Lunch Out, Not

The matriarch refused to go out for lunch on Sunday; she didn't want to which is fine but she tried to tell me it was my children's fault. I beg your pardon? Basically, the matriarch understands the children are tired of going out for lunch and she no longer wants to eat out with them. Okay, I understand this is partially true; we are all sick of going out to eat--all except the matriarch, but I don't think anything the children have done would have indicated their boredom with the restaurant trips. They come along without complaint. The matriarch wants to continue to eat out just she doesn't want the children's company. I asked her if she wanted to eat out twice a week with my husband who is really and truly sick of fish and chips; she said I could come too. I told her that wasn't going to happen; it's the four of us with her or no one.

My girlfriend and I got talking about selfishness the other night; my husband is reconciled to the fact his mother has always been selfish; I am still frequently astounded by her obliviousness to anyone else's feelings. My friend's mother-in-law favours one of her children and does not understand why the parents may be a tad bit upset; if it's obvious to the children, the parents think the favouritism has gone too far. The thing both of us were wondering about was selfishness. I don't think anyone understands what selfishness is until they are asked to make a sacrifice for someone else. Probably, my mother-in-law doesn't see herself as selfish; she does pay for lunch every time, after all, and so, in a way, she figures she is making a huge sacrifice financially. Admittedly, five out for lunch is not cheap. But I also think my mother-in-law does not consider the social cost of lunch out all the time; the children could be doing something else--something fun or more interesting. They are making a huge sacrifice with their time for her. I don't think my mother-in-law recognizes this and, I would argue, she feels entitled to their time; she is their elder, after all.

My friend suggests once someone is selfish, unless they learn differently, they are always going to be selfish. They will continue blithely along that path their whole life. There is also the confusion about martyrdom; sacrificing oneself because one thinks or believes one is doing something unselfish is also a form of selfishness; it is looking to be the hero. My mother-in-law sacrificed herself to her husband's wishes and has complained her whole life about it; I don't think her act was unselfish. Just easier. Gosh, I feel like a cynic today. My mother-in-law's expectations do get me down. I guess what I don't understand is that at her age, my mother-in-law could view life in simpler terms: to just be happy or something; instead, she is still looking for what could be got, could she get another lunch, another drive, another entitlement. Every day, she goes up to her room with her tea and waits for me to take her out; not once has the matriarch just stayed down here with us and started chatting with the children or offered to do something...I know at 98, it couldn't be much...but she could offer something or could have offered something so she still wouldn't be a stranger to the children. I don't know. I am finding it so sad.