Something that may need to be said...

As I write this blog, it occurs to me that people may not realize old age is not an illness; it is not a disease from which one may recuperate. The only changes that will happen in my mother-in-law's life,except for actual illness or accident,is her own death. There is no escape from old age and it is not pleasant. I am not waiting for her to die but there is no other plan for the future. She cannot travel because the insurance cost is prohibitive; she cannot socialize because most of her friends are dead; she cannot read, knit, crochet or watch television because she is half blind. I do not know how much the matriarch can see but it is less than a lot and more than a little. Sometimes I think she is also half deaf but then I am surprised by what she hears. The matriarch is on medication for mild dementia which is similar to waves of confusion periodically interfering with her life. If it was something controllable, we could have a more steady existence. Our family maintains a very steady routine of which the highlights for the matriarch are outings for lunch or dinner. Mostly lunch and mostly Swiss Chalet.

I also cannot make the matriarch do things; for all her age and fragility, she is an adult, a very old, self-centred adult. Sometimes I think a lot of people I encounter forget that piece of information. The matriarch is an adult with thoughts, opinions, and feelings. When the old are institutionalized, it is very easy to see them as beings in need of care and concern but due very little respect. It is easy to forget that, at one time, they were the decision makers and the action takers. Of course, my mother-in-law drives me crazy; we are two adult females sharing a single home in which one has control (me) and the other has lost her independent status (her). It is like that adage two women cannot maintain one kitchen; someone is always going to resent their status; I get tired of constantly taking care of the matriarch and she gets tired of always relying on me. But we are both stuck in a situation that despite it all we don't want to end. For all the trouble, I don't want to see my husband's mother die; I truly don't think, despite what she says, she wants to die either. I think people are too used to hiding the old away with the pretense that old age is not happening; it happens to all of us and simply not facing the fact doesn't make it go away.