Does my mother-in-law get a 'flu shot? Previously, she has always got one then had minor pneumonia and then was well all winter. Chances are it's a good idea...however, last year's bout of pneumonia took a little more out of her. And, sometimes I think that little bit extra is what she needs to survive. But, if she doesn't get the 'flu shot and gets sick, the pneumonia could kill her. The children encounter lots of people; there are germs coming in and out of the house; the matriarch should get the 'flu shot. I keep windows open all year and there is lots of fresh air in the house; the children are very good handwashers; the matriarch should not get the 'flu shot. We are not even going to worry about the H1N1 virus....
The doctor's appointment is in 2 weeks, I shouldn't even be worrying about this. But I do. I find with the mother-in-law here I worry all the time and I worry twice as much about my children. I constantly check to make sure I have everyone in the van...The whole sugar thing is very discombobulating; I shouldn't even consider it as a worry and, yet, I do. I think I'll go to bed and try not to think.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The Sugar Effect
Yesterday, my mother-in-law and I went shopping and she bought candy for herself and the children. I have said a lot of things but she is generous to the children. The matriarch bought herself 3 candy bars; not a problem but, as of this morning, she has eaten them all. I begin to think she really is preserving herself in sugar. Admittedly this is an unending topic, so to speak, but, really, 3 candy bars in less than 12 hours?! If she wasn't 98, it may not be a big deal, but she is! I don't even know where the weight goes, never mind the sugar. If I ate that much candy and, Hershey chipits are my friends in times of need, I would have more concerns than just an exploding waistline! The matriarch really amazes me...I hope my children get her genes!
Monday, September 28, 2009
A Little Angry
My mother-in-law couldn't go for a drive today; it was raining. It is weird to make the choice for her but if she were to catch a cold on a wet day, it would bother me terribly. I have told her no drives in the rain. Period. So, the matriarch spent most of the day up in her room, probably in a huff. But this evening, she came down for peanut butter and jam sandwiches at nine at night. My children eat a lot; they do a lot of activities and tonight was gymnastics. So, once home, into the fridge they went and Grandma came down to see what they were making and everyone sat at the table drinking tea, eating open-faced peanut butter and jam sandwiches and listening to my youngest tell jokes and make fun of siblings. If the matriarch spent most of the day angry, she chose to get over it, spend the evening with us and go to bed happy.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Things I Have Done....
Made beds, cleaned vomit, cleaned toilets, vacuumed, made breakfast, given medication, bought groceries, done laundry, changed fuses, taken drives, done lunch, done dinner, made trips to the doctor, social calls to the hospital, trips to the other house at 2 o'clock in the morning, welcomed an in-law into the house, moved rooms, painted the old master room, painted the bathroom, made beds, changed sheets, cleaned toilets, cleaned vomit, cleaned accidents, put in medication, made dinners, made desserts, bought sugar, listened to complaints, phoned family to ask to visit, phoned friends to keep contact, done more laundry, been accused of stealing dresses, defended children accused of cutting up crochet, defended self against accusations of using a handicapped sticker, taken drives to nowhere everyday for an hour, listened to complaints about money, changed the volume on the television when it is too loud and when it is too low, opened windows for a breeze, closed windows when the breeze is too strong, bought more sugar, been accommodating to diet restrictions, listened to historical revisions about family life, listened to complaints about family, listened to complaints about my family, listened to expectations about my children's behaviour, bought more sugar and, except online and to my husband, I have not lost my patience. And, if I find humour in some of the routine I must go through, I will laugh. And I will not apologize for my immaturity. It is humour that keeps us sane--no matter where it is found.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Dessert and Mother-in-Law Telepathy
Men don't have it; I tell myself my husband just doesn't get it and I watch and I wait and I think to myself he just doesn't get it.
Dinner is over and the children have escaped to the family room to watch television; my husband, my mother-in-law and I sit at the table, drinking our tea and chatting. My mother-in-law begins to kind of look around. It becomes something of a game as I watch my husband and he watches his mother. I know she wants dessert. I am sure my husband knows she wants dessert and I wait. The children aren't having dessert; I didn't make a pie this week; there is ice cream, but really no one wants dessert. Except the mother-in-law. And she is hunting around at the table with her half-blind eye to see if I have put out cookies or cake or something. I know I am being cruel but I justify my behaviour--my husband can easily get her a slice of banana bread. God knows, I always have a sweet for her but sometimes I am sick of always being the one to have to say, "Do you want dessert?"
The matriarch never asks for dessert; she just assumes it is always there. She has been in the house for almost a year and I rarely have dessert for everyone; there is always a sweet for her, but the children have grown up without regular dessert. When we want sweets, we make them--hence our making doughnuts at 9 o'clock at night. The matriarch knows this and still won't say anything. But, worse, my husband, with whom I have been for TWENTY years knows this. I wait. And she just sits and reaches for a bowl only to discover it is the remnants of the dinner's pickles. My husband watches and I find it unbearable and offer banana bread--which the matriarch eats and toddles off to bed; her bowl of frozen fruit and sugar already up in her room.
Then, I glare at my husband, my life's partner, "Did you see what your mother was doing? Do you ever notice what she does?"
He nods, all nonchalant, "She was looking for dessert."
He grins at me, "I knew you'd give her something, you always do."
Men. They just don't get it. At All.
Dinner is over and the children have escaped to the family room to watch television; my husband, my mother-in-law and I sit at the table, drinking our tea and chatting. My mother-in-law begins to kind of look around. It becomes something of a game as I watch my husband and he watches his mother. I know she wants dessert. I am sure my husband knows she wants dessert and I wait. The children aren't having dessert; I didn't make a pie this week; there is ice cream, but really no one wants dessert. Except the mother-in-law. And she is hunting around at the table with her half-blind eye to see if I have put out cookies or cake or something. I know I am being cruel but I justify my behaviour--my husband can easily get her a slice of banana bread. God knows, I always have a sweet for her but sometimes I am sick of always being the one to have to say, "Do you want dessert?"
The matriarch never asks for dessert; she just assumes it is always there. She has been in the house for almost a year and I rarely have dessert for everyone; there is always a sweet for her, but the children have grown up without regular dessert. When we want sweets, we make them--hence our making doughnuts at 9 o'clock at night. The matriarch knows this and still won't say anything. But, worse, my husband, with whom I have been for TWENTY years knows this. I wait. And she just sits and reaches for a bowl only to discover it is the remnants of the dinner's pickles. My husband watches and I find it unbearable and offer banana bread--which the matriarch eats and toddles off to bed; her bowl of frozen fruit and sugar already up in her room.
Then, I glare at my husband, my life's partner, "Did you see what your mother was doing? Do you ever notice what she does?"
He nods, all nonchalant, "She was looking for dessert."
He grins at me, "I knew you'd give her something, you always do."
Men. They just don't get it. At All.
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Church of the Jedi Force and Tears
CBC had a great interview with a fellow who has founded the Church of the Jedi Force...He takes it all quite seriously. The Matriarch listened and tried to make sense of what was being said...I don't think she quite got it but I could almost see her brain try to make sense of Church and something out of Star Wars. In some ways, at least, she is open-minded.
My Father did a fabulous job of painting my dining room and living room and he worked quite hard all week. When my mother-in-law came down to lunch and my Dad said "Hi," she barely acknowledged him. I know she was hungry, but I felt she could have said something. When my husband came in this evening, I began to cry because I thought it would not have taken the matriarch much effort to acknowledge my father, to acknowledge his work. And, it was too much. My husband is more reconciled to his mother's selfishness; he has told me time and again, she is not going to change. I drive myself to tears hoping she will.
My Father did a fabulous job of painting my dining room and living room and he worked quite hard all week. When my mother-in-law came down to lunch and my Dad said "Hi," she barely acknowledged him. I know she was hungry, but I felt she could have said something. When my husband came in this evening, I began to cry because I thought it would not have taken the matriarch much effort to acknowledge my father, to acknowledge his work. And, it was too much. My husband is more reconciled to his mother's selfishness; he has told me time and again, she is not going to change. I drive myself to tears hoping she will.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
An Ordinary Evening
Music is being practiced, doughnuts are being made, books are being read and my mother-in-law is sitting in her chair watching and listening to it all. It is a lovely evening.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The husband
My husband is a decent sort of guy but sometimes he just doesn't get it. If it is morning and children are waking and his mother is hungry and the phone rings and the drops need to be put in, standing around watching me isn't helpful. Letting me get angry and frustrated isn't helpful. Why men never seem to develop the telepathy that women just seem to have instinctively is a cause for science...
At an evening activity today, a woman I know was telling me about her summer happenings and her plans to open her own business. It was rather interesting until she asked me what I had done. To be clear, we couldn't do much as we can't take my mother-in-law anywhere where there is walking and she is not easy to leave at another relative's for respite. Our summer was much like the weather: awful. Anyhow, I told the lady in question I had to take care of my mother-in-law and managed events for the children the best we could.
Her response: "Is your mother-in-law still alive?" The statement was followed by that awful gaff of silent recognition and the look of "Maybe I shouldn't have said that." What do you say? The matriarch is still alive; she will have been here for one year in October. None of us expected her to last this long, but she has.
At an evening activity today, a woman I know was telling me about her summer happenings and her plans to open her own business. It was rather interesting until she asked me what I had done. To be clear, we couldn't do much as we can't take my mother-in-law anywhere where there is walking and she is not easy to leave at another relative's for respite. Our summer was much like the weather: awful. Anyhow, I told the lady in question I had to take care of my mother-in-law and managed events for the children the best we could.
Her response: "Is your mother-in-law still alive?" The statement was followed by that awful gaff of silent recognition and the look of "Maybe I shouldn't have said that." What do you say? The matriarch is still alive; she will have been here for one year in October. None of us expected her to last this long, but she has.
Monday, September 21, 2009
2 Deaths and a Bowl of Melons
My Uncle died over the weekend and my friend's mother died on Saturday. I knew my Uncle when I was young and went to Ireland to see family but I hadn't been in touch with him in years. My friend's mother was a stranger. I am religious in a non-Church, non-logical, spiritual kind of way--it makes me feel better to believe in a God than to not believe. However, I am superstitious about death and I believe it runs in threes--and what bothers me as I write this is my belief my mother-in-law is not going to be next but I will hear about someone else, a stranger, a friend, a loved one. And, I hate thinking this way.
Anyhow, the sugar from the sugar bowls is being drained into the matriarch's fruit snack at night; I refuse to buy another 4 kilos of sugar until I go grocery shopping two days from now. It is immature, I know, but really, should it be such a big deal?
This evening, I watched her chase pieces of melon around the bowl with a teaspoon. At first, I thought, she can't see the melon and despaired further over her eyesight. Then I realized: the matriarch is coating the fruit in the sugar syrup. I cannot believe what a sweet tooth she has. When the melon was all gone, she supped the syrup. Maybe I'll have to go get the sugar...
Anyhow, the sugar from the sugar bowls is being drained into the matriarch's fruit snack at night; I refuse to buy another 4 kilos of sugar until I go grocery shopping two days from now. It is immature, I know, but really, should it be such a big deal?
This evening, I watched her chase pieces of melon around the bowl with a teaspoon. At first, I thought, she can't see the melon and despaired further over her eyesight. Then I realized: the matriarch is coating the fruit in the sugar syrup. I cannot believe what a sweet tooth she has. When the melon was all gone, she supped the syrup. Maybe I'll have to go get the sugar...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Handicapped Stickers and Bloody Eyes
My mother-in-law accused of me using her handicapped sticker to get convenient parking. I drive a van and it is the vehicle in which she is most comfortable; it used to be the rule of thumb, whoever had the children had the van; now, it is whoever is driving the matriarch about has the van. My husband took her for lunch on Saturday and forgot to remove the handicapped sign; thus, it was still in there when my mother-in-law, the children and I took the van and went to a Craft Fair this afternoon. I had to make it clear to my mother-in-law that a) I hadn't driven the van since she was last in it and b) I wouldn't use a handicapped sticker to get convenient parking. I am not that sort of person. But she held the sign in her lap the whole ride, tapping it with her fingers and I realized she didn't believe me. It made me very jumpy because there was no way I could exonerate myself in her eyes.
"Eyes" suggest another topic: the matriarch's eye was bleeding this afternoon after the Craft Show. She likes to drive with the windows down but the breeze has inflamed her eyes previously; our latest adventures have meant my window is down a bit instead. The matriarch usually travels with dark eyeglasses on to protect her eye but I see now this method isn't working. We discussed the situation a bit this evening and my mother-in-law resolved herself to the new reality: no more hair blowing in the wind. However, blood drained out of her eye for a little while; it was one of those "how long do I let this go on for?" situations. She couldn't feel it but I could see it. Our next appointment with the Opthamologist is next month; but I know there are few options. The eye cannot be removed because my mother-in-law is too old for the surgery; they could freeze it but the freezing would only be temporary and would have to be repeated ever few months for the rest of her life. It is as though her life's options are being reduced. Yet, she still goes forward.
The matriarch goes forward on a diet of fruit, soup, cake and pie. Oh, and ice cream. If ever there was a case study on senior's who live forever and eat like horses, my mother-in-law would be the classic example. Today, my ninety eight year old mother-in-law ate: pancakes, peaches, pears, cream of celery soup, bread, more peaches, more pears, chocolate cake, ice cream, scrambled eggs (with ketchup)and toast. Plus, she snacks on chips, cheesies and Worther's caramels. Sometimes I just watch her and my husband watches me; both of us stuck in this place of incredulity. The woman can eat. And, I am sorry, I am constantly amazed. We have run out of sugar again (all the fruit has sugar on it), both white granulated sugar and brown sugar and all the chocolate cake went in one sitting. It really amazes me.
On an odd note for closure, there were very few crocheted items at the Craft Fair. My mother-in-law has crocheted for years and made each of the children afghans for their beds, runners for their dressers and doilies for my tables. She missed seeing the Fancy work of other's.
"Eyes" suggest another topic: the matriarch's eye was bleeding this afternoon after the Craft Show. She likes to drive with the windows down but the breeze has inflamed her eyes previously; our latest adventures have meant my window is down a bit instead. The matriarch usually travels with dark eyeglasses on to protect her eye but I see now this method isn't working. We discussed the situation a bit this evening and my mother-in-law resolved herself to the new reality: no more hair blowing in the wind. However, blood drained out of her eye for a little while; it was one of those "how long do I let this go on for?" situations. She couldn't feel it but I could see it. Our next appointment with the Opthamologist is next month; but I know there are few options. The eye cannot be removed because my mother-in-law is too old for the surgery; they could freeze it but the freezing would only be temporary and would have to be repeated ever few months for the rest of her life. It is as though her life's options are being reduced. Yet, she still goes forward.
The matriarch goes forward on a diet of fruit, soup, cake and pie. Oh, and ice cream. If ever there was a case study on senior's who live forever and eat like horses, my mother-in-law would be the classic example. Today, my ninety eight year old mother-in-law ate: pancakes, peaches, pears, cream of celery soup, bread, more peaches, more pears, chocolate cake, ice cream, scrambled eggs (with ketchup)and toast. Plus, she snacks on chips, cheesies and Worther's caramels. Sometimes I just watch her and my husband watches me; both of us stuck in this place of incredulity. The woman can eat. And, I am sorry, I am constantly amazed. We have run out of sugar again (all the fruit has sugar on it), both white granulated sugar and brown sugar and all the chocolate cake went in one sitting. It really amazes me.
On an odd note for closure, there were very few crocheted items at the Craft Fair. My mother-in-law has crocheted for years and made each of the children afghans for their beds, runners for their dressers and doilies for my tables. She missed seeing the Fancy work of other's.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Routine
Sometimes nothing changes and we go on day after day. I don't know what I expect; I hate this sort of waiting and, yet, I don't want anything to change.
My husband made my mother-in-law corn-on-the-cob for supper; he cut the kernels off the cob and served it in a bowl. There was lots of butter and salt on it. And, it looked really good; she didn't eat it. He doesn't like to admit his mother refuses to eat like a senior or an old person; I always serve corn on the cob on a plate and wait till she asks me to cut the kernels off. Sometimes, she tries to do it herself and it is a mess. I am a servant. I clean it all up. It could be a power thing. I don't know.
When the children were little, I just knew what they wanted. Call it maternal telepathy. Now, I have daughter-in-law telepathy; though, of course, there are times I am wrong and my husband so enjoys those moments--rare, though, they are. But, to be clear, when I am wrong it is always in public and the children are around. Sometimes, I think the matriarch is competing for attention. I have been told to treat the matriarch like a recalcitrant two year old..only one with adult opinions and wants. Life just drives me crazy.
My husband made my mother-in-law corn-on-the-cob for supper; he cut the kernels off the cob and served it in a bowl. There was lots of butter and salt on it. And, it looked really good; she didn't eat it. He doesn't like to admit his mother refuses to eat like a senior or an old person; I always serve corn on the cob on a plate and wait till she asks me to cut the kernels off. Sometimes, she tries to do it herself and it is a mess. I am a servant. I clean it all up. It could be a power thing. I don't know.
When the children were little, I just knew what they wanted. Call it maternal telepathy. Now, I have daughter-in-law telepathy; though, of course, there are times I am wrong and my husband so enjoys those moments--rare, though, they are. But, to be clear, when I am wrong it is always in public and the children are around. Sometimes, I think the matriarch is competing for attention. I have been told to treat the matriarch like a recalcitrant two year old..only one with adult opinions and wants. Life just drives me crazy.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Indestructible and Independent
Well, my mother-in-law seems fine. The fall didn't do anything but shake her up-a bit.
There is a reality with my mother-in-law I have to confront and some people do not understand: my mother-in-law is 98, she has minor dementia--she is not incapable of independent decisions. The little things I may complain about are the habits she has developed over the course of her ninety-eight years. Some of them would be annoying whatever her age and some of them are a consequence of choices she has made. For example, my mother-in-law has no teeth; she chose to have them pulled out when she was in her late seventies. I haven't a clue why she chose to have them pulled out but I do know she hates spitting food out, resents the fact nothing is tender enough for her and will not admit she can not eat solid food comfortably. I think a ninety-eight year old woman still has an ego and she might regret having removed her teeth; I don't know. But it is not like I can feed her soft foods like oatmeal and soup all the time--she doesn't like it. This morning I asked the matriarch if she would like oatmeal; it is a winter breakfast; she was having none of it. Old people are old but still people and I think it is arrogant for me to think I can just arrange her life so she can be more comfortable. My mother-in-law knows I could do that. The most difficult thing to cope with is the paradox of the situation: the matriarch wants to be more comfortable but she doesn't want to lose her independence and the right to make choices. Maybe that is at the heart of her decision to come here; things are never so one-sided; my mother-in-law has not given up the right to have an opinion, to change her mind, to comment on the food, to want to go out, to eat the kind of food she likes; to still have dreams to go to Alaska....
There is a reality with my mother-in-law I have to confront and some people do not understand: my mother-in-law is 98, she has minor dementia--she is not incapable of independent decisions. The little things I may complain about are the habits she has developed over the course of her ninety-eight years. Some of them would be annoying whatever her age and some of them are a consequence of choices she has made. For example, my mother-in-law has no teeth; she chose to have them pulled out when she was in her late seventies. I haven't a clue why she chose to have them pulled out but I do know she hates spitting food out, resents the fact nothing is tender enough for her and will not admit she can not eat solid food comfortably. I think a ninety-eight year old woman still has an ego and she might regret having removed her teeth; I don't know. But it is not like I can feed her soft foods like oatmeal and soup all the time--she doesn't like it. This morning I asked the matriarch if she would like oatmeal; it is a winter breakfast; she was having none of it. Old people are old but still people and I think it is arrogant for me to think I can just arrange her life so she can be more comfortable. My mother-in-law knows I could do that. The most difficult thing to cope with is the paradox of the situation: the matriarch wants to be more comfortable but she doesn't want to lose her independence and the right to make choices. Maybe that is at the heart of her decision to come here; things are never so one-sided; my mother-in-law has not given up the right to have an opinion, to change her mind, to comment on the food, to want to go out, to eat the kind of food she likes; to still have dreams to go to Alaska....
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Fall
My mother-in-law fell today. She did not fall down the house stairs or the porch but lost her balance trying to get in the van. The matriarch landed on her backside, rolled herself over and got up without help. I was panicked and she refused my help. There was no blood, no bruises, and she still wanted to go for her drive. So, I took her. All day, I have been consumed with guilt; I should have parked the van better; I should hold her arm when she walks; I should make sure there is nothing, ever, in her way. There are all these things I should be doing better and I am so scared. Right now, she is up in her room watching Jeopardy per usual and I think I am annoying her with the constant checking. My husband wants to know what I am looking for...If the shock was too much, she dies; if the shock was not, she lives; if it's time for her to die, she will. I think he's a bit callous considering this woman is his mother; but, he is also very realistic, it was only a fall, not a broken bone, not a sprain, not a dizzy spell, not one of any number of things that people, not just seniors, face everyday.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Meaning of Life
The proper caramels are in the bowl and the matriarch is well and happy with life.
The afternoon was spent in search of the right kind of cheesies; like the caramels, I didn't think junk food was such a big deal. Apparently, it is. Today, we bought chips, cheesies, 4 packs of caramels and toothpaste. It would be ironic except it is 100 per cent true. Further, an hour was spent in the grocery store trying to find the right bag of cheesies. I have never really thought of myself as patient but going through shelf after shelf, product after product, in search of just the right kind of cheesie was an effort in self-control. For those who care, and I fear not many, there are not that many kinds of cheesies: four in our local store. But, the matriarch wanted to know what else was available as she sought her most desired, most wanted junk food. It is at times like these, I think to myself, my mother-in-law is blind: lie. Once, I got into a debate with her over the directions to a store. I was driving; her instructions were, and I quote, "Drive this way and then go that way." Not turn right or left, not follow a particular direction, not give me the name of the store. And, I, like the idiot I truly can be, argued with her as if she could see what I was doing. There are advantages to my mother-in-law being half-blind; one would think I would use them.
The afternoon was spent in search of the right kind of cheesies; like the caramels, I didn't think junk food was such a big deal. Apparently, it is. Today, we bought chips, cheesies, 4 packs of caramels and toothpaste. It would be ironic except it is 100 per cent true. Further, an hour was spent in the grocery store trying to find the right bag of cheesies. I have never really thought of myself as patient but going through shelf after shelf, product after product, in search of just the right kind of cheesie was an effort in self-control. For those who care, and I fear not many, there are not that many kinds of cheesies: four in our local store. But, the matriarch wanted to know what else was available as she sought her most desired, most wanted junk food. It is at times like these, I think to myself, my mother-in-law is blind: lie. Once, I got into a debate with her over the directions to a store. I was driving; her instructions were, and I quote, "Drive this way and then go that way." Not turn right or left, not follow a particular direction, not give me the name of the store. And, I, like the idiot I truly can be, argued with her as if she could see what I was doing. There are advantages to my mother-in-law being half-blind; one would think I would use them.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Three Little Issues
My child woke up a vomiting volcano this morning; it was messy, it was inconvenient, it was a distraction. My mother-in-law followed me around asking how the child in question was? Had the child stopped vomiting? When was breakfast? Unfortunately, I am one of those mothers who gets really, really angry if someone gets between me and my children in a time of need; sometimes, even in a crisis, I need to just open my mouth and insert my foot before words escape. They can never be retracted.
We, my mother-in-law and I, went to the grocery store today in search of Werthers' Caramels; the company makes round hard candies, round hard candies with caramel in their centres and rectangular caramels. I honestly didn't think such a difference was important and bought the wrong caramels. My poor mother-in-law spent the better part of the afternoon wondering why the grocery store no longer sold the caramels she wanted; I had to explain three times the store still sold her caramels but I had bought the wrong ones. Worse, I couldn't go back and buy the right ones; see above. The guilt for such a silly mistake has been overwhelming.
This final issue is more of a child verses Grandma issue and I want to side with Grandma and cannot. We are currently reading a really stupid novel, "The Book of Three." Just for starters, there is a quest for an oracle pig within the plot. I am falling asleep reading this book aloud to my children. For some strange reason which I honestly cannot fathom, my youngest child loves the book. Grandma, on the other hand, does not and is now closing her door when I read. She has asked my youngest to choose another book, any book, and the child refuses. The matriarch has asked me to intervene and, though, I want to agree, this is one of those"we always finish what we start" moments. It is that important to my youngest. So, now I have to read aloud to the children during the day trying to get the book finished out of my mother-in-law's earshot. So, I spend more time with the silly book than ever...no good deed ever goes unpunished.
We, my mother-in-law and I, went to the grocery store today in search of Werthers' Caramels; the company makes round hard candies, round hard candies with caramel in their centres and rectangular caramels. I honestly didn't think such a difference was important and bought the wrong caramels. My poor mother-in-law spent the better part of the afternoon wondering why the grocery store no longer sold the caramels she wanted; I had to explain three times the store still sold her caramels but I had bought the wrong ones. Worse, I couldn't go back and buy the right ones; see above. The guilt for such a silly mistake has been overwhelming.
This final issue is more of a child verses Grandma issue and I want to side with Grandma and cannot. We are currently reading a really stupid novel, "The Book of Three." Just for starters, there is a quest for an oracle pig within the plot. I am falling asleep reading this book aloud to my children. For some strange reason which I honestly cannot fathom, my youngest child loves the book. Grandma, on the other hand, does not and is now closing her door when I read. She has asked my youngest to choose another book, any book, and the child refuses. The matriarch has asked me to intervene and, though, I want to agree, this is one of those"we always finish what we start" moments. It is that important to my youngest. So, now I have to read aloud to the children during the day trying to get the book finished out of my mother-in-law's earshot. So, I spend more time with the silly book than ever...no good deed ever goes unpunished.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
How to Share, or Thanks but no Thanks, but I'll Eat it Anyhow
We took my mother-in-law over to my parents' house this afternoon. Now, my parents are seniors, too, but about 30 years younger than my mother-in-law or 5 years older than my husband or...well, you get the picture. My mother is the kind of person to put on a spread: fruit, crackers, cheese, muffins and tea. My mother offered the matriarch a muffin and a cup of tea; so far, no problem. But, because my mother knows my mother-in-law is half blind and has no teeth, she cut the muffin up into bits and buttered each of them. It really wasn't necessary but on the whole, helpful. While this was arguably beneficial, the matriarch hates being reminded that she is incapable of certain methods of eating. She may need to eat like a three year old but do not tell her she eats like a three year old. I am not being disrespectful; it is her reality and she hates it. To say, the matriarch resented the cut up muffin all the way home is an understatement; however, her anger did not prevent her from eating and enjoying the muffin. This sort of situation illustrates the paradox with which my husband and I live. And, to which I struggle to accommodate with the meals I cook. It also illustrates the frustration my mother-in-law feels.
I keep thinking a person never really gets used to being old; in the mind, one is always that seventeen year old on the verge of doing great things. My mother-in-law still makes plans, has hopes, and she dreams. The matriarch dreams a lot; she has plans for Christmas, she still wishes she could go to Alaska, she would like to fall in love again. I don't know what I figured my mother-in-law would be like when she came here; previously, she had only been ill when she had needed to be here. It was a pain but we could handle it. But the longer, she is here, the more I realize that whole 'life' she had on her own, that 'life' that went on when I didn't take her to the doctor's or shopping or out to lunch, was a very important part of her identity--even if it was a life restricted to her own house. It was her house and her garden and her kitchen. She sits, now, in her room because it is her private space, her place. Maybe I am thinking about this too much but my mother-in-law is not just an old lady waiting to die and I have been looking at her that way.
I keep thinking a person never really gets used to being old; in the mind, one is always that seventeen year old on the verge of doing great things. My mother-in-law still makes plans, has hopes, and she dreams. The matriarch dreams a lot; she has plans for Christmas, she still wishes she could go to Alaska, she would like to fall in love again. I don't know what I figured my mother-in-law would be like when she came here; previously, she had only been ill when she had needed to be here. It was a pain but we could handle it. But the longer, she is here, the more I realize that whole 'life' she had on her own, that 'life' that went on when I didn't take her to the doctor's or shopping or out to lunch, was a very important part of her identity--even if it was a life restricted to her own house. It was her house and her garden and her kitchen. She sits, now, in her room because it is her private space, her place. Maybe I am thinking about this too much but my mother-in-law is not just an old lady waiting to die and I have been looking at her that way.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Sex and the Single Senior
Setting: lawyer's office, 10 years ago.
Characters: my mother-in-law, my husband and me. And, the lawyer. First three characters are
anxious, nervous, one is fidgety. The lawyer is a stereotype for a small city sort of lawyer in a Canadian
province.
Plot: A divorce consultation.
Dialogue:
Lawyer: Are there any grounds we can use to say this wedding was out of the ordinary?
Husband cringes, mother-in-law looks from lawyer to son.
Mother-in-law: What do you mean?
Lawyer: I mean are there extraordinary grounds to say this marriage could be nullified?
Mother-in-law: What do you mean nullified?
Lawyer (finally getting awkward): Was this marriage consummated?
Husband looks away, a deep shade of red.
Mother-in-law: Well, I don't know. We were married in the normal kind of way, but he wasn't very sexy.
Lawyer momentarily looks relieved: So, we could process this easily with non-consummation.
Mother-in-law (continuing to speak despite lawyer): Do you mean did we have sex? Cause we did have sex,
he just couldn't a lot, you know....
light fades as she continues to speak and husband gets redder and redder....
Seniors have sex and despite her age, my mother-in-law would love to have a boyfriend, a companion. I don't know if she would still have sex, if she would still be capable. I do know when she got married sixteen years ago, she had something of a sex life. I know more than I like to know. However, when I took her for her drive yesterday, we got to talking about her lack of a social life. It never occurred to me she would miss male companionship. Till she moved here, my mother-in-law went to regular card nights and socialized. It may not have been important to her, at the time, but the routine of those nights with people her own age and with the opposite sex are something she misses. She has told me of a number of men she encountered while at cards; most of them were impressed with her cooking. One man asked her out and when he realized she was 10 or 15 years older than him, he chose not to go out with her. My husband, albeit embarrassed, is completely rational about his mother and social situations. Any man who may be interested would lose interest once he realized how old she was; it wouldn't be personal, just a precaution against becoming intimate on any level with someone who could die at any moment. My mother-in-law has actually outlived 2 companions since her divorce: 1 died of a heart attack and the other in a car accident. But I guess sitting in her room, choosing not to participate with us, isn't necessarily a sign she doesn't want something. Everyone at all ages, I guess, truly wants a friend.
Characters: my mother-in-law, my husband and me. And, the lawyer. First three characters are
anxious, nervous, one is fidgety. The lawyer is a stereotype for a small city sort of lawyer in a Canadian
province.
Plot: A divorce consultation.
Dialogue:
Lawyer: Are there any grounds we can use to say this wedding was out of the ordinary?
Husband cringes, mother-in-law looks from lawyer to son.
Mother-in-law: What do you mean?
Lawyer: I mean are there extraordinary grounds to say this marriage could be nullified?
Mother-in-law: What do you mean nullified?
Lawyer (finally getting awkward): Was this marriage consummated?
Husband looks away, a deep shade of red.
Mother-in-law: Well, I don't know. We were married in the normal kind of way, but he wasn't very sexy.
Lawyer momentarily looks relieved: So, we could process this easily with non-consummation.
Mother-in-law (continuing to speak despite lawyer): Do you mean did we have sex? Cause we did have sex,
he just couldn't a lot, you know....
light fades as she continues to speak and husband gets redder and redder....
Seniors have sex and despite her age, my mother-in-law would love to have a boyfriend, a companion. I don't know if she would still have sex, if she would still be capable. I do know when she got married sixteen years ago, she had something of a sex life. I know more than I like to know. However, when I took her for her drive yesterday, we got to talking about her lack of a social life. It never occurred to me she would miss male companionship. Till she moved here, my mother-in-law went to regular card nights and socialized. It may not have been important to her, at the time, but the routine of those nights with people her own age and with the opposite sex are something she misses. She has told me of a number of men she encountered while at cards; most of them were impressed with her cooking. One man asked her out and when he realized she was 10 or 15 years older than him, he chose not to go out with her. My husband, albeit embarrassed, is completely rational about his mother and social situations. Any man who may be interested would lose interest once he realized how old she was; it wouldn't be personal, just a precaution against becoming intimate on any level with someone who could die at any moment. My mother-in-law has actually outlived 2 companions since her divorce: 1 died of a heart attack and the other in a car accident. But I guess sitting in her room, choosing not to participate with us, isn't necessarily a sign she doesn't want something. Everyone at all ages, I guess, truly wants a friend.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Case of the Missing Fruit
With no teeth, my mother-in-law finds it difficult to fulfill her favourite occupation: eating. In particular, it is very difficult for her to eat fruit. The matriarch likes to keep fruit up in her room to let it ripen, soften up; then, she peels whatever and eats it. Not really a problem, one thinks. However, as her gums are softening, the fruit is becoming harder to eat. My husband, home for two weeks holiday, tends to agree with his mother and this has become quite the bone of contention between us. However, I know he has noticed that even soft bananas can be too hard for the matriarch. But, the sad truth is there is nothing we can do. It is only a matter of time till my mother-in-law is no longer on a solid diet and, as a fully functional adult, she must hate this reality. I know I would. But I also think my husband finds this truth unbearable; the bread I buy is too dense; the fruit is not ripe enough; the vegetables are not cooked thoroughly; the meat is too tough. Yet, he knows as he watches her struggle through dinner that I am right. Her favourite foods tend to be cereals, defrosted strawberries or raspberries, and soups or stews.
The matriarch puts him through a particular type of hell when she tells him she really can't wait for the McIntosh apples to come in; the Galas, the Red Delicious and the early Macs are all too hard and don't ripen and he tries to assuage her by saying the 'real' Macs are on their way. But I really don't think they will be any different; this year's cantaloupes were too hard and homemade Danishes were too densely baked. I don't really know what that means except they are, yet, one more thing she cannot eat. Nectarines and Peaches age in her room, almost to the point of softness and fruit flies, and then she eats them. It is uncomfortable to tell my mother-in-law only a couple of pieces of fruit at a time in her room; I'd rather do the double duty with the bowls of fruit every morning and afternoon then worry about the soft fruit turning to rot. I think she knows, too, the fruit can't keep but it is an elephant in the room we don't mention.
The matriarch puts him through a particular type of hell when she tells him she really can't wait for the McIntosh apples to come in; the Galas, the Red Delicious and the early Macs are all too hard and don't ripen and he tries to assuage her by saying the 'real' Macs are on their way. But I really don't think they will be any different; this year's cantaloupes were too hard and homemade Danishes were too densely baked. I don't really know what that means except they are, yet, one more thing she cannot eat. Nectarines and Peaches age in her room, almost to the point of softness and fruit flies, and then she eats them. It is uncomfortable to tell my mother-in-law only a couple of pieces of fruit at a time in her room; I'd rather do the double duty with the bowls of fruit every morning and afternoon then worry about the soft fruit turning to rot. I think she knows, too, the fruit can't keep but it is an elephant in the room we don't mention.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It is What It is
My mother-in-law comes down most mornings happy; she wears a smile on her face and we can all see it. My husband figures her presence here is a success if for that reason alone. I must agree. It is awkward and tying down but really to make a person happy the last years of her life, it is not that difficult. My children are learning something from this experience. Compassion and sympathy. I am learning patience. At the moment, as my husband and father put a washroom in the basement, my partner is learning to drywall in a small space. Sometimes, men just have different priorities.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Chocolate Crisis
Chocolate is a great saviour. In the middle of the night. In the afternoon. Before breakfast. Today has been one of those rampaging, open-up the chipits bag and scarf down chocolate before I kill someone kind of days. It is not like anything is different: drops in the eyes, children's breakfasts, mother-in-law's breakfast, bring a glass of water upstairs to her room, bring fruit upstairs (wonder why I couldn't have brought both up together), get annoyed for no apparent reason and wish I wasn't so immature, do the lunch scene, repeat water routine with the same fruity questions and begin to regret this whole situation. The children are so very helpful to their grandmother, my husband is so very patient and I am the one being driven crazy and I know, I really and truly know, it's not that bad. I personally know people in worse situations with ill seniors and angry family members and who get a whole lot more frustrated than me. This is a good place for my mother-in-law. I know this. But sometimes it really sucks (I honestly can't think of a better word.)
I would love to say this post was inspired by some awful event, that my mother-in-law has been inordinately selfish, that the children went wild and out of control, that my husband is some ignoramus, but we are all trying and some times it is just hard. It is not polite to say the whole family is waiting for my mother-in-law to die but as she retreats into her room and her memories, it is what we are doing. Unless, of course, she is in a mood; in which case, I am perfectly justified in resenting the current situation. It becomes frustrating in the not-knowing: I don't know what my mother-in-law wants. My husband says to leave her and if she wants something, she'll tell us. But every time I pass her room, she looks out at me and I know she wants something, so I ask, "Do you want something?" A hundred per cent of the time, she does want something: water, fruit, chocolate cake....
Just on a tangent for a moment, we are now going through 4 kilos of sugar a month. My husband couldn't believe it when we ran out of sugar for the second time this summer. I have told him his mother eats a lot of sugar but he wouldn't believe me. Now, he knows. For sure, his mother eats A LOT of sugar; my children don't even put sugar on their cereal!
Anyhow, thanks for the release. Somewhere out there in cyberspace, I know another woman is taking care of her mother-in-law and feels a moment's respite just knowing she is not alone....and she can feel guilt free munching on a Coffee Crisp or Hershey Bar or O'Henry or chocolate chips from the bulk store...
I would love to say this post was inspired by some awful event, that my mother-in-law has been inordinately selfish, that the children went wild and out of control, that my husband is some ignoramus, but we are all trying and some times it is just hard. It is not polite to say the whole family is waiting for my mother-in-law to die but as she retreats into her room and her memories, it is what we are doing. Unless, of course, she is in a mood; in which case, I am perfectly justified in resenting the current situation. It becomes frustrating in the not-knowing: I don't know what my mother-in-law wants. My husband says to leave her and if she wants something, she'll tell us. But every time I pass her room, she looks out at me and I know she wants something, so I ask, "Do you want something?" A hundred per cent of the time, she does want something: water, fruit, chocolate cake....
Just on a tangent for a moment, we are now going through 4 kilos of sugar a month. My husband couldn't believe it when we ran out of sugar for the second time this summer. I have told him his mother eats a lot of sugar but he wouldn't believe me. Now, he knows. For sure, his mother eats A LOT of sugar; my children don't even put sugar on their cereal!
Anyhow, thanks for the release. Somewhere out there in cyberspace, I know another woman is taking care of her mother-in-law and feels a moment's respite just knowing she is not alone....and she can feel guilt free munching on a Coffee Crisp or Hershey Bar or O'Henry or chocolate chips from the bulk store...
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Things We Don't Think About....
My children still like to be read to and at night, my husband or I read to them before they go to sleep. We have done it since they were born and will do it for as long as they want. Now, my mother-in-law tends to go to bed at the same time as the children, sometime between 9 and 10. Thus, she now listens to whatever book we happen to be reading. The children are big fantasy fans, my mother-in-law is not. I like classics, my mother-in-law does not. She does, however, love Stephanie Meyers. When the children first got into vampires, my mother-in-law used to shake her head and find it unbelievable they would waste their time with the subject. But as we progressed into the novel, she would call out to me from her room to ask me to read louder or clearer. I think she has a thing for Edward. She has listened to all four of the Twilight series and was only unimpressed with the last one: "Vampires are dead. They can't make babies."
I don't like the quality of Stephanie Meyers' writing; I can't believe she made a fortune rewriting Bram Stoker's Dracula as basically a Harlequin romance. But, my mother-in-law loves her. Of all the books we have read over the past year, my mother-in-law still asks about Stephanie Meyers. I introduced her to the television series 'True Blood' but it didn't quite have the impact on her imagination 'Twilight' had; Bill is no Edward. It was beyond funny to listen to my husband read Stephanie Meyers to the children and his mother and know the matriarch was infatuated with the hero. ( Of course, I could be wrong, but it was still funny!)
I don't like the quality of Stephanie Meyers' writing; I can't believe she made a fortune rewriting Bram Stoker's Dracula as basically a Harlequin romance. But, my mother-in-law loves her. Of all the books we have read over the past year, my mother-in-law still asks about Stephanie Meyers. I introduced her to the television series 'True Blood' but it didn't quite have the impact on her imagination 'Twilight' had; Bill is no Edward. It was beyond funny to listen to my husband read Stephanie Meyers to the children and his mother and know the matriarch was infatuated with the hero. ( Of course, I could be wrong, but it was still funny!)
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Questions
Dinner at a Steakhouse with someone who has no teeth and is out to prove to her family, nieces, nephew and in-laws, she can eat like the best of us...Thank God, everyone came prepared in their knowledge. Maybe it's wrong to be embarrassed but my husband thought his mother was out to prove a point: old does not mean incapable. My 98 year old mother-in-law ate 2 racks of ribs-the big ones with only 2 ribs leftover, fries, bread and butter, tomato juice and a slice of ice cream cake plus her tea. My children did not eat as much. I honestly dreaded coming home because I thought she would have thrown up. No, she ate and digested it all.
But my husband's cousin did bring up a point about homecare we have not considered. Everything is very easy when an aged one is just old; what would our opinions be like should we have had a bed-ridden child? My husband is almost 60, would he be able to lift an invalid adult male in 10 years? My husband is a great guy and a very decent man; he figures our child would have grown up with us and our capabilities and we would make do the best we could. I don't know what we would do...I am younger but in some ways not as strong as my partner. But, then, I do most of the work with my mother-in-law and my children and I don't think a parent thinks about it; what has to be done, has to be done. I did homecare for my mother-in-law for seven years before she came here; for the old, I think independence is a huge issue and I tried to facilitate my mother-in-law's independence for as long as I could. For a child, growing up with challenges, I guess acceptance is the most important issue; a child must be accepted into a family and a family must accept a child. It scares me to think of a family alone with no support to help an ill child, but it scares me more to think of a child alone with no family or any kind of support in some sort of institutional setting.
But my husband's cousin did bring up a point about homecare we have not considered. Everything is very easy when an aged one is just old; what would our opinions be like should we have had a bed-ridden child? My husband is almost 60, would he be able to lift an invalid adult male in 10 years? My husband is a great guy and a very decent man; he figures our child would have grown up with us and our capabilities and we would make do the best we could. I don't know what we would do...I am younger but in some ways not as strong as my partner. But, then, I do most of the work with my mother-in-law and my children and I don't think a parent thinks about it; what has to be done, has to be done. I did homecare for my mother-in-law for seven years before she came here; for the old, I think independence is a huge issue and I tried to facilitate my mother-in-law's independence for as long as I could. For a child, growing up with challenges, I guess acceptance is the most important issue; a child must be accepted into a family and a family must accept a child. It scares me to think of a family alone with no support to help an ill child, but it scares me more to think of a child alone with no family or any kind of support in some sort of institutional setting.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Waiting
This blog is supposed to be about living with an old woman who is waiting to die--except she's not waiting, which is a good thing, but, then, all the time she is waiting. The other night, a niece promised to phone the matriarch at 9; my mother-in-law sat by the phone from 8:30 waiting. She just sat there and waited for the phone to ring. The niece phoned, no problems, but the matriarch spent her evening waiting. On Saturday, my husband told his mother he would take her for her regular luncheon with him; she got up at 6 am and waited for him to take her to lunch. Lunch. She spent 6, make it even less 4, hours just sitting there waiting. She had her shoes on, her purse ready and she waited. I used to think this was behaviour typical of someone who has nothing better to do but, apparently, this is what my mother-in-law has always been like. And, it could drive me crazy except there is not a thing I can do about it. If my mother-in-law has a doctor's appointment at 3 in the afternoon and she gets ready at 6 am, that is her choice. It makes for some strange instances. My father has found her at the door waiting to go out and has offered to take her to wherever her appointment may be only to realize it is not for another 3 or 5 hours. It's not like time can be rushed. Time can be filled but she chooses to sit there. We have offered to take her shopping, for a drive, some form of diversionary activity so she is not sitting there but she prefers to sit. One really doesn't know if I am supposed to justify or excuse her habits. I keep telling myself they are her habits. The children seem to take it in stride. They know if Grandma is sitting by the door, she is going somewhere; they know if I am not dressed, she is not going soon. This evening, we are going to The Keg for a family dinner with my parents and my husband's cousins and my mother-in-law is upstairs getting ready; it is 9 in the morning.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Regrets
The matriarch has no regrets but one of which I am aware. And that regret has nothing to do with her family or my husband or the distant past. My mother-in-law has quite a history when it comes to men: she has been married 3 times, once divorced, once widowed and once separated; the last separation did not evolve into a divorce because her former husband died. She was 92 and he was in his late seventies; I think she truly loved him but couldn't live with him. I can't imagine getting married in one's eighties and then getting divorced in one's nineties, but when one has lived so long, you may as well choose the life you want. Which makes me wonder about her regrets...Of all the things in her life, she has told me a niece's attendance of her third wedding with her son rather than her husband bugged her the most. Of all the things. We were not at that wedding and it drives my husband crazy when the matriarch starts to complain about it. The groom is now dead. The marriage is long over. Yet, my mother-in-law still regrets her nephew's absence at the wedding; she doesn't dwell on her son's absence. That wedding and marriage cost my husband a tremendous amount of angst and the separation cost him a lot of money. It reveals the kind of mother my mother-in-law was when my husband was growing up. It tells me people don't really change; I mean, of course they do, but they have to want to become different people. Individuals get stuck somehow when they remain oblivious to the past; they are doomed to repeat it. When my mother-in-law tells me God has left her here because she still has something to accomplish, I look at her and feel so much pity. My husband tries so hard and she still regrets a nephew's absence over his....
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