

The matriarch's expectations drive me crazy but, at least, she has them and every morning gets up with a smile on her face; I know she has periods of depression. She gets very sad when people don't phone her. However, she still likes going out to eat weekly ( even if I am sick of going with her)and getting her nails or her hair done and still goes to the blood clinic to get her poke. She has a life; I, personally, think it would be more valuable if she chose to do something rather than wait for me to encourage her to go out, go for a drive, put on her television, listen to the radio but I do think there is some salvation in the fact she is living her life. I may not agree with her always sitting up in her room but she does have the right to make a choice. Maybe homes can not offer seniors that idea of choice: they can offer platitudes and activities to take up time, but they cannot offer the freedom of individual responsibility and the right to make individual choice. How could they? They are group facilities.

I don't know the best way to die; my friend's grandmother, a little younger than the matriarch, is dying; she is refusing solid foods and subsisting on liquids. However, her body has still, yet, to fail; I imagine the agony of that. The matriarch can still annoy me because she is still an individual human being and I still see her that way, the whole family sees her as a participant, not a burden (yes, I know I have made comments to the contrary, let me have my moment). I imagine what I want...when I am old, I don't want to wear purple or red hats or belong to book clubs. I don't want to go out for lunch all the time, or to be prodded and poked and take innumerable pills. I don't want discounts on trips and daily adventures to the local casino. I don't know what I want. But, when I am old, I like to think I would want the freedom to go to the library and the museum and the corner store and the ability to chat with friends and help my grandchildren. I hope to still be around people who like me or make the effort to pretend. I hope to bake cookies for my neighbours and breads for my husband and I hope to be able to look in the mirror and still like what I see. I hope I will still have hope.

A Letter from the Queen

My mother-in-law told my husband she would get a letter from the Queen on her birthday after next. She got one from the Prime Minister when she turned 95 and wasn't that impressed. I don't know if it was the fact it was from Stephen Harper or a general disillusion with government; she is looking forward to the one from the Queen.

My husband looked at me, "You know what this means..."

She fully expects to live another year.

What awful thoughts fill my head; the woman could outlive us all.

Lunch Out, Not

The matriarch refused to go out for lunch on Sunday; she didn't want to which is fine but she tried to tell me it was my children's fault. I beg your pardon? Basically, the matriarch understands the children are tired of going out for lunch and she no longer wants to eat out with them. Okay, I understand this is partially true; we are all sick of going out to eat--all except the matriarch, but I don't think anything the children have done would have indicated their boredom with the restaurant trips. They come along without complaint. The matriarch wants to continue to eat out just she doesn't want the children's company. I asked her if she wanted to eat out twice a week with my husband who is really and truly sick of fish and chips; she said I could come too. I told her that wasn't going to happen; it's the four of us with her or no one.

My girlfriend and I got talking about selfishness the other night; my husband is reconciled to the fact his mother has always been selfish; I am still frequently astounded by her obliviousness to anyone else's feelings. My friend's mother-in-law favours one of her children and does not understand why the parents may be a tad bit upset; if it's obvious to the children, the parents think the favouritism has gone too far. The thing both of us were wondering about was selfishness. I don't think anyone understands what selfishness is until they are asked to make a sacrifice for someone else. Probably, my mother-in-law doesn't see herself as selfish; she does pay for lunch every time, after all, and so, in a way, she figures she is making a huge sacrifice financially. Admittedly, five out for lunch is not cheap. But I also think my mother-in-law does not consider the social cost of lunch out all the time; the children could be doing something else--something fun or more interesting. They are making a huge sacrifice with their time for her. I don't think my mother-in-law recognizes this and, I would argue, she feels entitled to their time; she is their elder, after all.

My friend suggests once someone is selfish, unless they learn differently, they are always going to be selfish. They will continue blithely along that path their whole life. There is also the confusion about martyrdom; sacrificing oneself because one thinks or believes one is doing something unselfish is also a form of selfishness; it is looking to be the hero. My mother-in-law sacrificed herself to her husband's wishes and has complained her whole life about it; I don't think her act was unselfish. Just easier. Gosh, I feel like a cynic today. My mother-in-law's expectations do get me down. I guess what I don't understand is that at her age, my mother-in-law could view life in simpler terms: to just be happy or something; instead, she is still looking for what could be got, could she get another lunch, another drive, another entitlement. Every day, she goes up to her room with her tea and waits for me to take her out; not once has the matriarch just stayed down here with us and started chatting with the children or offered to do something...I know at 98, it couldn't be much...but she could offer something or could have offered something so she still wouldn't be a stranger to the children. I don't know. I am finding it so sad.

A Short Note about Expectations

Yesterday, we went to a new spa for a manicure. The reality is the matriarch likes to feel the belle of the ball and the old spa wasn't putting on quite the right show for her; it was a good place, they were kind but the matriarch had become merely a regular and was no longer a star. You wonder how long people want to be in the limelight.

Anyhow, the new spa made a big deal about her age and she felt special. However, the parking lot is not conducive to the blind and certainly not the elderly, blind. This wouldn't have been a problem except the matriarch refused my help with the return navigation to the car. She did not fall but she could have and it would have been her own fault. I offered my arm and she refused it, saying she could find her way to the car. What do you do? I don't think anyone ever realizes they sometimes will need help. I don't know if we ever consciously age in our own minds; the matriarch takes my help for granted and wants it there when she needs it but otherwise she is completely independent. Do you understand the conflict? The matriarch can be as independent as she wants to be but I had better be there for those times when she isn't. I hate being taken for granted this way. And, I honestly don't know if the matriarch considers the situation. She's caught in a paradox--aging but unwilling to be old, even at 98. As I have mentioned before, the matriarch thinks walkers are for old people, not her. Do we ever feel old in our own minds?

The Sound and the Fury

Of late, the matriarch and I are not getting along. The matriarch has a cold and is cranky. I know these things. But she has also been exceptionally selfish, self-centred? I don't know what the appropriate term is but she has really annoyed me. I know I should be more sympathetic. I know I should behave in a more sensitive way. But, right now, it is really hard. Really, really hard.

It began when I, singular, took my father for lunch. For his birthday. The matriarch was outspoken about her annoyance about not accompanying me. As if that wasn't bad enough, the woman made a point of saying her cold was gone and she was well enough to go out. It wasn't happening with me and my husband took the children to their piano so it wasn't happening with him, either. She did not get to go out for lunch (still had her daily drive and everything, but that wasn't good enough).

Next day, the matriarch asked me to phone her sister-in-law. Not a problem, I dial the phone for her all the time. But she wanted me to act as intermediary with the phone because the matriarch felt her voice wasn't strong enough to carry across the wires. I told the matriarch I could dial the phone for her but I was not going to be an echo for her. I have 3 children. These phone calls to the matriarch's sister-in-law can last an hour; I don't have the time, I don't think the matriarch was that sick, I didn't see why the phone call had to be made. My husband figured the matriarch wanted to go for a visit; if she felt well enough to travel, she should have felt well enough to make the phone call. I was furious to think she really may expect me to be her servant. I told her (out loud, as in for real) I have no problem helping her, but I thought she was taking me for granted.

My husband, talking about his mother, asked me what did I expect from a woman who shakes her cup at me when she wants tea? It has been this way his whole life. Go with it.

You know you try to be sympathetic and kind. The matriarch is blind, she is old, she is fragile. But there is no excuse for such meanness. I don't know how old people get this way. The matriarch told me she had $10 000 dollars in the bank. I responded with "So." I don't know if she was trying to buy my servitude or create some sort of intimidation; the money will hardly cover her funeral.

Today, I took her to the blood clinic and shopping: more bananas, more chips, and 2 more bags of Werther's Caramels. The nurse at the clinic didn't even ask about her cold; so, it really isn't that bad and I shouldn't feel guilty about the phone call. And I hate feeling this way and I wish the matriarch could be a nicer person.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will try harder.

The Matriarch has a Cold

The poor woman is coughing away, right now. Yesterday, we did the Mother's Day tea and the matriarch, who was only beginning to sniffle, ate nothing and didn't even enjoy a dessert. Though, she did eat the 4 slices (small ones) of the Mango pudding slices I brought home. It is painful to see her with a cold because it affects her so strongly. The matriarch does not have a temperature, just a runny nose and a cough, and my husband and I are debating whether or not to bring her to the Doctor's. With no fever, I cannot see what a Doctor will do; we can buy a cough suppresant over the counter and the matriarch can stay in bed all day. There, obviously, will be no fish and chip lunch today; at least, my husband is pretty sure it will not happen.

Yesterday, my mother thought the matriarch's lips were a bit blue; I think my mom expects a very old senior to be on their deathbed constantly. The matriarch's lips aren't blue, bluish, red with a tinge of blue or any other worrying colour. She does have a cold; she is not dying. Although, as my husband said to my mother, what if she did die? It is not as though it isn't expected.

I don't think my husband wants his mother to die; I believe he will be very upset when she does. However, she is 98, almost 99, we'd be being silly if we weren't expecting it to happen at some point; the woman has lived a long life. We all have to go sometime. Now, I'm sneezing.

3 hours later.

The matriarch got up with sniffles, ate a bowl of Cream of Wheat, another slice of Mango pudding cake, is expecting some of my homemade banana bread (with butter) when it cools and sees no reason why my husband cannot take her for fish and chips. I believe I am going back to bed. Cough. Cough.

Indestructible

Sunday past, I had to go down to Waterloo, pick up my child, return home (a total of 340 km), get my children to their dance recital and make dinner. It nearly killed me. My mother-in-law also fell down a couple of stairs and nearly killed herself...except she got back up and there wasn't a bother on her. I begin to suspect she will live forever.

My own mother annoyed the matriarch by suggesting she may need a cane or a walker. They are for old people and whatever my mother-in-law is, she is not old. I have to support her views in this. If you don't use it, you lose it and I suspect if my mother-in-law had to rely on anyone or anything, she would lose her independence, her self-reliance, and she would die. It is only by continuing to do things that, for the most part annoy me, the matriarch is able to keep her will to live and have some sort of life. I may judge it unfairly but I do recognize it is her life. To slowly take away the things that give it reason is to deny her right to life. I hope I am making sense. My husband is going to hate this but I begin to think retirement is not all it is made up to be--life is what you make it and I think people who no longer work or volunteer or choose to do something diminish their value in society. It becomes very easy to put old, no longer useful people away and leave them in homes; after all, they are no longer viewed as having something to contribute. I don't know which comes first: is it a thought to remove oneself from involvement or does an elder feel pushed?

After the dance recital, I took my parents, the matriarch and the children out for ice cream. The matriarch didn't want ice cream. She did want Swiss Chalet. I was accused of not feeding my children, not making sure they eat when they should and, above all, not wanting to go to Swiss Chalet. No one, but the mother-in-law, wanted to go to Swiss Chalet. In the end, I ran into town for a single take-out at Swiss Chalet; came home and made dinner for the children (yes, that was already in the plan); then, served dinner for the matriarch and the family. And, of course, the matriarch did not eat because she did not want Swiss Chalet on her own, she wanted to go out to eat at the restaurant. Did I mention I had driven over 300 km in one day? Did I mention the children had a dance recital and were REALLY tired? Did I mention, all illustrations to the contrary, my children like my cooking and didn't want to go out to eat? The matriarch went to bed early because she was tired.

Sometimes it seems I do not have any sympathy for my mother-in-law. Of course, I do. When my mother told me the matriarch had fallen down a few stairs on the way to the washroom at the concert hall, I was worried. But, the woman got back up again and surprised my mother by not wanting her assistance. For all intents and purposes, my mother-in-law is blind but she refuses a cane and says she can see. She is going to fall now and again and it is her own fault. Does that sound cold? What do I do? Limit her adventures to our home? No longer take her out? Stop with the Swiss Chalet? This week, we are going to a Mother's Day tea, my husband will take her for fish and chips, she has a trip to the blood clinic, and, on Friday, she is going to the nail salon. I guess I could be more careful and let her sit in her room. That would be quite a life.