Lunch with An Audience (and a Rant in conclusion, easily skipped)

Today, we went to Montanas and the children all said a prayer of "Thank you."  Chicken is no longer welcome in our home.

The matriarch has no teeth and that reality does not prevent the ambition to eat formerly favoured foods.  Today, my mother-in-law ordered a hamburger--no bun, she wasn't that ambitious--fries, a salad (don't ask where that desire came from, she can't chew lettuce), a fudge brownie sundae and tea.  We're not regulars at Montanas so the waitress, kind young woman, stayed in the periphery to watch the mother-in-law eat.  And, the matriarch knew she was there.  Remember the adage: Moms have got eyes in the back of their heads?  My mother-in-law knows what is going on behind her no matter what.  She ate every little bit of her lunch--no leftovers and then said to me, "I bet that girl wasn't expecting me to finish."  She was probably right.

There aren't a lot of seniors out and about like my mother-in-law.  Everyone can tell she is old and needs help but most people realize, after they have met her, she is healthy, opinionated and still independent in her thoughts.  Yes, she drives me crazy and the waves of dementia scare me but what do you do?  Put her in a home and pretend it's not happening or that staff are trained to make it more comfortable?  It is never comfortable to lose your mind; I think that frustration makes some seniors violent.  I don't know I am not a doctor.  Our family can do what we think is best in conjunction with what my mother-in-law wants and with which the doctors agree.  I know my mother-in-law would leave if she had a boyfriend who could still drive a car; going out for rides is her priority, it's nothing personal.

The fact nothing the matriarch does is personal is very hard to live with...I often can't get it through it my head.  Probably a number of my posts indicate my emotional confusion.  However, my husband and I do feel the fact the matriarch has personal care is what is keeping her healthy and alive.  Personally, I don't think you could buy that no matter the well-wishes of the home or the staff--but that is just my opinion.  And, my opinion is as respected as any other stay-at-home Mom who earns no income, has no pension and apparently is easily replaced with daycare and senior care institutions.  Just a bit of a rant...I won't get political again.

The Thing about Credit Cards

Christmas means one credit card; everything bought is put on the almighty mastercard and the bill is paid in January.  Discovering said credit card was not in my purse Christmas Eve was bothersome but hardly a worry.  It had to be in my purse.  Discovering said credit card was still missing on December 28 was a moment of panic; my oldest child told me to calm down and methodically went through my wallet and my purse.  To be told, "It's not here," by a second person was a moment of hysteria.

Fortunately, I had been to only one store Christmas Eve: Zehrs.  But, no one had found or turned in a mastercard.  There were perplexed looks from the Zehrs staff;  why would I be looking for a misplaced credit card four days after I had noticed it missing?  One would think I would have acted sooner.  Obviously.  Over Christmas and Boxing Day.  But as so many other stay at home women know, my husband would not be happy for me to have lost a credit card and go through the nonsense of having to get another.  My husband, in particular, would not be happy for me to have lost it again in as many months.  However, to defend myself, the first loss was more of an "eaten by the washing machine" than the current panic.  But there was also a reality, besides Zehrs, I had only been to my parents' and the children and I were agreed I hadn't taken my purse into their house.  Naturally, I gave the van a thorough clearing out, a complete cleaning including under the seats and failed to find the credit card.   I should now remind everyone that in our house whoever has the van has the matriarch.

It never occurred to me that the matriarch would start to go through my purse as part of her dementia--even as I write I find it hard to believe.  However, before calling the bank, I took her for her drive and stopped to get gas.  I took the funds from my wallet and went and got the gas for the van.  When I returned, my lovely credit card was on top of my purse.  No words were said, no explanations given; just me, relieved, wondering where the mastercard had come from... it never occurred to me that my mother-in-law may have had it.  Maybe she found it under the seat while waiting for me to get gas; maybe she expected a thank you.  I don't know but when I came in and told my children, they wondered why grandma had had it.  I had made them clean the van first and I had gone through it a second time;  the card was definitely not in my purse and probably not in the van.  I can't be 100 per cent sure for which I am grateful.  My mother-in-law, the one of a few years ago, would have been mortified to know I thought she went through my purse; the one I live with is more of a curious sort...

Christmas Day

It was a lovely Christmas Day...although, my soup did turn out, my turkey was tough and the matriarch forgot she didn't eat anything but sweets on Christmas Day.  But she was happy with four night gowns from Santa, the children were delighted with clothes and books and my husband didn't get the joke Santa played--a book on the search for truth in the modern world told in comic book form.

My parents came for dinner and they played cards with the children the better part of the afternoon; my father thought the kids would appreciate learning how to play cribbage and they spent most of the afternoon doing just that.  The matriarch kept wanting to play but she could not see the cards and it frustrated the life out of her not offering my father a real challenge.  She used to be quite the card shark in her day.  Of course, she never played to win--at least, that is what she kept saying to me, but one gets the feeling she didn't like losing either.

A quick word about dishes...my good set is Royal Albert "Country Rose."  My husband gave the set, a complete formal setting for 8, to my mother-in-law for Christmas one year.  When she moved in, she gave it to me.  Now, the matriarch also gave me my old good china about twenty years ago.  It was a second hand setting for 12 she bought in 1939; so, my old good dishes are almost 100 years old.  They are beautiful: hand-painted and embossed china rescued from England at the start of World War 2.  My children and their friends have never had a party without them; in the whole of my children's lives, they have never had a party without china.  My friends used to say I was crazy to let the children use the dishes but not once has a piece been broken.  My neighbour's aunt left her a similar set and she gave it to me--so I have the ability to have a formal dinner for 24: soup bowls, bread and dessert plates, main dishes, platters-you name it...except for a missing tea cup. My mother-in-law did not use the dishes when she owned them.  She would get them down for Christmas dinner and put them away straight after.  She told me the stories of carefully boxing them up after each holiday, wrapping each individual plate, cup and saucer in a bit of paper and putting them carefully away.  In all that lack of use, she only broke 1 tea cup.  My kids have had parties where every dish was used; if we ran out of dessert plates, bread plates, dinner plates, we would move on to soup bowls.  No one has broken anything and I tend to think it makes a good family story; even if the dishes get broken, so what?  Better to fall apart from family use than to have no memories of them being used at all.  So this Christmas, I set a formal breakfast table with the old good china and a formal dinner table with the Royal Albert and served courses to match.  The matriarch who couldn't really see either set was so proud to know all her dishes were being used..I think it may have been the highlight of her Christmas.

Who is Going to Die???

On the drive to Swiss Chalet today, the matriarch said to me, "Well, 3 people in the family died this year.  Who do you think will go next?"

It was a bizarre moment; I thought, "Chances are you will."
However, the longer one is alive the less likely one is to die.  Oddly, it's like being hit by lightening, your odds increase of being hit again simply because you have been hit once already.  The longer you are alive the greater your chances of continuing to live?  Maybe the matriarch sees herself as immortal?  She has told me she feels she is getting old--at almost 99. It seems so strange.  Anyhow, the staff at Swiss Chalet came over to wish her a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  Sometimes, I feel like we have a private booth at that place.  We are the definition of regulars, always a Wednesday, always in the afternoon.  The children have noticed she doesn't eat as much, leaving remnants of dessert rather than completely clearing the plate.  It is still amazes me to watch her.  And, both my husband and I have noticed she tends to favour the blind eye, leaning to the right as she attempts to put food on her fork.  Why would she favour the blind side?  But, I still see her eat like a horse despite my children's observations--still takes the fruit to bed and now wants peanut butter cookies, too.  Maybe the odds are on people who eat continually....

Naps and Attempted Rape

Most of the time, the matriarch is fine; mornings are great. But, after lunch, it can be seen in her face that she is slowing down; I take her for drives in the afternoon and she often falls asleep.  My children used to fall asleep in the car when they were little and in some ways, the matriarch is very like them.  Afternoon naps are good for the very old and the very young. 

In the twenties, the owner of a hotel in my mother-in-law's hometown attempted to rape her.  She fought him off and told him she wasn't that kind of girl.  The matriarch didn't quit her job and the owner of the hotel apparently never bothered her again but she remembers that afternoon as though it was yesterday.  She had never told my husband about the event and it was terrible to see it still bothered her eighty years later.  Later, when she was seventeen, the matriarch married her first husband; he was an alcoholic and beat her for almost fifteen years. He would get drunk, break all the mirrors in the house and then go after her.   When the Second World War broke out, he enlisted and she waved him off with the promise that if he returned the same man, she would leave him.  The matriarch told me that she had looked at herself in the mirror the day her husband enlisted and made a decision that she wanted a life without being hit.  She had elementary school education, lived in a farming community, and had no prospects but a lifetime of abuse. But, she knew she could do better. When her husband was sent overseas, she moved to Toronto and got a job doing laundry.  Eventually, she divorced him; in 1947, she became a known adulterer because it was easier to get the divorce on the grounds of female adultery than for reasons of battery.  No man ever hit her or threatened her sexually again.  My mother-in-law considers this an accomplishment in her life.

End of Holidays

My mother-in-law forgot my husband had been on holidays and had to return to work. Just like that, she forgot he had been home with her for almost the whole week. She wanted to know where he had gone this afternoon. I had to remind her everything is normal, my husband will be home after he goes to work and the children and I are still here. The poor woman had a shaken look--just for a moment and then reality reasserted itself. The dementia isn't constant; sometimes, my mother-in-law is as right as rain and everything is normal and right and then a curtain falls and someone else is there with a vague look in her eye. We have a doctor's appointment for early January.

It is causing tremendous stress between my husband and me. It is as though there is a debate between us: the matriarch is more normal with me than with you. Rationally, I know my mother-in-law is more calm, more focused when she is with my husband. But I also believe my husband sees what he wants to see and excuses a lot of my mother-in-law's behaviour. My oldest child has become upset about the situation and I don't think my husband understood how much until this weekend. And, even then, he shrugged it off. I know it is about to get very hard. I, at least, talk to people who are in or who have been in similar situations, and I feel somewhat prepared; my husband keeps saying his mother will die before she gets too bad. I don't know which he sees as worse his mother's dementia or her death. He doesn't talk about either and retreats into himself.

My husband's birthday is after Christmas; my youngest child's was last week. If the matriarch is to die around the holidays, I feel awful wishing it would happen sooner rather than later. I don't want her to die now but I would rather she die now than on Christmas or on my husband's birthday. Then, of course, this could all be moot and she could go on for years...I am trying to be pragmatic on one level but living with the constant worry about how the matriarch will behave or if she will die is awful. One cannot get used to it. Age is not an illness; funny, how the old can be institutionalized as though they can recover from age. It feels strange to have the shadow of death as a constant presence in my house. The anticipation is always there but I also think about my own death a lot. Ironically, in some ways, it has made me more fearless about my life. I am learning to ski and I am going to get the children a dog.

Christmas Shopping

Taking a 98 year old woman shopping at Christmas time is an adventure in hazard control.  People who have toys on their mind do not have time to say, "Excuse me."

My mother-in-law and I went to Sears for under garments for her; just a note, full-length slips are going out of style.  My mother-in-law got into a discussion with the sales clerk about what she was going to do next year.  She wears a slip like a petticoat, under everything, and is rather concerned about her future options.  The sales lady looked at her and I don't think knew what to say.  I mean the reality is the matriarch may not be here next year...but, then again, she could be here.  I think sometimes I get so caught up in the possibility of her death that I forget every day is also a day in her life.  The sales lady told the matriarch to come back in the spring and see if things have changed, maybe the buyers will have ordered more slips.  I think she was at a loss at what to say.  I did not know what to say; they also no longer sell the type of underwear my mother-in-law likes.  Years and years ago, women used to wear a boxer type undergarment; it was feminine and comfortable and like shorts, they are also out of style.  The old aren't much for shopping regularly but they are consistent when they do shop and they don't like change.  At least, the matriarch is like that...

After the slip adventure, I had to take the matriarch back to the car to drive down to the mall guest office to buy gift cards for the children.  There was no way she could walk through the mall, she was nearly in tears they didn't have chairs to rest in at Sears.  The matriarch left the store in a rush with me following her, carrying packages, thinking "Why are you leaving so fast?  It is icy.  You are blind and haven't a clue where the car is."

There was no parking in the handicapped spots around the mall; there were cars parked in those spots, sometimes 3 in one spot, but none of them with a handicapped sticker. At the start, I had dropped the matriarch off at Sears, brought her into the store, had to go park the van, and then had to rush back to find the matriarch wandering around the store.  For the second part of the visit, my mother-in-law didn't want to get out of the van.  I went into the mall alone and joined the line-up for CadillacFairview gift cards; the 3 women ahead of me were all caretakers for the old and were discussing their situations.  One lady was getting a wheelchair for her 96 year old mother; she told me her mother had once apologized for living so long.  Another lady was a paid care giver to an ill 88 year old; she couldn't take her shopping; the poor senior could barely get out of bed.  I know I am lucky.  The matriarch has enough spirit in her to drive me crazy, to walk where she wants to go and to still have a life.  I can't imagine what it is like to have lived so long and to still want to continue...but in the greater scheme of things, 100 years really isn't that long.

Witness to Misery (or Why I don't Kill my husband)

At dinner, this evening, like 5 minutes ago, my mother-in-law accused me of not feeding my children--ever.  And, my husband, partner, love of my life, began laughing.  The matriarch thinks I am too busy to feed my children breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Thank goodness for my oldest: "We had breakfast!" and for my middle child "We had lunch at the ski chalet!" 

My husband is on holidays this week and it is his turn to do Granny-care and, although it is his mother, there are obvious issues.  So, naturally, I am taking the children all over the place--well, actually, I am taking them skiing all the time; we took a gamble on a cheap pass last summer and I am making sure we get our money's worth in case this wonderful snow disappears.  Anyhow, my husband really enjoys taking care of his mother-please understand I am being sarcastic; they did lunch today at Montana's and she brought home her uneaten ribs so he could have dinner.  He thought this was funny until the matriarch told him, at dinner, he could have something to eat.  My husband pointed out I had made stew and the matriarch responded with a request for peanut butter and jam on toast.  I am trying to be charitable, really, I am.  But I mouthed the words to my husband: "You owe me BIG TIME!"

Of course, these are memory issues and age things and whatever goes on between a mother and her only son, but it is also crazy and distracting.  I get terribly defensive.  I get terribly defensive when I have made a stew and put it in the crock pot so there is nothing to do at dinner time but set the table and the mother-in-law thinks I am asking my husband to do too much.  But, then, she turns around and tells me, not my husband, that I am taking her shopping tomorrow because there are only 9 days left to Christmas and she needs to buy the children their gift cards--please note not gifts, giftcards. 

Of course, to be fair, I smiled at her and told her my husband was taking her shopping because I was taking the children to piano. 

I am reading Dr. Sloan's "A Bitter Pill," a book about the fragile elderly and I so admire his patience and agree with his ideas.  To be honest, as the matriarch ages and she is aging very fast right now, she is becoming extremely cantankerous and independently minded.  But I still have to be kind and patient and not scream and yell that she is an extremely selfish woman.  Imagine coming home from a skiing adventure, kids pink cheeked and happy, smell of Christmas in the air and the first thing the matriarch says is, "I had a wonderful lunch today and I won't be needing dinner."  No concern for what the children got up to, how they were skiing, if they had a nice time.  Dr. Sloan talks about how to take care of the elderly and the elderly person's caregiver but I don't know how to deal with that person inside me that wants to say to the matriarch "You were a selfish woman and you are a selfish woman and you need to get over it NOW!"  I know I can't and I won't but the desire is still there.  The matriarch asked me if I could go to work and my husband retire.  This is what I live with and she thinks it would improve if my husband was home all the time.  Like he would take her for lunch every Wednesday and Saturday??? 

Oh, he probably would....

A Christmas Party

We had our annual Christmas Afternoon Open House yesterday; my mother-in-law stayed down for the whole afternoon.  It was draining on her but I think she had a good time.  All the children had pictures taken with Santa Claus and my mother-in-law did too.  She enjoyed the sweet buffet and wasn't a bother.  It was nice to see her happy although, afterwards, she was tired out.  My husband was talking to his cousin about the matriarch's eyesight; she cannot see one thing in front of her but then she can pick a dime up off the floor--go figure.  It was a lovely afternoon.

The Thing About the Memory...

Alzheimer's, if that is what age-related dementia is, is not a sudden on-set loss of memory; it is a gradual thing and the tragedy of it is that the senior knows what is happening until they don't.  The matriarch's thought processes are not quite that bad; at least, not yet.  She has lost just enough of her recent memory to know she has said something that she has forgotten and, by gosh, she is right whatever she said.  It drives me crazy.  It drives her crazy.  It drives the children crazy.  My mother-in-law asked my children what they were going to bake for Christmas this week.  They told her.  She asked again.  They told her.  She asked a third time and my youngest was left to answer a third time.  The children never lose patience and I am extremely proud of them for that.   And, the mother-in-law knows they are being good; after conversations such as the baking one, she tends to stay downstairs and listen to them practice piano.  Maybe it is instinctual but the matriarch does know we are trying.

I heard two stories about Alzheimers.  A man lived in a decent home and every week, his son went to visit; then, one weekend, the man was waiting at the door with his bag in hand saying he wanted to go home.  The man had never complained before so the son talked to the home.  A decision was made that perhaps the man was bored and needed a job and the home found him one, folding laundry.  Six weeks went by and every weekend, the man would visit with his son quite happy about the new job.  Then, the son met the man at the door again; the man wanted to go home; he hadn't been paid in six weeks.  Sounds like a joke...except I know the son.  He arranged for the home to pay the man in cheques he provided and he cashed for his father.  The home was more than accommodating. 

Second story isn't quite so amusing: my friend's father lives in a home and has terrible consequences from diabetes.  He is on leg braces but his mind is good and he is quite social.  Every afternoon, he is given a sleeping pill.  My friend has been told it is to help with his anxiety; she knew nothing about the pill or about his anxiety and has suspicions about the pill.  I don't know.  I just keep thinking that as much as the matriarch inconveniences me and how sometimes I get terribly depressed about our situation, I don't think in good conscience I could change it.  Our meals are pretty good; despite what the matriarch says about my cooking, she does eat it.  She has company three times a day plus throughout the day and she gets out fairly regularly.  The routine has got to have helped with her mindset; to be losing one's memory at almost 99 has got to count for something.  Tonight, she went to bed with mincemeat tarts, no frozen fruit, after a dessert of fresh made short bread; I don't think a home would let her have the sugar I do--but she is not diabetic (I have no idea why not) and she likes it.

Lunch, Again....

My mother-in-law had lunch out Wednesday with my mother, with the children and me on Friday, with my husband on Saturday and with us again on Sunday.  She wanted to go out again today.  My cooking really isn't that bad; I don't think it is.  Lunch is becoming a bit of an issue.  The children and I are tired of eating out; it's getting expensive and, really, no matter how nice the place, there comes a point where one just wants to eat at home.  Not the matriarch.

On the drive today, the matriarch got to talking about the snow, we've had a little, and how it is going to make driving treacherous.  Not in a mood for pessimism, I told her she better not think so because I won't be going out if she (please note "she") thinks it's dangerous.  The mother-in-law had to pause for a moment; she likes these daily drives.  She has talked about the weather being good for the stevedores, about her first husband's sojourn in the military, about trips to Angus via hitch-hiking, about baking pies and using money to take a bus to Angus when her husband was in the military.  I know she is getting confused, says odd things and repeats similar stories but changes the details of the plot-lines.  But, I am not correcting her anymore and, therefore not frustrating her or myself.  I spoke to a caregiver of someone with serious Alzheimer's and she suggested dealing with my mother-in-law as she is rather than correcting her.  It will be hard ahead.  I have to find the humour in this new reality.

I don't know what a stevedore is;  the lunch routine will have to be changed; I can't rely on my mother-in-law's constancy anymore.  Today, she wanted a brownie until my child made her tea and asked her to come and have the brownie...and the matriarch changed her mind.  But, then, took it to her room and ate it anyhow.  Such is age, I guess...

Maybe I am Wrong?

So, today was a new day with my mother-in-law deciding she wanted to join TOPS.  It is a diet group, Take Pounds Off Sensibly.  I asked "Where did this idea come from?"

My mother-in-law eats a lot, and I mean that seriously, but she is a tiny woman, less than 4'8" and healthy but not heavy.  TOPS apparently does a luncheon for Christmas and she wants to go; I told her she would have to join the group and dieting would not be a good activity for her.  I asked her if she wanted me to phone the company to see if she could join their Christmas Outing.  Her old neighbour, who had told her about TOPS, had failed to mention there was a membership; she had only told my mother-in-law she was going for lunch.  This precipitated two questions a) if the neighbour has diabetes, why is she eating out? and b) what is her husband doing (as in, would he like company for lunch?)?  Eating out is a big deal for my mother-in-law and I am not being derogatory when I say she would live at Swiss Chalet, she really is happiest there.

I wish sometimes I had more sympathy for my mother-in-law; I wish I was wrong about a lot of my thoughts.  But, then, she has been here for a year now and before that, I was her main caregiver for ten years; I used to drive over to her house, sometimes daily, to insure her independence.  She still feels independent here.  Every night before she goes to bed, the family, all of us, kiss her good night and every morning, she is welcomed to the breakfast table; so, I know we try to make it work.  But I also know, a senior who chooses to watch television rather than listen to grandchildren play piano is making their own choice.  I know none of this is personal, how could we live if it was?  But I also know, some habits are ingrained, despite mild dementia, and I don't know if they'd be any different if my mother-in-law was a younger woman.

Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to put her into a home; of course it would because then I wouldn't have to think about her or worry.  I would have to make myself believe she was in good care.  But, I don't believe that and I think, no matter how good a home is, it is not family care.  Because for all these stories and, lately, the difficult times, I honestly love my mother-in-law and I am glad she is here.

Life With a Senior

The thing about old people is, unless they choose to do something productive with their time, they do nothing except think.  Maybe I am being harsh but I have found the happiest seniors are those who look outside themselves and not just at the grandchildren; it is amazing how great and how large the world can be if one just looks beyond the mirror.  The matriarch had a lovely lunch with my mother yesterday; she came home with plans to do it again.  Today.  I really don't think my mother-in-law understands, rationally understands, people have lives when they are not with her.  Maybe solipsism is a sign of dementia, I don't know, but I had to explain to my mother-in-law that people cannot go out for lunch everyday: they don't want to, they have other obligations, they can't afford it.  It was like an insult to her.

I am dreading taking her to the doctor again.  The dementia is getting worse and I think more activity makes it so but I hate having to discuss the situation with the doctor in front of her.  It is better for the matriarch to get out.  But I notice whenever I take her for a drive, her eye gets red and swollen and looks painful but she says there is no pain.  Is it the dementia or a willingness to put up with pain rather than lose the daily drives?  Whenever we do lunch, always on a Wednesday, she wonders if we can do it again on the Friday because we haven't been out all week.  Has she forgotten my husband takes her for lunch on Saturdays or that we were just out or she just wants another day?  Dementia is weird when it strikes the very old; my mother-in-law cannot draw a twelve hour clock, she stops at five; she usually gets the dates wrong, but not the day of the week; she anticipates events that have already happened, like the wedding, but worries about the future, like dinner tomorrow.  And, I know she won't like me talking about her changes with someone, even her doctor who is a very nice man, outside of the family.

The last odd thing that is becoming more frequent is my mother-in-law's responses to questions; she says: "I have a clear conscience."  I haven't a clue why she has chosen to use that phrase.  She has told me she has no regrets in her life and she sleeps easily.   There are things I know she has done which I would seriously regret but I have a very different moral code.  Maybe our morals and acceptance of things change as we age; I understand our sympathies grow but I wonder about our conscience; I have thoughts that sometimes keep me awake.

The Eyes, Again...

My mother-in-law telephoned an old neighbour of her's today, just to chat, and she got off the telephone more depressed than I have seen her for a while.  The neighbour is going blind; her eyes are bleeding for some reason and need to be cauterized; actually, I don't know if they are going to be cauterized but she is going to have emergency laser treatment next week.  Unlike my mother-in-law with her herpes of the eye that was curable, the neighbour has diabetes and has failed to maintain a healthy diet.  This sugar habit really seems to affect seniors!  Anyhow, it got the matriarch thinking of how she is going to maintain her independence if she is blind.  Not to point out the obvious, but she really isn't independent now...I didn't say that to her; I asked her if she had plans to go dancing?  What exactly did she want to do that being blind would somehow prevent her from doing?  She had to think for a minute.  Sometimes, you really have to wonder about people.  I have been cutting up the matriarch's meat at dinnertime for awhile; I cannot say it started because of her sight but it is not like something new will be happening.  The constant darkness may be new and I know frightening, but she is here and we won't suddenly stop helping her. 

The matriarch went on to tell me her neighbour will never see her son again, 'see' in the visual sense; the son lives in the prairies and the neighbour will be blind before he ever returns to Ontario.  I wanted to say, but didn't, the son has lived in the prairies for forty years and has never been back to visit.  I wanted to say, but didn't, that my mother-in-law is so very lucky to be wanted by family.  She knows a lot of people who aren't so lucky.

It never rains but it pours: I also think the matriarch is going deaf; it figures, the body is failing more quickly than the spirit.  At lunch, today, food on the table lunchtime, one of my children revealed plans to buy the film 'Snatch' for my husband.  The matriarch heard the word "lunch" and said, "Yes, we could go to lunch."
And the child responded, "Not lunch, 'Snatch.'"
Then Grandma said, "I don't want a snack but we could go to Swiss Chalet for lunch."
To which I responded, "No, we're eating lunch now."
And, the matriarch got annoyed because no one was understanding her.  Then, I told her my parents were taking her to Swiss Chalet tomorrow and her humour cleared till she made the phone call.  I don't imagine life will be that different when the matriarch is blind; the staff at Swiss Chalet are very good and she'll be fine as long as she can do lunch.  (Though to be honest, I am back eating the bags of chipits and have a stash of turtles for nights like this one...)

Crazy Cats and Grandmothers

The matriarch loves the cat.  She does not pet him, she does not attempt to feed him but she talks to him like he's her bosom buddy.  After this morning's drive, I could hear her talking to the animal about her ride to Angus and the visit to the guitar store and how she was going to have a Werther's.  Pumpkin, the cat, an orange tabby, who was a wild farm cat, doesn't seem to mind the company.  He sits with the matriarch for hours on end while she talks to him; she sits in her Lazyboy and he stares at her from her bed.  I have watched them from the doorway and they both seem quite content.  I used to think the matriarch was lonely and wanted to talk to me but she seems to prefer the cat.  She stops talking if I ask her if I may join her.  That's okay.  As long as my mother-in-law is happy, I am too.

The Blind Side

The matriarch's eyes have been failing for awhile now; I may make jokes about the inconveniences of it all, but she has been able to see half-way. This morning, we discussed that she is almost, wholly blind. The matriarch brought the subject up, in a way. She was complaining about the way my husband set up her Christmas decorations; she cannot see to plug the lights in. My husband set it up so all the matriarch would have to do would be to press a button on a power cord and her little figurines would light up and the music would play and she could have her own winter wonderland. The matriarch cannot see the button; she, apparently, also cannot feel it. So, naturally, it was my husband's fault. The matriarch pulled out the power cord to use as an alternative power switch but could not see to plug it back in. I defended my husband and then told the matriarch she would only have to let me know and I would turn her lights on. But, I did mention to her I could not do things immediately. This brought two points to the fore: the matriarch cannot see and she demands immediate action. The sight issue is hurting her. The matriarch has often remarked that she would live with what she has but I don't think she ever really expected to go blind and I think it scares her. It scares me.

My Husband Does Lunch

My mother-in-law and her son went for lunch today.  They went shopping.  They sought Christmas decorations because my mother-in-law is going to add to the stock she already has.  They went to the hardware store because she was looking for something (I don't know what).  And, they came home where my husband, patient man that he is, had to pull out all her Christmas decorations and try to find a non-existent second box of  jolly stuff.  I think I might have thrown it out.  In the midst of this, my husband came upon a toaster oven.  "Did you know my mother had a toaster oven up there?"

Of course, I did not know.  That would be a fire hazard.  My husband moved her in, you would think he might have noticed.  You would think I would have noticed after a year of cleaning her room; but, then, it is her room and I don't pry into closed cupboards or drawers.  It is her room, large enough to have a bedroom suite, a couple of lazy boy chairs (both bought new when the matriarch moved in), a television set and her own en suite.  It is her room and as much as I do for her, I can't forget she is another person with her own privacy and her own wants and likes.  I feel like an invader when I have to clean.  Of course, I did not know she had a toaster oven but the whole secret cheese pounds suddenly make sense.  My husband has had to tell his mother that she can't use the toaster oven in the bedroom, that she is not to keep bread and cheese hidden away and, if she wants anything, she is to let me know and I will get it for her.  I wanted to say, "Thank you very much."  He just added more to my work load, but, honestly, where does such a tiny woman put away all this food?  The matriarch told my husband she does not use the toaster oven but keeps it just in case...Just in case of what? 

I keep thinking about that 111 year old veteran.  It is not beyond the realm of possibility of my mother-in-law making, yet another, move.  Can you imagine: she could outlive us all.  And, I am not being facetious.  There is nothing we could do if she wanted to move...I hate this powerless feeling.

This is NOT a rant.....

Swiss Chalet is the matriarch's favourite restaurant.  The staff at the Barrie Mapleview restaurant are, without exception, incredible; they treat my mother-in-law like a Queen, celebrate her birthday with her, know her favourite meals and are probably the nicest group of people around.  If they were the standard, I could name a few stores I have dealt with lately that don't even come close to remotely acceptable behaviour.  I am allowed to complain about the matriarch; I am with her 24/7 and for the all the nonsense I know for a 98 year old lady she is incredible.  However, a cashier yawned in the matriarch's face today; it doesn't matter she couldn't see her, it was rude.  At another store, the cashier got bothered because my mother-in-law had to search through her purse for her envelope of money to pay for her Poppycock Sweets; the woman kept making asides to the bag boy and he was embarrassed.  Lastly, and I phoned to complain about this, my mother-in-law was refused service because she was very old and someone didn't want to deal with her.  All of these behaviours are unacceptable.  All of them were wrong and annoying.  And, I deeply resent people who fail to recognize that we all become seniors and we are all people worthy of polite consideration.  Not everyone has to be friendly, but all people in customer service, whatever kind, should be polite.  I know my mother-in-law is not the easiest person to deal with but there is no excuse for failing to recognize that this person before you has lived for a very long time and is entitled to some respect.  Aargh!  It was a very long day, and we weren't shopping for that long, but I swear we met every inconsiderate and rude person going today. 

Why Do I Argue???

My mother-in-law closed all the windows in her room, yesterday, because it was too sunny; it wasn't, we have had non-stop rain.  So, naturally, because I am an idiot, I disagreed with her, said it wasn't sunny and she became annoyed.  Why do I do such things?  Does it matter all that much?  Is it so important for me to be right?  She felt warmth on her face and closed the shutters because she thought it was too hot.  It's November, it was evening, it wasn't sunny.  I wonder why it matters to me so much...The matriarch also lied in a phone call to her sister-in-law about my house being decorated for Christmas; she said I had it lovely with lights and tree cut and decorated.  It's not.  It's still November.  I don't decorate till December; and I can't help but connect the two situations and wonder if my mother-in-law is trying to make the world over in her image, her wants.  I asked her if she really thought the house was decorated or was fibbing for a reason.  She looked at me and said, "It will be nice when it's done..."

Was that a dig at me?  I don't know.  The matriarch has asked me to take her to visit her husband's grave, my husband's father's.  Her sister-in-law went last Sunday; we go next Sunday.  She has never requested before that my husband or I take her to see the grave site.  I hate to think she is so easily influenced by her sister-in-law.  The sister-in-law also has her house already decorated; the woman has no children, is retired and has time on her hands.  Of course, the matriarch wonders why she doesn't come to see her and take for lunch (that's my dig).  It's sad to think, at her age, she is still so dissatisfied with a life she has chosen to live.  She told the sister-in-law she had her room lovely with Christmas lights and, it will look lovely, when she does decorate it.  But, she hasn't decorated, yet, and she hasn't even asked my husband to get her decorations out of the attic.  I wonder if we ever stop lying about the type of people we are verses the people we want to be.  It makes for confusion: is it the dementia talking or is the woman conscious of what she is saying? 

Time to count the minutes

My mother-in-law got it into her head that my husband wanted a pocket watch.  That idea, in and of itself, is true.  My husband has always preferred a pocket watch to a wrist watch and he broke his last pocket watch a few years ago.  My father-in-law worked for the railway and had an extremely elaborate time piece for the railway per their instructions; he has been dead for almost thirty years and my husband keeps that pocket watch in a safe deposit box.  Somehow, my mother-in-law conflated the two and asked my father to find a jeweler to make my husband a pocket watch for a thousand dollars.  Just to be on the safe side, my father checked with me.  I nearly had a heart attack: a thousand dollars for a watch!?  I don't think so.  But, then, I am prone to jump the gun on things; I double checked with my husband and...he nearly had a heart attack.  His first thought was if his mother wants to give him a thousand dollar watch, he'd prefer the cash.  So, today, in the midst of our drive about town, I asked my mother-in-law about said pocket watch.  At no point in the conversation did she mention she had spoken to my father, but she did allude to a watch she had seen at a garage sale for fifteen cents.  I don't know where this thousand dollar idea came from but, as of this writing, I think the matriarch hopes to buy my husband a watch at Zellers and that is fine.  I mentioned to my husband that maybe I should bring his mother to the doctor to change the medication on her dementia pills; there are degrees to dementia and medication to help with each level.  The matriarch's progression is slow but, maybe, it is time for an up-date.  I don't want her getting confused about something else and not catching it in time.

Babysitting and the 100 year old Woman

My oldest child is 14 but it is very rare I leave all three children alone in the house with my mother-in-law; it's not that I don't think she can't manage them, they are very good children, but I don't want them to worry about her dying.  It is not a nice thought.  But I don't want my children to be the ones to find the matriarch deceased.  It is a very real possibility and I don't want it to happen.  I also don't want my husband to find his mother dead; I don't want it to be me, either, but the reality is better me than anyone else.  So, I don't get out much and my husband and I very rarely get out together; my parents can cover but, then, the matriarch is aware and wonders why I don't leave the children with her.  And, that is an awkward conversation....

I went to the movies last night with some friends and my parents took the children to their evening activities and brought them home.  My mother-in-law wasn't happy.  She knows, for some reason, I won't leave the children alone with her at night.  I don't think it has occurred to her that she could die and that might not be pleasant for the children.  We anticipate dying but people don't actually think of the mechanics of their death; it can be a bit gross.  When I pre-paid for the mother-in-law's funeral last year, I realize I may have been jumping the gun, the lady I dealt with told me what to expect.  Most seniors my mother-in-law's age die in their sleep; it is a pleasant way to die but the body empties out and there is a smell and a person who has died in their sleep can mean the blood drains to the back and their colour is strange. We are not to call 911 if the matriarch dies; we are to call the police, they will call the coroner and the funeral home.  It is not an emergency.  I feel so prepared and, yet, I don't think the matriarch is going to die soon.  I mean she could, but I don't think she will, but I live as though she might.  Hence, no babysitting.  And, as a result of all this preparedness, I try very hard never to leave the children alone with the matriarch for extended periods of time.  It can be very draining...

When I heard the last Canadian veteran of the first World War was still alive at 111, I nearly cried; I don't want to live this way for another 13 years.  My husband and I may not get out again together till I am in my fifties!!  But, then, I think it's not so bad; it could be worse.  Everything could be worse.  If this is the way life is to be, I can still look in the mirror and not feel so badly.  My children are learning compassion and patience.  They will be decent people; of that, I am assured.  That makes it worthwhile.  Plus, my husband and I like each other; stress like this kills relationships and you either laugh or cry but struggle to endure.  Struggling together is a rare adventure people appreciate; if I have to do this, I am glad I have to do it with him.  Now, I need to end this on a happy note.  For all my talk of not leaving the children with the mother-in-law, I am about to sneak out to get milk before the children get up.  The matriarch has had breakfast and my husband is sleeping, so, technically, the children are not alone; I'll nip out and get the milk and not tell the matriarch.  I know she'd want to come with me because she is out of potato chips and Werther's caramels and, yesterday, when I took her for her drive, she wanted to pick up some chocolate bars....I don't think anyone believes me about the sugar...until they see her eat!

Ageing Gracefully ?

Lately, I have noticed the Matriarch doesn't spit out food all the time.  She didn't spit anything out at the wedding or when my parents took her for lunch; but, she has been gangbusters for it at lunch and dinner today.  I suggested to my husband that, maybe, she spits food out as retaliation; the weekend was lovely and busy and today, we're back in routine and the mother-in-law is not happy.  Obviously, this isn't an age thing; I mean it is but it is also a symptom of petulance.  The matriarch spent the entire day in her room; refused to come down for tea and muffins this evening and didn't want them brought to her room.  She did have her chocolates, her strawberries and the tea my husband brought to her after dinner but nothing else (unless there is more mystery cheese hidden about!).  I don't know.  I keep hoping a flash of maturity will suddenly hit.  My husband laughs and says to me, "If it hasn't happened yet, why are you eternally hopeful?"

Sometimes, I wonder what I will be like when I am old...I think I'd rather be dead than age in a world that has forgotten about me.  My mother-in-law sits in her room and does nothing unless asked.  I mean she is always willing to go shopping or for a drive or do lunch--without question, she will always do lunch.  But she will not incite or ask to do something; she doesn't even have to ask, she never seems to want to do anything.  It is as though the matriarch wants to be constantly invited back into the world.  That makes it tedious.  One is never sure of what the matriarch does want; she has the right to say "No" and has used it.  I think that is why she spits out food; she is not a rude woman and she must know I have to clean it up; so, I think maybe she is doing it on purpose and she does it when she is annoyed.  But, I can't dance attendance on her.  No one can.  If she was in a home, it would be no different.  Nurses and nursing assistants aren't paid to do lunch everyday and my mother-in-law, believe it or not, really doesn't like old people.  For some reason, she doesn't view herself as old; I don't understand it either but for the fact I look in the mirror and see myself as I was at 17 with all the anxieties and the immaturity.  Oh well.  I am off to read "Delphi Keep" to the children; the matriarch has shut the door because she doesn't like this book.  The next one will have to be another vampire story or a romance, maybe a spy thriller....

The Wedding....

It was a beautiful event for my friend; she looked beautiful and she and the groom are off to a Happy start.  The matriarch had a great time; though, I didn't have time to get her a new dress, I did get her hair done and she went to the spa for her manicure and pedicure.  It was a Catholic Wedding and the kneeling, standing and sitting nearly killed her; my husband told his mother she didn't have to participate, she could just sit and watch, but I don't know what got into my mother-in-law.  It was as if she was out to prove something at the Wedding.  She participated fully in the Mass; my parents took her out for lunch (1/4 chicken dinner and coconut cream pie); she came to the reception (appetizers, dinner, dessert, Wedding Cake) and stayed awake the whole day.  Even the children couldn't believe their Grandma...She didn't sleep the hour drive home and ate fruit and chocolate before she went to bed.  I think she had a good time and the matriarch thought the bride looked lovely.  My husband and I were able to dance together and the children were able to run around and have fun and people came over to the matriarch and told her how wonderful she was 98.  It was a lovely day.

Weddings and Dresses

This weekend, we go to my friend's wedding.  The children are in the wedding party and I am the maid of honour and my mother-in-law told the hair dresser yesterday she wanted a new dress.  I did not know.  She told my husband last night.  The matriarch told my husband in a curious way: she wondered why I didn't take her dress shopping to buy a new dress.  This wedding has been a bit of an odd situation; everyone is over 40 and it is a first marriage and there is very little direction and I, honestly, didn't even think about taking my mother-in-law out to get a new dress.  She has been invited because she lives with us and my friend is doing me a favour; my husband couldn't come if his mother hadn't been invited.  We can't leave her alone for extended periods of time.  Anyhow, the matriarch did not tell me she wanted a new dress and, now, I feel awful.  But to make matters worse, what can I do?  Money is an odd issue--the matriarch wants a new dress in the $5.00 range.  I guess it is part of the mild dementia but I don't know where to get a $5.00 dress--even the dresses at Goodwill are beyond that price.  So, the matriarch is wearing a royal blue and black outfit which is really quite nice but not new.  And, she keeps making digs about how the dress is not new.  I can take her shopping on Friday after the hairdressers for the children and barbers for my husband; but, right now, it seems no matter what I try to do I fail someone.  Plus, and this is like the cherry on the sundae, my mother-in-law is going on about her sight again.  It's not going to change, she reminds me, and I am left to agree with her.  It's not going to change and there is not a thing the doctor can do; so, if she did get a new dress, she would be relying on my opinion and it would be a set up.  There is no pleasing her.  I can't imagine what she wants because I can't make her see again, I can't choose a dress I know for sure she will like, I know this wedding is going to take a lot out of her and I can almost guarantee she is not going to enjoy it ( the food will be too tough, the desserts won't be enough, she won't like the music...) and I feel sometimes I try so hard only to disappoint.

Santa in the city and my Mother-in-law at home

Every year, I take the children to the Toronto Santa Claus Parade and it's a great time.  They are getting a little too old and I don't think they really believe in Santa anymore but it is a tradition.  And, it is a tradition I have kept up for my children since my oldest was born.  I know they come more to keep me company than to actually see the parade but I think it is important.  Maybe it's not but, right now, I still like doing it.  I'll probably go for as long as there is a parade--I love the Santa Claus parade.  Who knows how long the children will come with me...my husband used to come when we were dating...anyhow, my mother-in-law can't come.  The walk is too much, the distance to Toronto too far...boy, was she angry.  My husband kept her company while we were gone but he didn't take her for a drive and didn't take her for lunch--he did yesterday, but not today.  So, the matriarch has been sitting up in her room fuming and fuming at me in particular.  When we came home, I ordered pizza for the children's dinner and made my mother-in-law : potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots and turnip, leftover roast and gravy.  It was liked I slapped her in the face--she didn't get to go out and she didn't get to eat out and she wasn't happy.  She waited till the dinner was hot and on the table and then told me she wasn't hungry and wasn't eating; the matriarch did have room for dessert, however.  I understand the matriarch was royally peeved but the whole family's life can't stop just because she is too old old to participate.  She wasn't left alone and she wasn't left hungry.  But boy oh boy was she mad....and now she's off to bed an hour earlier than usual!

Saturday Night Dinner and an Evil Genius

My youngest child is my husband's nemesis.  Tonight, while trying to sort out, yet again, who was doing the dishes, the kid began to sing at the table "I'm an evil genius.  I'm an evil genius." 
And, avoided doing dishes by exasperating my husband.  His mother shook her head but stayed downstairs to watch or listen to the children's antics.  Sometimes, they drive my husband crazy...and, as much as he thinks he has control, my husband has no say in whatever is going on in the house. I begin to think power, in any sense, is a delusion when it comes to the young and the old.

My mother-in-law was furious at me today; the water heater went and the smaller car went and I had to take the van for my children's basketball and swimming.  No lunch out for her. The matriarch ignored my husband all morning and, when the children and I returned home, she ignored us, too.  You would think at 98 it wouldn't matter so much.  But, she counts on those Saturday luncheons and events were unavoidable.  Oh well.  I don't care.  She stayed downstairs with us after dinner and, I like to think, enjoyed our company.

The Case of the Found Cheese

My mother-in-law gave me a pound of old style cheddar cheese today.  I said, being the sort of person I am,
"Where did you get the cheese?"
"Well, you know..."
No, I don't know.  The matriarch no longer comes shopping with me unless she is short on chips or caramels.  So, I haven't a clue where she got this pound of cheese.  I have talked to her about having food in her room; there have been requests to not keep fruit beyond its mouldy date.  I thought everything was quite clear.  But, the mother-in-law told me she had eaten the first pound of cheese, didn't really like it and was giving me the second.  I have visions of this tiny, old lady sticking pounds of cheese in her rather large handbag as we wandered through a grocery store.

My husband is no help in this matter.
"What are you worried about?"
I don't know--bugs, smells, rotting food.  It scares me she ate a pound of cheese without me knowing.  For God's sake, we live in the same house!  I clean her washroom and vacuum her room.  I want my husband to go through her room and check for hidden food; she can have it, I don't care, but I want to be able to throw it out before it hits the decomposition due date.  Even my children think it's a little bit of an odd habit; they don't want the possible smell.  This is one of those weird arguments partners have: find out if your Mom is hiding food in her room.  My husband doesn't think it's a big deal; I, of course, think it is.  But, it is his mother.  Where did she get the cheese???

Spanish Flu

Well, the matriarch was alive during the Spanish Flu; she remembers Dresden, a small town in Southwestern Ontario, being put into quarantine.  Her family ran a farm near Christina, Ontario and they brought produce into Dresden; they stopped at the barricades, pushed food under the barriers and waited while someone got a new list of wanted items.  No one touched hands and no money was exchanged.  My mother-in-law remembers peering under the fence to look at the people who couldn't leave the town.  She doesn't remember how many times they went into town in this manner but she does have a distinct recollection of at least one visit.  Strange to think N1H1 doesn't scare her; she's probably had it already; but, the paranoia that is developing around the 'flu does threaten her.

My mother-in-law cannot go to her Doctor's; she doesn't need to see him, doesn't need a blood test or anything, but the fact she cannot visit her Doctor deeply worries her.  What if she got sick?  As two of my children are already in bed with colds, I understand her worry.  But, what?  Unless, the 'flu is really bad, there isn't much to be done; the situation is much better than 1918: better sanitation, indoor plumbing, central heating.  Strange how things I take for granted can make a world of difference to someone else.  The mother-in-law has been up in her room most of the day; I think she is trying to stay away from the children and not share their colds.  I don't know if it will help.  Colds and 'flues sound so threatening now--what with line-ups, fears, privileging of sports teams...Unless, the cold or 'flu is bad, it is still just a cold or 'flu; we can't get vaccinated, yet, and Doctors' offices are nightmares.  I guess staying in bed is the best thing.  I wonder if the matriarch will stay upstairs tomorrow, too?

Bridal Shower

On Sunday, my mother, the mother-in-law, my children and I went to a bridal shower.  The old lady was in her element: people made a fuss, she was a star because she had a history with 3 marriages; and no one would believe she got divorced 5 years ago.  Plus, while she didn't eat the lunch, she got right in there with the desserts; sometimes, I feel people don't believe me about the amount she eats, then they see her eat and change their minds.  My friend's grandmother lives with her parents, she's only 96, and she, too, eats sugar like it is going out of style.  I begin to think a healthy heart is maintained in old age by an ever increasing amount of sugar.

Colm Feore and Last Chances

Stratford was magnificent; it was rejuvenating to get away with my husband and my children and to not be worried.  It was liberating for all of us.  In a way, it was a relief for my mother-in-law, too.  It wasn't quite so pleasant for her but she was forced to combat some truths in her time away that must be a relief for her to acknowledge.

The matriarch's sister-in-law told her she couldn't visit again till spring; she takes too great a toll on her sister-in-law.  I think the matriarch was bit surprised by this.  Her sister-in-law has had cancer recently and her husband is suffering the early stages of Alzheimer's; dealing with a 98 year old is too much.  I didn't know about the husband when we sought this excursion for the matriarch.  Originally, the plan had been for a day visit but the mother-in-law wanted 3 days; I finally asked the sister-in-law for an overnight and she agreed to welcome the matriarch overnight.  But, over the course of the visit, my husband's Aunt told his mother she asked a lot of people.  I know the matriarch was upset when she came home.  She was upset she couldn't stay longer; she was upset she couldn't do another visit; she was upset her sister-in-law made it clear she would take care of her husband and not my mother-in-law in the future.  Only someone who has known the matriarch for so long could talk to her this way and get away with it.  I don't think my mother-in-law has ever thought of what she asks of people, demands of them.  My poor husband has been there for her his whole life and he has never been good enough and his Aunt told the matriarch he is as good as it ever will get.  And, she's got it pretty good.

The trip also tired her out; the matriarch spent most of the day sleeping and went to bed early.  I surmise the matriarch has never seen her life as someone else's burden; I don't know what gives meaning to life but being waited on all the time can hardly be pleasant in the long run.  I don't even know if one could argue it is her way of having control, some sort of independence; the matriarch has always seen people in terms of her need, even when she was much younger.  It only occurred to me, after listening to the matriarch's annoyance at her sister-in-law's remarks, that my earliest visits to her occurred when she needed to go to the Doctor's for a lady's complaint.  They were always for her to do something.  I feel so rejuvenated right now I can express pity and not resentment.

Orangeville and Macbeth

The matriarch has gone for an overnighter at her sister-in-law's in Orangeville; she got up at 6, got dressed and waited, expectantly, for the sister-in-law and her husband to arrive to pick her up.  She waited almost 6 hours; they were late.  Of course, my husband's aunt has had cancer recently and she and her husband are both in their eighties; but there are no excuses...my mother-in-law expected them earlier and was not happy they were late.  The Aunt and Uncle are doing this as a favour to me.  Tomorrow is my birthday and my family is taking me to see "Macbeth" and do lunch; we ordered the tickets last spring.  It, honestly, never occurred to me or to my husband we would be worrying about his mother's presence still being in the house for another winter when we purchased the tickets.  It really didn't cross our minds....

Lately, the matriarch has been extremely draining; she has taken to shaking her mug for tea if it hasn't been poured.  I find it rude and annoying.  My habit as her personal mind-reader has also become burdensome because if I am not around, i.e. in the bathroom, the matriarch will not ask for anything but wait expectantly for some unknowing person to attempt to fulfill her desires.  I know blindness can be a handicap; I didn't think becoming mute went in partnership with it.  Forgive me.  The mother-in-law is not here and my home is my own and it is very hard to decompress.

Though, to be honest, I can't help but think she is driving my husband's Aunt and Uncle crazy in her obscene quest to buy more man-size tissues; I bought her 12 boxes but, apparently, that is not enough.  Sadly, she will remember Wal-Mart didn't have them but Shoppers Drug Mart did and will drive the relatives bonkers going to each and every Shoppers in Orangeville to find more tissues....  Maybe I should have more sympathy for the poor sales clerk who is going to have to help 3 seniors: all over 80, 1 deaf, 1 blind, and 1 wishing he wasn't there.

It Just Crossed My Mind

This evening the matriarch went to bed with frozen strawberries, 2 peaches and an apple; how the heck does the woman peal the fruit?  Every morning, the mother-in-law brings her bowl to me with its pile of peelings and apple cores.  The remnants are for the compost.  She can only eat the soft fruit, hence the strawberries, but prefers to have peaches or nectarines at bedtime.  Somehow, she does eat them despite the tooth situation and, somehow, she does peel them.  There is a small knife in her room for fruit and whatever; but, I cannot imagine how she does it in the dark and practically blind.  Further, I have discovered the matriarch eats most of her fruit with salt; not the strawberries or raspberries, she piles sugar on them, but everything else.  She told me today she dreamt of her honeymoon trip when she was pregnant on my husband; she ate so many apples with salt, she gained 40 pounds.  She was six weeks pregnant at the start of the trip and less than 100 pounds and came back from the States weighing more than 140 pounds.  She was 40 years of age!  She really does have an indestructible constitution!

Why I am Going to Hell....

This morning, I got up did 2 loads of laundry and snuck (I like that word!)out to do the grocery shopping; I bought s Pepsi and chocolate bar at 9 in the morning and had a teenager's breakfast.  Sometimes, it is wonderful to be alone.  However, like the cat, I went back home...

Where the children, knowing there was basketball and swimming, were still in their pyjamas, and the laundry was still to be put away (it was folded, it was their's and it was still on the table) and breakfast was still to be had.  My husband was still in bed and my mother-in-law had obviously been up and had gone back to bed, chips replacing her Sugar Crisp preference for morning break fast.  So, as quietly as I could, I whispered to the children to get their stuff together, get dressed and eat.  Done.  My aim was to leave again, kids in tow, husband still asleep and mother-in-law still unawares in her room.  It was a good plan.

Child number 2 and child number 3 had a toothpaste fight in the bathroom...with yells and screams and my blue wall marked with Colgate.  I nearly killed them.  The mother-in-law woke-up just as the time to leave approached.  Child number 1 put on her tea and I made her cereal and toast and pills and had to wake my husband who had obviously been enjoying his slumber.  It is difficult enough with the matriarch here but the reality is there are the children's concerns and I will not let them down if they choose to do sports and dance and music.  I do try to arrange everything for around the same time and when my husband can cover granny care.  So I am not going to feel guilty for trying to sneak out a second time.  But I do...the children made it to basketball and swimming and I put the laundry away, swearing under my breath, and my husband took his mother for lunch and we all met again for 5 and I promptly fell asleep beside my youngest who slept, too.  Thus is our Saturday.

The Eye Continues

Now, the other eye is beginning to bother the matriarch.  I don't know if she is actually losing her vision or it is her current state of mind.  No matter the age, depression hurts and I know my mother-in-law is depressed.  My husband is home tomorrow afternoon and will take her for lunch; the children and I will get a break and go to the movies.  I feel like I am abandoning her but depression is contagious and I need my children to have a break and I need to know they can have the respite without guilt.  My husband will take his mother to Swiss Chalet and have a moment with her on his own.  I, at least, escape when I read at night; this would be very difficult if I couldn't read...that fact makes me able to sympathize.  My mother-in-law was a crocheter and knitter; her ability in these areas was incredible and her loss of sight has been tragic; she can no longer do anything. Books or plays on tape don't seem to interest her; although, I think I may have to try again with radio plays just to try to disperse this negative aura.

Long Days

The matriarch is still angry about the doctor and yesterday's visit.  She just has to work it out in her head and, then, everything will be okay. To be so lucky as to be 98 and have good health and be angry there is nothing to complain about...when she works it all out, it WILL be okay. Until that point, she will drive me crazy.

Today, I was asked to make the soup more "soupy."  It is tinned, at her request.  I added more water than usual; she refused to eat it.  The raisin bread didn't have enough raisins in it; she didn't eat it.  She did eat the popcorn made fresh this morning and all her fruit (2 bananas, pear, apple, last peach of the season) and her breakfast and dinner.  My husband thinks I have become paranoid about her diet: such observations are unnecessary.  He is probably right.  There is nothing to do but the mother-in-law drives me crazy because I feel she wants to do something and I don't know what it is.

Today's drive resulted in more complaints about her eye; if she wants to go out, she has to put up with the discomfort.  Tomorrow, I will suggest a Tylenol before the drive and see if it helps.  It is hard to have sympathy and not become exasperated; my husband is lucky to go to work...

The G.P.'s

Well, if I thought the Opthamologist office depressing, the G.P. office was more so.  The matriarch and I went for her check-up and up-date on the eye situation.  Both were duly noted, blood pressure checked, heart rate checked, weight noted and concerns about a sniffle dealt with--the Doctor smiled told the mother-in-law she was in good health and said good-bye.  She was devastated he did not want her to make another appointment.  It was as though she was left hanging.  Old age is not an illness; being very old and in good health is still not a cause to use the health system.  The matriarch has lost her one constant in her social life since she moved in and she is not happy.  The visits to the Doctor were like her social calls. 

We used to do emergency room calls before she moved in; she would call in an anxious voice, usually at two in the morning, saying she did not feel well and could I take her to the hospital?  There, she would astound the nurses with her age and flirt with the Doctor on-call.  But, times have changed and the emergency room staff do not have time to cater to an elderly woman; I do think they would if they could but...

The big concern for the medical establishment and my mother-in-law is quality of life.  The woman is healthy, eats like a horse and goes for walks.  What else can be expected of an almost blind 98 year old?  My husband and I do not believe in Old Age Homes; if my mother-in-law wanted to go to one, we would agree on the condition she could always return home if she wanted.  Sometimes the matriarch has speculated what it would be like: cards, dances, trips, meals not cooked by me.  In the retirement community or neighbourhood in which she used to live, seniors used to whisper about the state of some of the  Old Age Homes in the area; they were regarded with horror no matter the quality.  In some ways, it is degrading to have the state or somewhere private to have to maintain a senior in their last days.  When the matriarch bumps into one of her neighbours at the Swiss Chalet, they are always surprised to hear she is still living with us and still happy to some degree.  Then follows the tragedy of so-and-so who went into the home and their family forgot about them; homes do tend to alleviate a lot of family responsibility.  Anyhow, the matriarch has just gone to bed with a lemon cranberry muffin to put on her nightstand for an early morning snack. I will bring her some fresh water before I go to bed.

Moxies....

Well, it's a restaurant.  The food was good and my mother-in-law could see nothing of the restaurant.  She also couldn't hear the conversation among my children, my mother and myself.  Although, when we got home, she polished off a huge slice of cake, cup of tea, water, frozen berries and started in on the chips.

It was weird watching the matriarch interact with my mother...my mother tries to be helpful and doesn't realize she can tick people off.  The matriarch likes the conveniences of age: being the talk of the town, people's admiration for her health.  She does not like being reminded she needs assistance because she is 98 and blind and hard of hearing.  Even the old don't like to be reminded they are old.  As I have mentioned before, my mother-in-law has an ego and is not beyond planning a rendez-vous with a gentleman; this is her nature not her age or dementia.  My mother, I think, would find it hard to believe the matriarch would still be interested in men.  It makes for tension which my mother fails to pick up on; it is hard to understand but sympathy can be suffocating.  The matriarch doesn't want sympathy and there, really, is nothing left to offer her.

At the eye specialist's, we told the doctor the matriarch's eye bleeds when the wind blows on it, when she exerts herself too much, when she goes out for lunch.  He told her not to do those things; he repeated the adage, "There is nothing to be done."
This means, my mother-in-law can no longer go for drives with the windows open; she really shouldn't go for drives at all; and lunch should be considered an event.  What life is left if she cannot do these things?  Her world is becoming smaller the longer she is in it and any sympathy just annoys the heck out of her; it is a reminder.  So, she sits in her room; although, this evening she listened to the children practice piano but then left before they had finished.

Caving In

Sunday, we go to Moxies...the mother-in-law has been so miserable since the Doctor's I thought going out to the place I had gone with my girlfriends might cheer her up.  My gut tells me this will be an adventure of sorts; I can't even imagine what she will eat.  The children are delighted to know they are not going for chicken.  At least, it will be a Sunday lunch.  If the food doesn't go over well, the matriarch can always have a meal before going to bed.  Or chips. Or frozen strawberries or raspberries...I know she won't starve...

Tragedy at the Doctor's

Officially, I am now matching my mother-in-law bag for bag in the chipits/ sugar competition.  Stress brings out the need for chocolate--although they are the small bags of chipits as opposed to the 4 kilo sizes of sugar the matriarch favours.

The Doctor's did not go well.  First off, the man had no sympathy; he checked my mother-in-law's eye, saw no infection and made an appointment for 6 months.  No idle chitchat, no compassion for an almost hundred year old woman, just checked the eye and sent her on her way.  And, my mother-in-law was lost in the process.  I don't know what she thought he would do but she was expecting something.  Another appointment is not enough for her.  The matriarch has been articulating the truth doctors can do nothing for her but she has only realized the truth as immediate fact.  She is 98.  They cannot take the eye out for fear of killing her; the pain can be managed with Advil; there is nothing else.  I don't know what she was expecting but it was obviously something.  My poor husband has tried to get to her to think about something else; usually, she can figure something out and return to her normal, selfishly kind self in a few days.  But it is very hard to watch her struggle with the realization that when the Doctors told her she would go blind, they meant it.  I know she doesn't like living in a grey shadowy kind of world; she will hate the almost black one.

Then to make matters worse, today, the matriarch had an accident and didn't realize it.  When I told her I needed to change the sheets, she wanted to know why.  The matriarch has always been responsible for her own laundry--deciding when to give it to me and when she wants it back;  call it her form of autonomy.  I didn't tell her my reasons for laundry but I think my request mortified her.  It mortified me and I have cleaned up after accidents before;  she always been aware of the event and blamed it on illness.  But to not know is not a place I think she wants to go...I think I should start one upping the matriarch on those chipits.

The Lord and His Reasons

The matriarch asked me this morning why the Lord has left her so long on this earth.  She figures she has something to do...her life has some unknown reason or task she must fulfill.  Because I am not in a good mood, I asked her if maybe God was punishing me.  Never a good question.

The mother-in-law has outlived her whole family, most of her nieces and nephews on her side and is now beginning to outlive them on her husband's side.  Fate has a weird way of working; the matriarch has always measured people in terms of their worth to her.  So, now, she has no one to measure and she wonders why she is still alive.  I pointed out she still has her son and she has some worth to him; but, apparently, despite providing grandchildren, a home, chauffeur service, medical care and all round whatever you want whenever you want kind of care, my husband is of no worth to her.  How do you point out that maybe this is the lesson she is supposed to learn?  I don't think selfish people think in these kind of terms.

Anyhow, the cold is almost gone and my mother-in-law certainly sounds a lot better; today, we go to the eye specialist.  It is purely for on-going care and pain management, the sight is never going to come back in the eye.  But, I think, my mother-in-law hopes it will.  Ironically, last night, I went out with some very good friends for dinner and had a lovely time.  The restaurant was young for us, kind of swanky and the food was good.  In the midst of the eye discussion, the matriarch asked me if she would like the restaurant to which I had gone.  It was one of those questions with hidden implications: I think she would have liked to have come with me.  It was a night out celebrating birthdays in a way and absence from our worries; it was not a family event nor did the restaurant strike me as a family friendly place.  I think the mother-in-law would have been completely blind in the environment; also, I didn't want her to come.  Isn't that awful?  How do you tell a 98 year old with little time to live (unless, of course, she lives forever) that her presence wasn't wanted?  And, why do I feel guily for a night out?  The mother-in-law goes for lunch, twice a week.  Now, she wants dinner out--okay, maybe I am extrapolating too much.  But there is this fear that she is encroaching on more and more of my life,  maybe it is a punishment....

16 Steps

The only reason I am not completely obese is because I have to go up and down 16 steps at least 2 million times a day.  The butter tart rests on a napkin as I try to compose and censor my thoughts for today.  The matriarch has a cold; it is awful for her with runny nose and sore throat.  The closest Doctor's appointment I could get was for 1 week from today; she doesn't have a fever so it is not an emergency.  Still, she is uncomfortable.  My point here is I am empathetic.  I made soup for the matriarch and brought her juices without complaint.  All day.  She refused her dinner.

I, too, have a cold but can endure because I am supermom, the immortal daughter-in-law, who can travel endlessly up and down stairs and not mind request after request because I have no life except to serve.  Since 11 o'clock this evening (read that again: this evening), I have brought tea, water, peanut butter on toast, same peanut butter on toast only this time with jam, eye drops, and more water on individual trips.  It becomes a curiousity as to why separate trips are needed and requests can't be made all together.  Personally, if I wanted peanut butter and jam on toast, I would have asked for it; I wouldn't have asked for peanut butter and when it was brought up, add jam to the request and then have to wait.

My heart should go out to the mother-in-law but sometimes I feel as if she is playing me.  My husband tells me to pity an old woman but, you know, she is still a woman and a character with her own personality.  I cannot believe she didn't make these requests on purpose.  Is it a power thing?  Lately, I believe she is getting frustrated and I don't know what to do.  Right now, the matriarch has a cold; it is cold outside and wet.  Therefore, I don't think she should go out for a drive.  It's not like I am going out; I did note I have a cold, too.  Life pretty much is on the downside for all of us here right now; so why is she picking on me?

Thanksgiving and Illness

My mother-in-law wanted to go to Walmart;  the only condition I put on her coming here, and this was with her not my husband, was I don't have to take her to Walmart.  It is an exercise in futility and I hate the store; I don't shop there.  Whatever she wants is never there, ever.  On Thanksgiving Sunday, she got off after my husband from the time she got up telling him she needed to go to Walmart.  She wanted extra large man-sized tissues; they are the only ones she uses.  Now, we do a big deal for Thanksgiving; my parents come over, the children bake a lot, and my husband does the turkey.  Everything was interrupted as her quest for hankies had to be fulfilled.  Of course, they weren't there; last time, I picked them up at a drug store and she knew this.  Anyhow, my poor husband, who is not the most patient at the best of times, had to get after their service help, on a holiday, to look for these tissues.  And, the tissues weren't there.  Then, he had to explain to the matriarch about the tissues not being there.  At which point, she replied, "Well, they should be..."

Apparently, the service help was accommodating, but my mother-in-law went into a tirade in the store about how these tissues should be there.  So, my husband in a very nice way gently guided his mother out of the store, into the rainy, cold day outside and she promptly caught a chill.  Now, we needed the large sized tissues.  But, they were not to be found on a holiday Sunday.  Change of scene to our home and my mother-in-law retreating to her room upstairs to eat potato chips and mumble to herself about the weather.  Thanksgiving went off well; but, the matriarch, having eaten a whole bag of potato chips, didn't eat her dinner and told me the turkey wasn't cooked well enough for her to chew.  My husband, decent guy that he is, spoke up and said he cooked the turkey and it was fine.  I think he was getting annoyed at his cantankerous mother.  She did eat her dessert, a slice of each pie, apple and pumpkin, and the homemade ice cream.  The matriarch was in bed by nine, with a chill and slight fever.  And, no appetite.

As all this went on, my health and frustration level peaked; my children seemed to have caught some sort of cold; so our Thanksgiving ended with me reading to three sick kids, tissues (actually toilet paper) in my lap and the faint echos of my mother-in-law's snores.  And, I don't know what to do...the matriarch has a cold not pneumonia; she does have a doctor's appointment next week and I thinking eating potato chips all the time is not doing her health any good.  I gave her honey for the sore throat and Nyquil for the cough and am going back to bed myself.  The children survived with no fevers, chills or sniffles and are off to do their usual thing.  It's so trying sometimes.  The matriarch is a grown-up; but, those man-sized tissues seemed to mean so much to her...

Things I Never Thought Of

So, does a gay senior have a sex life?  The matriarch's former neighbour phoned today to talk about her new friend who could have been her boyfriend except he's gay.  Now, I really don't want to know the answer to my question but I do think a man or woman who is looking for companionship can be a boy friend/ girlfriend whether or not sex is involved.  I think.  The matriarch was giving her friend all kinds of advice and it was like listening to a couple of teenagers.  The neighbour is out to find a boyfriend; the mother-in-law told her she has to put herself out there, be social, ask if the wife is at home knitting...I couldn't believe it but then, of course, I could.  Everyone wants companionship; my mother-in-law would leave here and move in with a man who had a car in a heartbeat.  It would be a pragmatic decision, in a way; she'd rather end her days with a companion than her family.  Although, I begin to suspect she doesn't think she is going to die.  At the rate she lives, she could be right.  And, she could be back again when I am 80.   Anyhow, the mother-in-law gave her former neighbour all kinds of advice and most of it would have been applicable when I was in high school.  Maybe I should have gotten my single friends to listen.

The Problem with Age

This is not a very nice post.  Granted, we are supposed to take care of the aged and granted they have earned the right to say what they feel and to be treated with respect, but at what point does care and concern become servitude?  My mother-in-law is getting in the habit of waiting for her breakfast at the table; silently, she expects me to accommodate her and then rushes upstairs to be in her room.  Therein, she eats potato chips, Werther's caramels and fruit all morning.  She does it sneakily, hiding candies under her robe when the children or I come into her room.  It's not like we can't see what she is doing.  But what makes the selfishness worse is the lunchtime adventures; today, we hit Montana's, her new favourite bistro.  I have stopped ordering meals and even the children are tired of the weekly outing, but the matriarch wanted to be thanked as if she was doing us a favour by treating this time.  I want to say she is being generous, because she is, and I want to feel she is being kind, because she is, but in my heart, I know we go out because the matriarch wants the trip.

Today, to make matters worse, she told me she would rather have the doggy-bag than my cooking.  I didn't say anything.  I am learning to bite my tongue without hurting myself.  Cooking is a sensitive issue here because I am not a good cook; in my kitchen, there are easily 50 cookbooks and I do try to improve.  But, honestly, I don't like cooking.  My husband is a much better cook, but one of us has to work; so the family gets along on my cooking and the children's fantastic baking (he taught them).  And, the matriarch knows this.  So, when she is being vindictive for whatever reason, she aims for my sore spot.  I used to have this image of a kind and tender granny but my mother-in-law is not living up to it and it is my problem; she has no problems with her self.   After 98 years, one would think not.  But I wonder when that moment happens when the old become cared for instead of being the carers; and if they ever appreciate the assistance.  Some do, I guess, and some don't.  It just it isn't fair if you happen to live with the latter.

Yes, I know this is my vindictiveness being public about all this; but, could you tell your partner this sort of stuff about his/ her parent?  And, friends, kind as they are, get sick of it.  I get sick of it and it's not all bad.  She can be very good to the children.  She can be very good to my husband and to me.  But, then she says things like, "They put on a very good Thanksgiving Dinner at the church--why can't we go there?"

p.s. I am not a good cook does not mean I am a bad cook, more mediocre and my husband does the turkey!

Jumping the Gun

God, I feel surrounded by death right now.  The matriarch's brother-in-law died last week; I found out unexpectedly, yesterday.  It is kind of odd because we thought he was already dead.  Not so, but is now.  So, maybe the sister-in-law is not doomed to die...what an odd way of thinking.  There is no charity of spirit today.  the matriarch got up, sat at the table to wait for her breakfast, then went upstairs to eat potato chips.  She talked about her sister-in-law and how she would have no one to visit anymore.  Honestly, she made it sound as if she was confined here, imprisoned in a jail.  And, she had absolutely no sympathy for her sister-in-law who leaves no one behind, her child is already dead and her husband--well, I don't quite that situation.  But the matriarch talked as if she was being deprived rather than her sister-in-law's reality.  I think this kind of selfishness is character not age.

Third Death, almost

Well, we've heard about the third death--sort of.  The matriarch's sister-in-law has cysts on her breast and she has to see a surgeon; it wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't 80 and hadn't just had a lumpectomy seven months ago.  She saw her oncologist last month and nothing was there and, now, both breasts are lumpy.  I feel so sorry for her.  And, I feel so sorry for the matriarch; this is the last person of her husband's generation to still be alive.  The worry could kill my mother-in-law but I don't think so...The sister-in-law is already suffering from fatigue;  her last radiation treatment was four months ago and she has been great; the matriarch went to visit her.  But this new tiredness is being attributed to those treatments and I don't believe they are connected.  My mother-in-law is so sad this evening.

Peanut Butter and Jelly, 3 Days in a Row

Maybe it is the sugar keeping the matriarch alive...For the third night in a row, she has chosen to eat open faced PB & J sandwiches.  The one night, we ate them after the children's activities, seems to have really set my mother-in-law off and she is eating them for either lunch or dinner every day.  The jelly or jam doesn't seem to be a big deal, today was homemade gooseberry jelly, yesterday it was my raspberry jam.  But the bread must be really covered, really, really covered with peanut butter.  I don't know.  I feel like a reporter investigating the culinary habits of seniors.  Can sugar boosts keep a person alive?  It has been mentioned to me that seniors need strong flavours to really taste something; but, I thought that applied only to smokers or former smokers.  She does use a lot of salt; the sugar is getting worse as we are now halfway through our fourth 4 kilo bag since July; I wonder about her taste buds.

Ironically, enough, the matriarch has got it into her head that my husband wants 50 (!!!) jars of her homemade chili sauce.  I wouldn't mind making it but we still have 20 or so jars of last year's chili sauce left.  My kids are more salsa people and grandma's chili sauce isn't spicy enough.  And, my husband doesn't eat it.  He says he would if it was on the table but he doesn't ask for it if it's not there.  The days it is there, his mother eats it on everything, which is okay, but no one else touches it.  Particularly, the big guy.  I am being cruel.  Just the work falls to me and I don't want to do it; I don't want to move 50 jars of chili sauce around the house looking for places to store it; I don't want to waste the food; and I don't want to spend my fiftieth birthday looking at 10 year old cans of chili sauce I won't dump because it is the last thing my mother-in-law made.  Isn't this just silly?

Who Does the Dishes?

My mother-in-law still thinks it's a privilege for the children to wash dishes with in-door plumbing.  Right now, there are tears happening as the children fight it out to see who washes the dishes.  We're Luddites; we don't have a dishwasher.  And, it can become a loud event as the debate ensues over whose turn it is.  The matriarch went upstairs disgusted; she even used the term to the children.  You know you would think she would understand they are just children.  But her remarks silenced the arguments.  They were unfair.  I let my husband deal with her because I was afraid I would say something inappropriate.  It's not like she ever offers to help and I understand it because she is 98; but why she wouldn't offer the same understanding to my children? 

As the arguing interrupts into louder terms of unfairness, I think of my mother-in-law and her Victorian Attitude: children should be seen and not heard.  I think the matriarch misses a lot because she doesn't let the children talk.  They have such interesting things to say.  Even as they argue, my children are laughing with and at each other; my husband knows he has no control and finds it kind of funny, too.  If it was all anger every weekend, it wouldn't resolve itself; and, it does.  And, it will happen again next Saturday, despite the calendar and the schedule...they are kids.  My poor mother-in-law, parenthood came late to her and I think grandparenthood has also missed its chance.

Film Premieres, Comics and Chili

We took my mother-in-law to a film premiere this evening; all of my children participated in an environmental film camp and a big premiere with a red carpet was arranged for all participants.  It was fantastic and the matriarch enjoyed every minute...I can't imagine there are too many 98 year olds running around theatres these days.  She could hear, if not see, most of the three minute films and didn't mind staying for the reception.  In some ways, she has become something of a show and tell person; I introduced her to Rob Spencer, the bionic Canadian who put a camera in his eye, and comic, Albert Nerenberg, laughologist and maker of the film, Laughology.  We got a picture of the three of them and Mr. Nerenberg was incredibly nice especially when he listened to her talk about family born over 100 hundred years ago.  On the way home, the matriarch talked about him and how he had pushed a boy off the stage--he hadn't it was part of an act, but she did connect with the right person.  It was quite something.  Mind, the hunger situation doesn't seem to change.  On the way home, at 11 o'clock at night, we had to stop and pick up food at Tim Hortons; who else but my mother-in-law would eat chili before going to bed?

Decisions

Does my mother-in-law get a 'flu shot?  Previously, she has always got one then had minor pneumonia and then was well all winter.  Chances are it's a good idea...however, last year's bout of pneumonia took a little more out of her.  And, sometimes I think that little bit extra is what she needs to survive.  But, if she doesn't get the 'flu shot and gets sick, the pneumonia could kill her.  The children encounter lots of people; there are germs coming in and out of the house; the matriarch should get the 'flu shot.  I keep windows open all year and there is lots of fresh air in the house; the children are very good handwashers; the matriarch should not get the 'flu shot.  We are not even going to worry about the H1N1 virus....

The doctor's appointment is in 2 weeks, I shouldn't even be worrying about this.  But I do.  I find with the mother-in-law here I worry all the time and I worry twice as much about my children.  I constantly check to make sure I have everyone in the van...The whole sugar thing is very discombobulating; I shouldn't even consider it as a worry and, yet, I do.  I think I'll go to bed and try not to think.

The Sugar Effect

Yesterday, my mother-in-law and I went shopping and she bought candy for herself and the children.  I have said a lot of things but she is generous to the children.  The matriarch bought herself 3 candy bars; not a problem but, as of this morning, she has eaten them all.  I begin to think she really is preserving herself in sugar.  Admittedly this is an unending topic, so to speak, but, really, 3 candy bars in less than 12 hours?!  If she wasn't 98, it may not be a big deal, but she is!  I don't even know where the weight goes, never mind the sugar.  If I ate that much candy and, Hershey chipits are my friends in times of need, I would have more concerns than just an exploding waistline!   The matriarch really amazes me...I hope my children get her genes!

A Little Angry

My mother-in-law couldn't go for a drive today; it was raining.  It is weird to make the choice for her but if she were to catch a cold on a wet day, it would bother me terribly.  I have told her no drives in the rain. Period.  So, the matriarch spent most of the day up in her room, probably in a huff.  But this evening, she came down for peanut butter and jam sandwiches at nine at night.  My children eat a lot; they do a lot of activities and tonight was gymnastics.  So, once home, into the fridge they went and Grandma came down to see what they were making and everyone sat at the table drinking tea, eating open-faced peanut butter and jam sandwiches and listening to my youngest tell jokes and make fun of siblings.  If the matriarch spent most of the day angry, she chose to get over it, spend the evening with us and go to bed happy.